Losing It - Need Support
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| Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:49pm |
I am new here. I have been lingering for a couple of weeks, but I really need to vent. I am having a really hard day.
Right around New Years Eve which happens to be my STBX's B-Day we had a huge fight and I told him I wanted a divorce. I had told him that several months ago but we decided to work things out because he agreed to go to counseling on his own. He went twice and he thought that was effort. Anyways I realized that he was not going to change mostly because he didn't think he had done anything. Since I had told him I was unhappy, he has been accusing me of a mid life crisis, mental illness, or something else that I am going through. I have been in biweekly counseling since October and can tell you that none of these things are true. Through my counseling I realized that I have been emotionally and verbally abused for the whole 11 years of our marriage. I stayed out of fear of being alone and being a single mother.
Since then we are still living together while we sell the house. I moved into the guest room, because how dare I think that he should. For some reason he thinks it is his house more then mine. Any way on a weekly basis, when things don't go his way, he starts in on the verbal abuse of telling me I am dumping on the marriage, throwing everything away, and that I am so mentally ill I should be in an institution.
Most of the time I just ignore him, but last night I lost it. I couldn't take it any more. I started yelling at him and telling him to stop verbally abusing me. Then I told him that the reason we are getting a divorce is because he is an a**hole. I called him that several times. He said well what about the way that your DS disrespects me and talks back to me. I told him that it was because he is an a**hole. Then he said that we never kissed or made out was because I was sexually disfuctional. I told him no it was because he is an a**hole and I couldn't stand to be around him.
I hate who I have become. It is so difficult to live with him. Everyday he does something that is normal to him and all I can think is why did I put up with it for so long.
How did you all get through it? Until now I thought I was handling things ok, but I think I was in denial. I can't stand to be around him, and I am stuck there until we sell the house.
This brings up another issue. I was looking at my finances and realized I could probably buy the house. Has anyone done that? Was it hard emotionally to stay in the house you lived together in.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.

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Whether to stay in the house is a personal decision. I moved (we had no choice financially, we had to sell our house) and for me it was a good way to have a fresh new beginning.
There is no way to make your situation easy. Either buy the house or pray it sells fast. Is it on the market?
My counselor always encourages me to call him if things aren't going well, and at least once he fit me in at the last minute because I was having a hard time with something. You might want to step up and go a little more often until you get through this. You yelled at him because he pushed you too far, but that is what he wanted. He knows he's losing you and he's not in control anymore, and he wanted to push you so he could see you are in pain. Calling him names is not going to make him realize what he's done or that he's wrong. He might never get it. Your focus needs to be how to survive this step in the process and being stuck in the house with him. Your counselor can help with that, and venting here helps so keep doing that.
I know you are right. He is no longer in control, and needs to push my buttons. I have had this conversation with my dad several times.
For the most part I have been trying to take care of myself and spend a half hour to an hour of quite time everyday, either reading, or journalling. Although I don't journal as much as I want to because he already read it once. I kind of got lax about that, mostly because I have so much to do now that the house is on the market. But now I need to go back to it. Getting sick last week didn't help, and I am still recovering.
Thanks for listening and I will check in often.
When I filed for divorce, we immediately put the house on the market. It was our plan to continue living together until it sold, but things didn't work out that way. It sounds like your finances are in good order (kudos to you!) so have you considered renting an apartment until things are finalized? If this isn't an option, is it feasable to stay with a relative to continue saving money? It wouldn't have been financially or emotional feasable for either of us to stay in the house. I think it is an important part of putting that chapter of your life behind you. Also, if he has an entitlement mentality, it is likely he will still prance around "your" place claiming ownership, and you don't need that either.
Best of luck dear. Let us know what you decide.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!
It's a fact of life that when you're living with an abuser you will break down at times. From the sound of it you just gave him a bit of sass compared to what he's dealt you. However, as someone said, he's not going to hear when you tell him he's been in the wrong. He will, however, use every word you say against you, so try to hold it down. You need to tell someone who cares what an, um, orifice he is. Us, therapist, friends who understand. It's tough when that realization kicks in. Verbal and emotional abuse are real.
As for the house, several people on this board have bought out their x's or been bought out. It's something to talk with your legal folks about. A word of caution: an abuser will try to cheat you, so have a market analysis by a realtor before you talk numbers.
Best of luck and hang on.
HI. If you can buy the house ... MY advice, since you asked, is to file for divorce & buy HIM out of his half of the house. If you get physical custody of the kids, they wont (usually) make YOU leave. Document everything you can of the verbal & emotional abuse, ESPECIALLY any threats to you, or anything done or said in front of your kids.
I have just, finally, after 8 yrs of verbal & emotional, & close to physical abuse, & MANY physical threats, served my H w/ a restraining order, he was removed from the house & i just filed for divorce. I CANNOT TELL YOU how freeing it is. & it took me like 3 days to see the changes ... like, i could put the wooden spoons (GOD FORBID!) in the dishwasher w/o being called a moron ... its almost the little everyday things that mean as much as the horrible big things.
My biggesst motivation was that i was treated SO poorly by him, & now that he is out, SO many people are tleling me that they didnt know how i put up with it like i did, - but i did NOT want my child (a 5 yr old dd) to grow up thinking THIS was how you were supossed to be treated by a man. NO WAY.
Good luck & stay strong. There are some great Domestic Violence support boards on iV as well, & verbal & emotional abuse *IS* Domestiv Violence. R~
Thanks everyone for all your support. We have talked since and I made it very clear that he needs to not tell me that I am abonding him, I have a mental illness, or I am going through a mid life crisis. I owned up on the fact that I snapped. But only because I had been pushed and pushed. So hopefully he will stop this.
As for the house we have a manufactured home, and he already looked into buying me out. Apparently the bank will only lend up to 85% of the value of the home for a manufactured home. That is not enough money for him to buy me out of my half of the equity and pay off all our debt. Becuase of his spending habits I asked that we pay off all of our debt with the equity of the house. Then I don't have to worry about him ruining my credit and all ties to him can be torn. We put the house on the market two weeks ago, and have two offers. So hopefully we can sell soon.
The filing for the divorce has already happened. Last month we were discussing mediation. One weekend we got into a fight. The next Wednesday he had me served with divorce papers at work. Nice huh! Any way since then I try to be very carful not to tell him to much. My dad calls me at work so he won't overhear our conversation. And anytime I talk to anyone about anything I make sure he is not here.
We do not have any children together. I have a ds from a previous relationship. He is 13. My STBX has raised him since he was a year old. But now he has said that he does not want to be part of Avery's life. So I am sure that is hard for Avery. They really haven't gotten along for several years. And my ds cannot understand why I endured all the abuse for so long. Once we get into our own place I plan on spending a lot of time with him to start the healing. I think it will take both of us a while.
Well anyway thanks again. And I will stay connected to this board. You are all great people.
Amber
Amber -
how fortunate that you are seeing what you were married to. I had a 27 year marriage of hell but like most abusers he had me convinced that everything was my fault.
My salvation was getting away from him. If you can't afford financially to move like someone else said see if you can stay with someone. Abusers can be so charming and say all the right things to lull you into compliance. Then you pay for them having to be nice to you. You do not every need to be in the same room as him without a lawyer present.
My ex was having an affair and who wouldn't cheat on a nobody like me. He had things all planned where he would get the elevator and I would get the shaft and I turned the tables on him. He is now stuck with a tremendous amount of debt. I traded alimony for getting me off the debt and he jumped at that. I don't think he realized how bad of shape he is in.
I moved out of a beautiful home filled with beautiful "things" and realized that I was trying to find happiness in the wrong places. He never loved me, he loved controlling me. He now has the house which is second mortgaged to the hilt. I signed a quit claim.
I know that your ds is confused now but if you can get him counseling he will see that both of you are better off without the stbx.
I pray your place sells soon. Try to find somewhere else to be in the meantime. Be sure when you move out you take enough to get by on on your own. Someone gave me that good piece of advice since when I left two years ago all I wanted to take was my purse and some clothes.
We are here if you need us.
Mary
Hey! *I* have an Averey too (mine is a 5 yr old dd). I love the name, boy or girl! But i threw in that xtra "E", probably will drive her crazy the rest of her life though!, b/c i thought it looked more girly.
Anyway, i am glad you are being careful, you can NEVER be too careful. Best of luck to you! R~
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