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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 5:29pm |
Well I hope this is the right board. I have been on couple others for other advice about other situation. So here it goes.
I have been married for over six years. Last October, I came home and got in an argumnet with my husband, after he had been off work all day and did absolutely nothing around the house. After we argued, I left for about an hour to cool off. When I got home, he told me that he was moving in with his younger brother for awhile. Well awhile has turned into five months.
Everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did, before he moved out. It seemed like we were having such a bad run of luck. He was deployed overseas, after he got back I found out that he had had an affair while he was gone. I asked him at that point to do some counseling but he said he didnt need to but if I felt like I did I could go by myself. I eventually moved past the affair--just because he meant so much to me and also out of my vows and committment that I gave him.
Six months later, it seemed as if things were getting back to normal and I found out that I was pregnant. I lost that baby only eight weeks. It was horrible because we had wanted to have more children (we have a 3 year old daughter) and thought this was the perfect time. We made it through that, I threw myself into my work and daughter to cope and he was very loving and caring towards my feelings and thoughts. Then I was found out that I was pregnant again, six months later. I also lost that baby at eight weeks. I was devasted. I took four weeks off, because I was having such a tough time dealing with the lost of two babies and I was put on medication for depression.
Things started to take a turn for the worst then. My husband became more distant and started acting rude just to make me upset at him. He began acting like a totally different person just as I was beginning to feel better. It was so strange. Although he did give me a card for anniversary--which was really nice and he had wrote some nice loving things in it--then three weeks later he was gone. I dont know where he went from caring and loving me to nothing.
He moved in with his brother, I asked him to start marriage counseling because I wanted to try and work through some of our issues and save this marriage. He agreed and we went to one session together and then we went to one session seperately by ourselves and after his session he told me that he was done and that we needed to go our own seperate ways. I was crushed. I have tried talking to him but he will not open up to me or he is unwilling to make time to talk.
Then about two weeks ago I found out that he is seeing someone. I would have never known if my daughter hadnt told me. The two days that he has our daughter on, he was taking her with him to see this other woman. When I found out and confronted him about it--he finally admitted it. I told him that I did not want him taking our daughter along on his visits to see this woman--because it would confuse her and upset her. I told him that he continued that I would not let our daughter stay over anymore and that he would have to visit her at our house and he agreed. But, again I found out that he had this woman around our child again this past Tuesday. I was steamed. I confronted him about it and he said that it wasnt that long that she was around her.
To make matters worst, I found out that he had went and got a lawyer from the JAG office at his work ad he told me he was filing for divorce. When we had talke somewhat before I told him that I wanted to file for a seperation before a divorce--that way if we decided to work thing out--it wouldnt be so final. So when all of these things came out of the woodwork, I decided to take most of my money put of my checking and open a new account on my name. I also changed the locks on the doors because when he dropped off our daughter the other night he was looking around at things that he might take with him. When he found out both of these things he was livid and wanted to know why I had done these things and I told him to protect myself and my daughter.
I would give anything to make this marriage work and for him to go back to counseling with me and work on it. He doesnt seem to be interested in doing that. My friends tell me if I think its really worthing saving I should hang on--if not just get over it. At this point I feeling pretty helpless and low. I feel like I am sinking back into depression. I dont know how my life is going to be without him--so far it has been awful and I hate it. I have a appointmwnt with my doctor next week--so hopefully I can get on some meds to feel better and I have set up some sessions with a therapist.
Any advice on what I should now would be appreciated, or if anyone is in a similar situation please let me know what your doing. Thanks
I have been married for over six years. Last October, I came home and got in an argumnet with my husband, after he had been off work all day and did absolutely nothing around the house. After we argued, I left for about an hour to cool off. When I got home, he told me that he was moving in with his younger brother for awhile. Well awhile has turned into five months.
Everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did, before he moved out. It seemed like we were having such a bad run of luck. He was deployed overseas, after he got back I found out that he had had an affair while he was gone. I asked him at that point to do some counseling but he said he didnt need to but if I felt like I did I could go by myself. I eventually moved past the affair--just because he meant so much to me and also out of my vows and committment that I gave him.
Six months later, it seemed as if things were getting back to normal and I found out that I was pregnant. I lost that baby only eight weeks. It was horrible because we had wanted to have more children (we have a 3 year old daughter) and thought this was the perfect time. We made it through that, I threw myself into my work and daughter to cope and he was very loving and caring towards my feelings and thoughts. Then I was found out that I was pregnant again, six months later. I also lost that baby at eight weeks. I was devasted. I took four weeks off, because I was having such a tough time dealing with the lost of two babies and I was put on medication for depression.
Things started to take a turn for the worst then. My husband became more distant and started acting rude just to make me upset at him. He began acting like a totally different person just as I was beginning to feel better. It was so strange. Although he did give me a card for anniversary--which was really nice and he had wrote some nice loving things in it--then three weeks later he was gone. I dont know where he went from caring and loving me to nothing.
He moved in with his brother, I asked him to start marriage counseling because I wanted to try and work through some of our issues and save this marriage. He agreed and we went to one session together and then we went to one session seperately by ourselves and after his session he told me that he was done and that we needed to go our own seperate ways. I was crushed. I have tried talking to him but he will not open up to me or he is unwilling to make time to talk.
Then about two weeks ago I found out that he is seeing someone. I would have never known if my daughter hadnt told me. The two days that he has our daughter on, he was taking her with him to see this other woman. When I found out and confronted him about it--he finally admitted it. I told him that I did not want him taking our daughter along on his visits to see this woman--because it would confuse her and upset her. I told him that he continued that I would not let our daughter stay over anymore and that he would have to visit her at our house and he agreed. But, again I found out that he had this woman around our child again this past Tuesday. I was steamed. I confronted him about it and he said that it wasnt that long that she was around her.
To make matters worst, I found out that he had went and got a lawyer from the JAG office at his work ad he told me he was filing for divorce. When we had talke somewhat before I told him that I wanted to file for a seperation before a divorce--that way if we decided to work thing out--it wouldnt be so final. So when all of these things came out of the woodwork, I decided to take most of my money put of my checking and open a new account on my name. I also changed the locks on the doors because when he dropped off our daughter the other night he was looking around at things that he might take with him. When he found out both of these things he was livid and wanted to know why I had done these things and I told him to protect myself and my daughter.
I would give anything to make this marriage work and for him to go back to counseling with me and work on it. He doesnt seem to be interested in doing that. My friends tell me if I think its really worthing saving I should hang on--if not just get over it. At this point I feeling pretty helpless and low. I feel like I am sinking back into depression. I dont know how my life is going to be without him--so far it has been awful and I hate it. I have a appointmwnt with my doctor next week--so hopefully I can get on some meds to feel better and I have set up some sessions with a therapist.
Any advice on what I should now would be appreciated, or if anyone is in a similar situation please let me know what your doing. Thanks

Wow. First of all, big hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much at one time. I am glad you are seeing your doctor, but please consider alternatives to prescription drugs to raise your mood. I understand you need to function for your daughters sake, but don't deny yourself the emotions you are experiencing right now. Although they aren't fun, they are a part of the process.
Do you really feel that you could forgive him after all of this running around and lying? He hasn't made a commitment to stop or to seek help or even counseling to get both of you in a better place. Is this the kind of guy you truly can't live without? Think about what is best for you and your daughter. I am very proud of you for getting your finances in a safe place and changing the locks. Please understand that you can't stop him from filing and it is likely not something you want to drag out, both for yours and your daughter's sake.
Just take things one day at a time and distance yourself from him as much as possible. Let things cool down a bit and give yourself a chance to clear your head. Do you attend church? Do you have a clergy member you can speak with? They offer great advice and resources and may be worth checking out.
Best of luck dear.
>>>I told him that I did not want him taking our daughter along on his visits to see this woman--because it would confuse her and upset her. I told him that he continued that I would not let our daughter stay over anymore and that he would have to visit her at our house and he agreed. But, again I found out that he had this woman around our child again this past Tuesday. I was steamed. I confronted him about it and he said that it wasnt that long that she was around her.<<<
This is hard. I understand how you feel, but you don't have the right to say who he spends time with, even when dd is with him, and he doesn't have the right to put the same limitations on your relationships. It's not so much that being around another person will confuse your dd, it's that it hurts and confuses you. It may be hard, but this is something you will have to find a way to accept. I have no idea why he agreed to your demands, and while he should have told you before he did this, there isn't anything you can do about it.
>>>So when all of these things came out of the woodwork, I decided to take most of my money put of my checking and open a new account on my name. I also changed the locks on the doors because when he dropped off our daughter the other night he was looking around at things that he might take with him. When he found out both of these things he was livid and wanted to know why I had done these things and I told him to protect myself and my daughter.<<<
You did the right thing. He shouldn't be surprised, he's talking about divorce so of course you are going to separate the checking account and you aren't going to want him to have a key to your house. He's moved out, he shouldn't need a key. I am not so sure you did them to protect your dd (that implies your dd needs to be protected from him), I think you did it because he's making it clear the marriage is over, and if it's over, there are things that will have to change. I would also recommend that if you have any joint credit cards you call up and close them to new purchases, and request a new card in your name only. Let him know you are doing this (the day you do it is fine) because it's polite and it doesn't do anyone any good to learn the credit card was canceled when you are standing at the register at a store.
>>>I would give anything to make this marriage work and for him to go back to counseling with me and work on it. He doesnt seem to be interested in doing that.<<<
I agree, he isn't interested. It takes two to save a marriage, but only one to ruin it.
>>>I have a appointmwnt with my doctor next week--so hopefully I can get on some meds to feel better and I have set up some sessions with a therapist.<<<
Therapy is the best possibly thing you can give yourself right now. I can see that you don't want to accept this is the end of the marriage, but your husband is giving you no signs that it can be saved, and you can't do it on your own. You will go through a grieving process before you can move on. Going through a divorce when you don't want it is one of the toughest things to go through, and having some help to get through it will make a big difference.