Moving along but discouraged...*long...
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| Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:18pm |
Hello,
Its been a few weeks since I posted and I have been hoping many of you are getting through some of the difficult issues you have been dealing with.
I hesitate to tell more of my story when so many of you have much worse situations; but have felt encouragement here when I have posted in the past. My nsetbx was given a Restraining Order (not yet physical abuse, but very, very controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative with both me and the children) for the three weeks until our Temporary Custody and Support Hearing. It is at 9 a.m. this Wednesday, so would like to ask for good thoughts and prayers for our family.
I have a good lawyer I think; but its so hard for me to really depend on all he says. I feel like I am divorcing my ex's Family, not just him. The fil has sold our leased home in a distress sale and I have an eviction notice for March 8th. The RO allowed for visitation at the grandparents house on Sat, Sun and supervised calls twice a week during this interim. I filed December 31st. He 'forbids' the divorce. He now knows he cannot do that in a no-fault state, but he has all the money (should say his father does, not him). He is delaying, manipulating, dragging out everything he can. I am trying to be positive for the kids, but on the inside beginning to be a little discouraged. We haven't had a relationship really in three years since one of our little ones was diagnosed with Autism - he went into total denial about it. Took me 7 months from its onset to 'convince' him to allow me to take our son to a specialist. He is in total denial about our relationship problems still, and has told his family and friends that this was all a sudden surprise for him and we had a wonderful family which I am ripping apart...sighs.
Anyhow, I have no job yet, but think I could get something. My attorney basically said I cannot get one at least for now because a lot of the case is based on the fact I have been at-home full time caring for the children and homeschooling for over twelve years.
I have very good credit. We have almost no debt. I was able to get a credit card in my name before he took our savings account, closed our joint checking account etc. He did that before he was served the papers; so I do not know if there is anyway for my attorney to get any of that back. Since I asked for the divorce on December 14th, he has not allowed me any money. He allowed me to go grocery shopping a few times and had to give him the receipts and return any change. Then after January 2nd, he stopped that. He gets groceries and has his father drop them off at our front step. He has paid the utility bills etc. But he has the internet, directv, and other accounts password protected so I cannot get them changed into my name and get the bills paid for. He has requested the suspension of them and is having final bills 'forwarded' which means until the accounts are paid in full and closed, I cannot open new accounts here at the same residence anyhow.
Stbx has his parents helping him plan this, there seem to be a million excuses, and reasons for anything. His parents own the family business he works in...he says its 'going under' and he is not getting a salary now, so it won't matter what support he is told to pay, that he won't be able to etc. He is contesting the custody of the children. He has told them if he doesn't get full custody he plans to move away and they will not see daddy because he will be heartbroken and does not 'believe' in divorce so he will not allow a shared parenting plan of any sort. That of course scares them so. Either he gets them or he says he is moving; that is a real loving father. Everything in his universe has to be under his control or else. He also has the children thinking the family (his) is moving the business to another state. (They have been 'moving' for about 11 years actually.) He of course, has told the kids I am not able to take care of them, have no relatives and will be a bag-lady after we are evicted from the house. He is restricted from talking about the divorce proceedings witht the children under the RO, but he and his parents have obviously continued to do so in his passive-aggressive way.
He has had our first judge recused...(each side is allowed to request recusal once here in our state)he was irritated from the minute he saw her, said in the hallway she was 'a white, liberal female' and he wouldn't have a chance. Anyhow, he also now has gotten a different lawyer as well. I have been petitioned to meet for a deposition on March 8th...for what? He took our financial cabinet out of our home, (along with our wedding rings, the two family computers, a huge satchel of our family pictures, family videos etc). The deposition is 6 pages of questions or requests from his new lawyer for financial information in our whole marriage, almost all of which was in that wood cabinet he took. I told that to my lawyer and his paralega. She was very gentle, but explained this is the pattern of someone who is trying to win by dragging/delaying things until the other side 'runs out of money'. She said it is legal, that they can spend three or four hours going over this (even though they know perfectly well I don't have the paperwork and/or do not know much about it). She explained it is a way of 'running up' my attorney fee's, for he will be present to make sure nothing out of order is asked etc. My lawyer accepted my case and only charged me literally half of his normal charge. I really appreciated that and know he is very experienced and I'm fortunate. I don't believe though that he will keep representing forever once I have no money left. I understand that. He has to have some defintion about clients who cannot pay him.
I am nervous about Wednesday. The lawyer, his partner, his paralegal, the Social Services Child Investigator, everyone who has been a resource on my case keeps telling me it is a very solid case. But all I know is first of all, there have been three delays each time we were to go to court so far. And, the RO is over with on Wednesday. I do not know anything about the newly assigned judge/commissioner. I have no inkling if he/she will award me the Temporary Custody while the divorce process is ongoing (6 months min here plus more when it is contested). Nor do I have any idea whether someone/the judge will finally 'make' him give us any financial support. What will I do if the accounts are all turned off tomorrow? Actually the gas in is my name, but nothing else. So I am thinking he will probably at least pay the gas, water/garbage and electricity but everything else will be turned off and remain inaccessible for me to make any changes to. I hate the children to be going through this, and they miss him of course. I cannot tell them for sure what the temporary custody might look like, visitations etc. I am not allowed to talk with them about the divorce under the restrictions of the RO either.
I am being immature. I have to just let the system work. I feel so helpless though. I want to GET A JOB, DO SOMETHING PROACTIVE, show my children I can take care of them, that 'daddy' is not right about everything and I soooooo want to show them also that he is not MR. MORAL MAJORITY, lol....but he has a few negatives as well. Of course I will not; they will have to work out their relationships with him as they grow up. But I am feeling all those emotions. I am lucky to have a counselor I have been able to talk with. That does help. I know some of you may have gone through this type of thing or worse. I guess I just needed to vent a little.
The lawyer had me contact five Abuse Shelters ...and if the utilities are actually shut off or the lawyer cannot find a way to delay the eviction, then we apparently (the five kids and I) would be able to get some help that way. If we go to that sort of shelter, we basically 'disappear' and the stbx will not know where we are for protection reasons. The shelters I have so far talked with are 30 to 45 day coverage. But that is taking my kids into a whole other world...again, making him 'right' that I am ripping their lives apart. He has offered me three 'blackmail' situations I call them; he calls them generous offers of love and concern. My lawyer is aware of the offers. They are either he gives me money and I agree to sign 'over' full custody to him, or he will buy a large house in the new state and I can rent a room there and be near the children for 6 months til I am on 'my feet', or he will lease me an apartment nearby to their residence for 6 months - all in 'exchange' for me signing over full custody of the children and then he will sign the divorce papers. Of course I have said verbally and in written form, via email that I in no way am interested or would ever agree to these.
I started with resolve and a bit of stubborness, now I am not so strong. I feel so guilty about our children. I wonder if on Wednesday as the judge makes decisions, is he going to allow the stbx back in our home? How am I to live in the same house with him now? I slept (or rather didn't sleep) with my purse under my pillow for 7 weeks before the RO. He would argue all the time, follow me from room to room, spent every evening playing 'super dad' to the children in a way he never, ever did in our whole marriage. Told them things that were completely untrue to other things based on a true statement but exagerated enormously, gave them Bible "lessons" on things to 'prove' how horrible I am. Sigh. I feel mentally'tired'. I know, I cannot give up. I know I have to fight as long as possible. I will. But it all 'looks' like I will have done the 'right' thing but still lose, eventually run out of resources and have to take the children to his parents front doorstep to ask for help. If I 'lose', will the kids see that I fought for them? I love them so much. I can't function anymore with their father. I just can't. I hope for the best outcome.
Blessings,
Anna

Honey, he's insane and you're real and the court is going to see that. And no, there's little chance that the judge will sentence you to live with this monster. Call your paralegal or lawyer for reassurance, or just talk with the legal advocate at the shelter. You're not the first DV case the judge has dealt with.
Remember, you are not the one doing the ripping apart. You are insisting on getting your children out of an abuse situation. He is the one holding your utilities hostage (which the judge is going to love), mentally torturing the children, and whatnot else. HE is doing the shredding here. Once you're somewhat free, you and the children's therapist can set about straightening out any brainwashing. They'll remember what he said, and most of it sounds cracked. They will not reach adulthood, or likely next year, blaming you for this madness.
I'm so sorry it's grinding along like this. I'm sorry he's so determined to create chaos and destruction. But he is digging his own pit. Big hugs and may the time pass quickly.
I don't know how courts rule in your State, but I see no reason to be concerned that your Stbx will be allowed back under the same roof with you. His past actions were bad enough for a temporary RO, and you are being evicted from your house by the children's grandfather, only a complete nut would put you and your Stbx back under one roof. There ARE some people who end up being stuck living together throughout a divorce. But in those cases, neither person ever left the home, neither person is misbehaving badly enough to need an RO, and the home is OWNED by the couple and neither can afford to live anywhere else until the house is sold. That is not your case. What does your attorney say about this?
I am sorry to hear of the terrible divorce you are experiencing. Yes, others have been there, and survived. But it still hurts, it's still very scary. Take very good care of your health during this time, and do what is necessary to get the sleep you need. Part of what helps us to be emotionally strong is having a strong, healthy body. Hang in there, good luck.
YOU immature??????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~