Can't turn off the mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Can't turn off the mind
7
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 5:07pm
Hubby moved out Feb. 14th and while it is getting better, find myself still falling apart at odd times, such as watching tv and love scene comes on. Even commercials make me feel incredibly sad. When does this part end, or at least get better? I know he is with his girlfriend now and when I visualize them together it is excruciating. Just hard to get those visions out of my head, even though I am torturning myself. Does he ever think of me, of the good times we had? I just want it all to go away and scared to death that it doesn't. Please tell me it does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:39pm

Hello and Welcome!

First let me say I am sorry for all you are going through.

The good news is, yes, it will get easier. You have only had about 2 weeks to cope with the change in your life and that just isn't enough time for you to heal.

It stinks when this happens. My H left after being together for 6 years, we already had one son and I got pregnant with number 2 4 months before he left. We planned a second baby and had plans to buy a house ( were looking and had found a relator ) It was terrible when he left. Shortly after he left I found out he was "with" another woman. He moved in with her 2 months after he left me... that I know of.

It hurts, bigtime. I could look at EVERYTHING in the house and remember when we bought it, where we were and even what we were wearing. I would hear a song on the radio or see a movie and EVERYTHING would remind me of him. I had my couch along one wall and the entertainment center forming an L with the couch, in that cornder was the DVD case, housing about 50 DVD's. I sat on the couch feeling puky from being pregnant just staring at those DVD's saying to myself.... I remember buying ALL of those! I would just play over and over the day's events on when we bought every single DVD. Then I would look up and see a picture of the 3 of us. We had our family portrait taken 6 months before that and we were happy. I would remember that day, we went to work ( we had worked together at the time ) we picked up our son from daycare and then met his sister and brother in law to get our pictures taken for our Father's for Father's day. Everything would make me lose my breath and everything would make me cry. I thought about the Why's and How's and everything in between.

Then one day I decided enough was enough. There were certain events that had happened that made me say.... ok, he isn't coming back and he doesn't care about us like he should.... so let's move on! I got so angry one night that I decided to clean house! I took down pictures, packed up his clothes ( he left with the shirt on his back basically ), I took all the DVD's and packed them up.... I took down cutsie little love decorations that we had bought together and I basically made my house look like a blank slate. I packed it all up and threw some things away, but I called him and told him he needed to come RIGHT NOW and get HIS things. He did. I did keep 3 proofs from the family portrait to hang in my son's room..... but the rest of the pictures went into a box except some single pictures of my son.

I felt A MILLION times better. I was an at home mom when he left and had been for a year, so I was STUCK financially in the house I was living in, as he was paying the bills even though he wasn't living there. So I decided that if I was going to stay there, some things needed to change. I switched rooms with my son, took down my bed frame and slept on the mattress and box spring on the floor. I tried to change everything around so it appeared different.... you know what? it worked. I stopped dwelling on what could have been, the more I fought with him to come and see his son I realized that he wasn't coming back and we were no longer important. We weren't number one anymore.

I won't lie and say I didn't ask him to come back on more than one occassion. I did. I thought that I should fight for him..... everytime I thought of him with her I cried, hard core. It made me sick. I thought I would be the last person he was "with". I thought I would always be with him.... So with that being said, I started to get mad. I got so mad that I started to pick fights with him just to make him do something to make me hate him even more. I even became friends with his girlfriend. This made me even more sick. It's a long story, but she is a whore and a kid. 10 years younger than him, a teenager when they started seeing each other. I started talking, just talking, to people online. I posted a profile online and started making friends just to fill time. I also began to call some of my friends from school and some of the people that I neglected while I was married. Everyone was really accepting. I began to fill days with my son and friends. ( online or otherwise ) Then I was browsing the Yahoo personals and I happened to find an old co-worker.... I emailed him to say hi and here I am over a year later. We began dating 6 months after my X left me. I never thought I would feel love again, but I do.

I guess the moral of the story is..... You have to try something to make something better happen. I know it sounds risky, but you need to fill your time. TV SUCKS for these situations. Get out of the house...... go do things you don't normally do. Fill your time. The days will go by and you will begin to feel better. The more you think about all of the things you "miss" the more you will realize it is not HIM that you miss, it is the idea of being married. Don't let it become a habit to be sad. In some ways I think I let it happen too long and in the end my son suffered for it. If you have kids, they know that you are upset even though you don't show it.

Do things for YOU. Don't think about him and his girlfriend. That is the worse thing you can do... you make yourself nuts wondering what they are doing. Trust me, I know.

I never thought I would get over him. Now, i can't even stand to be in the same room with him. Do I think about him sometimes, yes. But I don't miss him. I am happy and have found happiness. Someone who respects me and my kids and loves me no matter what.

It will happen for you too! But it has to start with YOU.

give yourself SOME time to grieve. Then BUST OUT! It will be worth it!!!

Hugs and good luck,

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:34pm

I agree with butterfly...the only way I got my stbx out of my system and quit crying was to remove ALL reminders of him...I boxed everything up (crying the whole time I was doing it) but I am better now...what is that saying? Out of sight out of mind? It is true!

It does get better and the pain will lessen, (I still have some pain, but, it is because I still think that marriage is sacred). I know that you will be OK when your mourning period is over. It takes awhile, but it does get better!!! I promise! Just hang in there and keep posting daily and you will be able to breathe again...soon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:55pm
Thanks so much for the support and encouragement!! It's amazing how much it helps just knowing someone is on the same path as you, just leading the way a little bit ahead of you and motioning you forward. Continued success to all of you as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 11:48am
I am so sorry you are going through this right now! I know how you feel. My husband of 28 yrs left suddenly (I had no clue he was so unhappy) a little over a month ago. I know what you mean about the TV shows and commercials, because I was the same way. Any sign of normal family life or romance or couples made me too sad! I was having panic attacks that didn't quit, so the first thing I did was go to see my doctor and got on some medication for anxiety. That helped a lot, and I was able to function a bit better. Almost 2 weeks ago I started on some anti-depressants as well. I also found other divorced women where I work to talk to, and they gave me support and encouragement. Coming to this web site and message board will also help you a great deal. I also started changing some things in my house, mainly in the bedroom- a new comforter and curtains. I plan to make more changes, but to be honest, right now I am still hoping he will change his mind and come back. Another thing I did was find the nearest Divorce Care group to start going to. Talking to people and sharing stories seems to help me the most. I hope you find some things that will help you get through this most difficult time. Maybe some of these ideas will help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:21pm
it does. i keep a journal and looking back shows me how far i had come. its hard though.but just know it will get better, it takes time but you WILL get through this
lotsa hugs to you
keep us posted
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 7:56pm

Thanks to all of you. Actually, today has been a better day. I am trying to stay busy and last week cleaned out the bedroom. THAT REALLY DOES HELP A LOT!! Next move is to change bedspread, curtains, etc. There are some good things about not having to consult someone when you make changes, when you really stop and think about it, huh?? Especially when your tastes are completely different. lol.

I find myself looking forward a little more rather than looking back, so that is obviously a move in the right direction.

I am so glad I found this website. I came across it in my darkest hours and reading all your posts helped me through those darkest hours. Thank ALL of you so very much. I wish happiness to all of us. My grandmother always used to say that what didn't kill us would definitely make us stronger. We are all here and we are all living, so we obviously must be stronger than we thought, huh?? Thanks again and I raise a toast to our continued success moving through this journey.

Hugs to all.

Judy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 8:19pm
judy i am so proud of you! wow you are doing so much better then i was! i also began to enjoy buying things without consulting anyone (especially because he hated me spending money).
i think changing your surroundings is a great idea. make it all your own to reflect who you are.
i am so happy to hear you say you are looking forward. i think everyone here would agree with me thats the single most important thing for you.
you will come out of this stronger. if i could share something, i did go through periods of time when i was lonely and missed him and etc. and i wanted to go back. and one of my good friends had been through the same thing and said to me its normal and wait wait wait. if you think you want to go back wait a couple weeks, and the feeling will go away, and you wont believe you had ever wanted to.
just in case you feel that. its normal.
i felt i took three steps forward and then two back through the whole thing. but the important thing is as along as your motion is mostly forward lol.
youre doing great.
please keep us all posted. i will be thinking of you and wishing you well.
:)