Do you feel like everything was a lie?
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Do you feel like everything was a lie?
| Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:22pm |
Hi Everybody,
When your marriage ended, did you feel like everything your spouse ever told you was a lie? You know, all the promises they made to you, plans that you'd made together that were never fulfilled. I just feel like I've been completely deceived. My husband turned out to be an emotional abuser & that's how I'm feeling now. We didn't have children together (thank God!). Maybe that's why I feel like I have to throw everything in the relationship out. Does anybody else feel that way? Melissa


I know how you are feeling. But at this point I don't feel like he was lying. I think he is incapable of all those things. Yes it still makes me angry. Especially when I think of all the time I spent with him.
Hang in there.
Amber
Oh yes honey I did.
Your feeling is normal - questioning if what you thought you had was ever real...
try to look at it as something bound in time. Personally, I believe more and more that nothing is eternal, and that we are bound to a slot in time. Love is too... when he said it, it was absolutely, completely true. The fact that it did not remain true does not take anything away from its value, nor from you. You can of course regret a short duration of an eternal promise... but promises are mortal, just like us.
Don't hurt yourself by secondguessing all you lived. Accept that it was trueful and wholesome when it happened if you can... that will eventually make life easier for you, because you will still be able to love and trust yourself with your choices.
I can empathise with your feelings. I understand the "everything was a lie" thinking.
I also struggle with the general feeling of how I let my self get used.
I put my ex through her doctorate, I did most of her doctorate technical work, and paid for her two kids. I liquidated the estates of my deceased parents to fund her legal attacks on her first husband. I funded her real estate investments. And in the end, I lost everything. And I had to fork over my retirement account because she was not funding her own account while she acquired her PhD. She had kept a very detailed paper trail, and laundered all money through her own private accounts.
Throughout the marriage, I was working on being married, she was working on getting dovirced.
I'm sure I am not unique.
It sucks, and I have to conciously stop myself from focusing on these points because that thinking only hurts me.
Oh yeah I feel like this completely.
See for me, he promised me the world and up until the day he left he was never "mean" towards me. I was completely shocked. I didn't know what else to do! Everything in my world had been a lie..... all of a sudden he didn't love me? even though I was pregnant with our second planned pregnancy???? WOW!
I thought everything was a lie, I went into questioning EVERYTHING from the day we met until the day he left. It sucked! ( for lack of a better phrase )
but you know what? Once the smoke cleared and I could think clearly I realized that everything I had, my kids and my self respect ( after a long hard battle with the Why's ) I realized I would be ok and whether he lied or not, I am a better person for going through this and my kids will always love me. He threw it all away and all of our dreams were gone, but maybe, just maybe I was going through the motions because that's what HE wanted me to do..... now I can live for myself.
Hugs to you and I hope things get better for you.
Angelena
I honestly didn't feel that way at all. Like my ex had told me many times:" You knew how I was when you married me, you knew I wasn't going to change." He wasn't kidding. There were a few let downs, such as, before we got married, he really wanted kids, and after we were married, he freaked out whenever I would broach the subject. I was also hell bent against moving back to his hometown. He always said we wouldn't but we kept getting closer and closer to it. I don't feel they were lies, persay, but some things he told me before we married, had changed.
In my situation, I was the liar. I did all of the things I promised him I would never do. I was the one that didn't give it a chance and couldn't accept him for the person he was. I should ask him your question and see what he says. We are both on such good terms now and so much time has passed since we were together that I think each of us have chalked it up to life lessons and moved on. Minus the hard feelings.
Was my lawyer to blame? No. It was my ex-wife.
As I have said before, the more reckless of the two spouses dictates the tone of the divorce and custody proceedings. Recklessness comes in many forms. I am NOT saying that my ex subjects her kids to clear and present dangers. No, she does something far worse -- she fills their heads with ideas and thoughts that will drive them into depressions and solitude as adults.
I was sexually and physically abused as a child. I had shared these experiences this with my then wife.
So during divorce, she made direct accusations that as a previously abused male child, she feared I would sexually abuse our son. She had my step daughters sign afadavits (that the ex wrote) wherein the afadavit elaborated how the girls lived in fear of me every day (in terms of physical abuse and sexual abuse) -- because they knew that previously abused male children repeat this pattern as adults. In addition, she wanted to move out of state.
When a woman levels an accusation of sexual and physical abuse at a man, in Franklin County OHIO, the courts system immediately sides with the woman. (MAN BAD, WOMAN GOOD!) So I spent my money recovering visitation with my son and keeping my son in-state. I had wanted to split the time equally between us, but the ex did not -- she wanted the child support from having him more of the time, and she wants to perpetuate her unfounded fears.
The saddest aspect of all of this is that I have lost contact with my two step daughters. My ex went to great lengths interpret the time I was their step-dad and to "explain" to them how abusive I was.
I have to keep in mind that my two step daughters (now 22 and 24), and hopefully to a lesser degree my son, have been indoctrinated with stinking-thinking in terms of men, marriage, and relationships in general. The 24yo was an X and pot user throughout highschool and college. The 22yo is a heavy drinker and was arrested last years on a hit-skip accident she had while driving drunk. Now they are both unemployed and live at home with their mother.
Hi oldnimrod...sounds to me like you and the kids were the ones being abused by a very vindictive woman...I can relate to losing the step kids as I have lost mine...my step kids learned (from their dad) how to verbalize there thoughts LOUDLY!!! and they did! They are no better than their dad, and I feel sorry for them. One (ds) is a pot head and heavy drinker at the wise old age of 16, the 19 yo daughter is/was always very demanding and we were told when, where and how things would be done...FOR HER!!! The 23 yo dd is facing prison time for committing welfare fraud. She ran from the state thinking that she will never be caught or face the charges but, the welfare system is nationwide and connected through the computer system. Imagine her suprise when she goes to apply for welfare in Michigan. Their dad is a pathological liar, thief and con man...probably one of the best I have ever seen. See? The seed never falls far from the tree...
I am so sorry that you have to go through all this pain...its rediculous when the innocent is made to look like the "bad guy"! My heart goes out to you!
Yes, Melissa! I think a lot of people feel like that when they are getting divorced. I definitely feel like my stbx was a lie in himself. There was a lot of "false advertisement" going on there. When we started out, we both agreed that both spouses would take equal roles in the cooking, cleaning, parenting, etc. Oh, my gosh... I was lucky if he ever hit the hamper with a sock. He did NOTHING around the house, never cooked, NEVER cleaned, never did any repairs, never did anything with the lawn, and then, when our child came along, didn't do much to help with her, either. It was awful. I felt so deceived. I just petitioned for divorce, and he certainly didn't fight me on it much. I think it was just more than he could handle.
I don't know what you can do besides talk about it when you first marry. It's not like you can get the other person to sign a "participation contract" or anything. I guess we just take our chances, some will win, some will lose!