Dying day by day

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Dying day by day
5
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 11:43am

Hi guys as my seperation is coming near am dying slowly.I have been begging,crying in front of my hubby to forgive me.whatever mistakes i made was due to immaturity.I did insult him in front of his colleauges,friends and family.i also leaked out his secrets to his GF.he is at no cost ready to forgive.am begging for one last chance.he says no way.

people are scaring me saying my life is going to become hell as every guy is going to see me as a divorced female.this means theres something wrong with me,why will her husband leave her if she is so beautiful. I have no job,married six and a half years.no children.

you think i will have problems in getting married for the second time?will guys think about six and a half years ?Is it a negative which every guy will think before considering me for marriage?divorced girl means divorced,does number of years of marriage
matter?
am scared to death.nobody in my family told me that divorce is bad,never think of it unless you have no option.my husband is divorcing because i insulted him in his office and to his friend and also his GF.SHE PROVOKED ME AND I YELLED AT HER.SHE SAID ALL THE BEST IN YOUR FUTURE AND SHE BRAIN WASHED MY HUSBAND TO LEAVE ME AND SHE WON.

THANKS IN ADVANCE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 12:01pm

Oh honey. I am so glad I checked the board this morning!


Your post could have been my life almost 2 years ago.


Let me start by telling you where I am now. Remember, I felt like you do right now, when all of this started.


I am 28 years old. I have 3 wonderful children.


I dated 3 guys before finding my current boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together 16 months. We plan to get married someday and I AM happy. My divorce was final 1/18/05


Now, when I felt like you did, I was pregnant, had one son, no job, my family left me ( because I was divorced and no matter how much I cried and begged he wouldn't come back ) I was alone. I thought, WHO in the HECK would want me, pregnant, no job, 2 kids... UGH! I was beside myself. I thought it was literally the end of the world. I didn't want to be divorced at 27. I NEVER for one second thought I was going to end up this way.


I blamed everything on myself. I thought I did EVERYTHING to demolish my marriage. I had no idea H was so unhappy. I never once thought he was ready to leave. He blamed me for everything.


The thing is, if I hadn't of changed my way of thinking, and yes it is COMPLETELY up to you to change your way of thinking, I would STILL be alone and miserable.


The first thing you HAVE to do is change your way of thinking. No matter what you say to him, nasty or rude or insulting, you have to remember why it happened. Did it happen because he said something to you? Did it happen because of another factor? Regardless, it did NOT count as being the number one reason for him to walk out on you. It should have counted for a reason for you guys to go to counceling. It should have been a reason for you to get some seperate help.


Do you see what I am saying? It is VERY easy for the men in our lives to blame us for everything. My X did, all the X's I know blame the people they left for everything. Bottom line is WE DIDNT LEAVE. WE DIDNT GIVE UP.


Next thing, he is with someone else now. FORGET ABOUT HIM AND HER. ( I myself have a hard time with this one but it IS doable ) You need to take care of YOU. The truth is, would you want him back? Do you want the fighting and the knowledge of him being with someone else back in your "marriage"? I think the answer would be no.


Your probably sticking to the past and forgetting that you have a wonderful future ahead of you. YOU have been given the OPPORTUNITY to start over. He is stuck in the past because he is living with the guilt of leaving his wife for someone else. YOU have the UPPER HAND in making your life better, but you HAVE TO start changing your way of thinking and YOU HAVE TO start taking care of YOU.


It starts there, if you don't start there you are making the choice to be alone and be miserable. Divorce doesn't make you an outcast to other men..... believe me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 1:55pm

I have read your story before, here and on other boards. Being divorced is not a death sentence unless that is what you want it to be. Plenty of men out there are divorced too and will not see it as a negative necessarily. What they will want to know is how you handled it and whether you came through it stronger and if you are a whole person, self reliant and happy with or without anyone in your life.

I know for a fact from reading this and other posts of yours that your only hope of 'recovering' from this is to find a good therapist and make a committment to becoming an emotionally healthy individial for your own sake. You can do it. But you have to make a choice to do it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 3:14pm

Hi bold!

There is NOTHING WRONG with being divorced. But I can read through your words that you don't think enough of yourself. Don't do that. You need to be important to yourself first, the rest comes later.

I was married for 27 years and am suddenly on my own. Never in my fondest dreams did I think my life would ever be the same again. I was right...now it's only better. I am not dating anyone right now and truthfully can say that it is okay.

Counseling would help you sort this out immensely. Whatever happened in that office was because you were in defense mode...that doesn't break up a good marriage. Remember, love should be a flowing thing, not something that is measured by how loud you scream.

Hang in there,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:50am

bold-
Your post reminds me much of how I felt a few years ago when my husband told me seemingly (at the time) out of the blue in the middle of an argument that he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me. I felt so overwhelmed by my emotions - confusion about why he was doing this, guilt at every mistake I'd made that must have caused this, refusal to accept that the marriage could be over, despair and grief that it might be over. I cried and begged and grovelled for a chance to work things out with my husband, and held onto every possible sign of him changing his mind. And like you, I took all the blame he was shovelling on me, and felt if only I could change and be a better wife he would change his mind. It was the worst time of my life. But I gradually came to realize that it takes two people to make a relationship, and that no one is perfect. I could accept my ex's flaws, but he used mine as a way to deflect his responsibility for the choices he made. In reality, even if I was the worst wife imaginable, he's still responsible for his own choices and needs to own that, but he never would.

In your post, you take responsibility for your problems, and you place responsibility on your husband's gf, but what about your husband? Don't you think he should take some of the responsibility for the state of your relationship, and be responsible for his own choices?

As for the stigma of being a divorced woman, I think you should stop confiding in whoever is saying these hurtful (and untrue) things to you. Find yourself a therapist to talk out your feelings with, and start working on developing some new friendships. If it's family who is being unsupportive, I can relate. Some of my family members were very unsupportive at first, but they did eventually accept the divorce. It isn't uncommon to be divorced now. Most people have failed relationships in their past, just not everyone is unfortunate enough to get married before things fall apart. I don't think a guy worth having will care that you were married once before. But right now, I'd worry more about dealing with your feelings about your separation. Once you've worked through your feelings and spent a little time learning who you are on your own, you'll know when you're ready to give someone new a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 7:50pm

Dear Bold & Beautiful -
First - God Bless you sweetheart!
Second - you are not alone!
Third - God never gives you more than you can handle -try to remember that as you whether this storm.

I have so much to tell you - so let me try to get to the many points I want to make.

You are not the first and believe me - you are not the last to be divorced. There is ALWAYS someone out there that has it much worse. Being divorced now-a-days is no biggie & if some guy makes it out to be a big deal then he is not worth your heart.
There are woman that have been married 2 times with child(ren), some that have been married 20+ years and now find themselves single again, or some that were married for a very short time and got divorced, etc. There are SO many various reasons that people just don't work out.
I am one of those 2x married & 2x failed relationships. I don't disclose this to everyone b/c to be quite frank, it is MY past and it is that, that makes me who I currently am either they like me or they don't.
To be even more open I would have been married to my first husband who was a pilot, had I not have found him joining the mile high club with the stewards he worked with, my second husband who is the father to our 3 year old - yeah, I would have been married to him - could I have got him to see me as a person and not a piece of property that he "owned" and could train to do what he wanted - which also required punishment when I was out of line including hitting me but not limiting to while I was expecting. My daughter and I left one day when he went to work with the few clothes we had.

You mentioned your hubby's gf - if all you did was yell at her at his office when she provoked you - tell her she got off light! She would have provoked me the minute I found out she wanked my husband and me yelling at her at his office would only be the START to the remainder of the evening - ever seen 9 to 5 - when they hunt there "provoking" boss in the office?!?

Hang in there and say this " he is not worthy". Truly a man that leaves his wife to be with his mistress will only have the flame of desire burn out quickly when the mistress starts actling like the wife. I see it all the time. Tell him good riddance - wish her the best (since she has to deal with YOUR leftovers now), buy a pair of stillettos and walk with your head tall, darling.
The world is truly a wonderful world & way to short to cry over spilled milk. We divorced women - regardless of our situation - take it day by day - for me "life is to short to live unhappily & there are no second chances to do it differently". Chalk it up as a lesson learned, start a new hobby & meet as many people as you can, smile big, and love yourself first - everything else will fall in line with due time.

You are not alone and God Bless you!
Mari