Don't give up so easily...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Don't give up so easily...
13
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:38pm
I've read many posts by people who have given up on their marriage without really trying to save it. I would just like to say from personal experience that divorce can have devastating effects on people and their families. It's especially damaging when someone leaves another because of a change in lifestyle (loss of a job, spouse is in the military and has to go fight for his/her country, retirement, etc.). My step-mother left my father after he had retired because she found it too difficult to be with him all day long. One year later he committed suicide. Please, try to save your marriage. We live in a world where people seem to give up too easily when times are tough. Try to think back and re-discover the person you originally fell in love with....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 3:03pm

I think you have a point.... sometimes people do give up too easily, but.... it also takes TWO that are willing to try to work to save it.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 3:18pm
It sounds like you really gave it everything you had. Sometimes a marriage can't be saved. Plus you were betrayed several times and that makes it much harder. My post was an attempt to reach out to people who are going through some rocky times and have chosen to leave the situation rather than face it. Many people today have a low tolerance for pain and conflict, which I think is a major factor in the high divorce rate. No marriage is going to be without some pain, and that is why I think it is important for those experiencing troubles to take a step back and think more with their head, not just their heart...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 3:35pm
Definitely!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:06pm

I agree Adam. Sometimes it seems like people don't try, and it is truly sad when it happens.

My X didn't even give me a chance. He left one day, the next day I found out he was with another "girl". I was pregnant and an at home mom and all of a sudden single! I begged for him to tell me what was SO WRONG that made me deserve this and WHY couldn't we fix it? I believe strongly that people who leave situations that may not be THAT BAD are people who are unhappy with themselves. You have to truly be happy with yourself in order to be happy with someone else. Until that problem is fixed, you will always be the one to give up.

I guess I was brought up differently, but my dad left my mom because she got Cancer. She wasn't there to do things with as much and she was sick a lot. That is not a reason. Some people get mad at their spouses for not helping around the house and as soon as that arguement comes to a head, one is ready to leave.

I just think that marriage is a serious commitment and needs time and love to work. Once you feel that first tiny feeling that you aren't happy.... TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE, don't just leave one day.... lol for goodness sake...if you go to work one day and you hate that day with a passion... will you quit your job?

nope.

Thanks for the posting Adam!!!

As always, Hugs!

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 5:27pm

I have to agree with the OP. I know I didn't do enough to save my marriage, and I was the one that walked away. He was just caught in the storm of my selfishness. I didn't feel he showed an effort, but realize now I expected him to be a mind reader. He said he was willing to make changes but when I didn't see them, I jumped ship. Not realizing until he reminded me, that I gave him about six days to make a 360. In my mind, I wasn't seeing the effort I had hoped for. Looking back, there were so many better ways we could have handled things. Neither of us chose to do so, we have both recognized that, and are very happy now that the divorce is finalized. I do have to agree that many couples cut and run. We always said we wouldn't do that, and guess what happened?


That is why, now, when I read posts here, I always ask the OP if their spouse knows how they feel. It isn't fair to expect someone to be a mind reader, or to make changes overnight, or perhaps at all. But we need to be patient, remember our vows and commitments, and give it all we have. At least then, if things don't work out, we can walk away with the satisfaction that we gave it all we had.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 5:47pm
Oh, you're right... there are many times when posters here

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:25pm
A relationship takes work. And I've learned (twice now) that it takes two people to make it work, but sadly only one to make it fall apart. I always seem to attract the runners. My parents were divorced and I've always known that when they married they were "in it for life" -- at least that was both of their intentions. As it was mine and the X. We even talked about it. We wondered together how someone in an intimate and committed relationship could just one day, out of the blue, say this isn't for me anymore, I'm outta here. Now I want to ask him to explain that little mystery to me! Everything was fine. Then one week, it felt a little different between us. Nothing to worry about, since we loved each other and were committed to each other. He would tell me if something needed working on. Then a couple of days later, I started an innocent conversation (I thought) and found out he needed space. The next weekend, he was a self proclaimed single man. I was left out of all of it. He was going through getting out of a depression (with my kicking him into counseling, my support, and my help) and then he wanted to change everything about him and his life in 2 weeks. He can't even tell me one thing that was so wrong with us except that I was always there for him, even at my expense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:39pm
I forgot to add that I also don't think that a failed relationship means either party is less of a person. I am trying to be angry with my X (I say try because I have discovered I don't like anger and it makes me sad when I feel anger towards a loved one so I internalize it and usually end up depressed), but that doesn't mean he's a bad person. I was thankfully not in an abusive relationship, like many people are. I think he has treated me and us badly and has not been fair, but that's not to his core being. I am also NOT a bad person because this has happened twice. Hopefully I will learn more from this experience and I pray not have to repeat it again. I know my mother married for life -- after the divorce, I remember her going out on 1 date (after my dad's death!). About 15 years after the divorce and 5 years after dad died, my mom told me she could not only bury my father now, but also divorce him. That blew my mind! No, I don't want to be like that. Yes, I am frightened of being like that.
Relationships are complicated. There are never any easy answers.
I did not mean to go on -- I guess I've had a lot pent up I didn't realize and I'm not even sure I'm saying anything correctly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:53pm

'I did not mean to go on -- I guess I've had a lot pent up I didn't realize and I'm not even sure I'm saying anything correctly'


I thought you said it very well and understood every word!


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 7:11pm

I am sorry about your father. My father committed suicide when I was 11, but completely different circumstances than your father. My parents had divorced when I was 3 and that was the right decision for both of them, but they handled it like adults and I believe them being divorced had a positive effect on my life. If they had stayed married life would have been unstable for my sister and I, and my mom would not have had the strength she needed to raise us.

My father has been dead for nearly 24 years now. It's not something you get over. He could have chosen to live. He could have found a way to cope with the pain in his life and had a better life. He could have lived just so he could see me grow up and so he could know his grandchildren. But it was his choice and I can't change it. I think if I could talk to him now, he would regret killing himself and missing out on so much of his life. He was only 34 when he died, the same age I am now. I can't imagine my life being over, it's just beginning for me. You must have a lot of anger and resentment towards your step-mother. My guess is that what she says about being with him all day was an excuse. In most divorces, there is a lot more to the story than anyone ever hears.

In my case, I did not want to save my marriage. I was married 9 years and I believe him and I should never have gotten married to each other. We have a beautiful dd, and I do not regret that I did marry him and I did have her. I tried to make my divorce as easy and amicable as I could, I tried to do what was best for all three of us. I agree with you that people should try everything they can to save the marriage, but also that some marriages have to end in the best interests of all. I just wish more people would put the children's needs first, and that more fathers could stay involved in their children's daily lives after divorce.

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