How to decide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
How to decide?
6
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 1:22pm
I have been married for 2 yrs in october. I guess I always knew it wasn't right, but thought things would work out. Husband is a recoving alcoholic (sober for 5 mos now), but I guess I can't forget how he treated me when he was drinking. I feel as though hes my roommate instead of my husband. anyone else feel like this. hubby has no idea i feel this way, i brought it up once that I thought we had made a mistake and he flew off the handle and threatened to kill himself. I know that that is a control statement, but a part of me felt that with his drinking at that time he would do it. I would appreciate any feedback you have and any comments/suggestings to either save or get out of my marriage.
Thanks to everyone!
Chrissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 1:54pm

hugs chrissy..... I am sorry for your pain.you can't just stay in the marriage because you feel sorry for him. and you can't save a marriage on your own. I think that you need to find some support and strength in order to take the next steps - whether that would mean fixing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 2:39pm

Are you going to a counselor or al-anon? He has to make some serious changes in his life and in his thought process and his value system to stay sober, and that automatically means you have to change too (usually to not enable him, but the changes can go much deeper than that). Sometimes that can be a downfall of a marriage, not to mention the risk that he could drink again since he's only been sober a few months, and a threat to commit suicide is a not a sign of things going well. You need support to get through this too, regardless of whether you stay or leave him.

The decision to leave is not an easy one. If you have doubts, that usually means there is some hope if you want to put the energy into working on it, and you think he will too. If he won't work with you, there is very little you can do to save a marriage.

I would take any threats to kill himself seriously. If he threatens that again, end whatever converstation you are having and hand him the number to a suicide hotline, and refuse to discuss anything with him until he calls. This site gives an 800 number and links to local hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 6:23pm
I am not getting any outside support right now. I know that I need to. I dont know that I even want to save my marriage. I just feel really bad leaving him. We have been together for 7 yrs, guess I should have gotten out while I could. I just feel as though he is my roomate, not my husband. There is no attraction, no sexual desire and no communication. We work different shifts, so we barely see eachother and quite frankly, I'm happy about that. Hes a good man, but I just don't think that I love him. But then again, I'm worried that I may find out that the grass isn't always greener and that I was expecting too much out of my marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 6:44pm
Expecting to see each other, have sexual desire and communicate is not expecting too much. Sometimes it's true that the grass is greener. Getting some outside support is essential though, no matter what you decide.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:09am
I hope you do take the advice to find someone IRL to talk out your feelings with - preferably a therapist, but even a friend or joining an al-anon (I think that's what it's called when you're a family member of an alcoholic?) support group. While your husband was drinking and not treating you well, you may have distanced yourself emotionally from him to lessen the pain of it. Just because he's stopped drinking doesn't mean you can instantly turn your feelings back on and trust him with your heart again. If you find someone to help you deal with things, you may find that you do have enough feelings remaining for him to give things another try. Or you may find that it is time to end the marriage. Whatever the outcome, at least you'll feel more confident that you're making the right decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:22am
Thank you to everyone that has replied. This have been a very confusing and stressful time for me. I don't want to be selfish, but life is too short to live day to day unhappy. Thanks again.
Chrissy