help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
help me understand
3
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:22am

its been a while since my life went all crazy on me.....i've spent days staring at walls, analysing my feelings, understanding why what happened did...etc etc....today i am relatively at peace with myself....about to tie loose ends....ready to begin life again....stronger, calmer, but yes unbelievably angry. not angry cos of 'why me?' but more cos of how i realise i have betrayed myself much more than anybody else has. how my own feelings, my own insecurities, my own vulnerabilities let me down, how even today when so much has happened, and so much has gone wrong, i can at one level still forgive...

i am living the life of a single person all over again. no, i am not exceptionally bitter or regretful....i am plain scared. i am scared of where to go from here. when the hurt passes you by, when the wounds heal on the surface and when the tears dry up, you're left with a void. just that. a plain, empty place. and that is more painful than any insult, any betrayal, any rejection. i was in love for four years. for four years, through even the most terrible times in my relationship, my heart has held him in me, unspoilt and just the way he was when i first met him. and now i've had to throw him out of my heart, leaving this big, empty space inside which i have no clue wat to do with.

no, i don't feel myself to be terribly unlucky or unfortunate....to the contrary, i think i've managed pretty well, and having a super great family has helped tremendously. i'm restarting my abandoned career, i have sm very good opporutnities lined up....no lack of blessings to count. but i am still scared. and this fear haunts me day and night. it becomes a liveable, breathable monster when i look around and see happy people in uncomplicated relationships, leading lives full of love. it makes me wonder....what if this happens again? what if i trust someone again, love someone again......and what if he shatters my life and moves on as well?

i am appalled at how cynical i've become, how disillusioned with life i sound. and how even my own reassurances sound hollow to me. and i seem to have lost all my confidence in myself. i feel that no one will love me again the way i want them to. and somewhere, i've started believing that now i'm on my own for life....and this makes me envy every person around me who's happily married and has kids.....it makes me panic, thinking that i'll always be just envying others.

i don;t want to become a bitter, hard woman....but i have trouble believing in life again. i knw i probably sound hopelessly confused, but thats probably what i am. pls help me understand what i'm going through and help me fight this feeling before it becomes a part of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 9:08am
I can't give you step by step of you will do this, but you need to fill up the emptyness with love for yourself. Starting your life again, restarting your career, living for yourself is all part of loving yourself. It also includes doing things like reading, exercising, volunteering, etc. It takes time. Once you love yourself there you won't feel that emptyness inside you, you won't fear being alone, and you be more attractive to healthy adults ready for a mature, healthy, fulfilling relationship with you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:58pm

It sounds as though you are on the right track. Please be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. That is really the only advice I have for you.


Getting back into the swing of life and having time to do the things you enjoy, that are important to you, and that allow you to value yourself will fill that void. Just give it time. Enroll in a class for fun. Something wild that you have always wanted to try. It will give you something fun and new to do, and allow you interaction with others.


I also wanted to say that your post was like reading poetry. I don't think there is a divorcee out there that couldn't relate word for word with what you said. Thank you for stating it so eloquently.


Please don't forget that we are here for you.


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 2:15pm

I think that you're on the right track all the way... the cynicism... the analyzation.... the acknowledging.... ALL of those are things that zap you into action to do something.... to get on the road paving a new, better, happier life.


Give yourself credit for the distance that you've traveled thus far.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~