New man in my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
New man in my life
8
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 4:57pm
My divorce is not yet finalized and I have met someone new. I haven't told him that my divorce isn't final because I'm afraid of scaring him away. But I think the right thing to do is to be honest and offer the information just so it doesn't come back and ruin this relationship at a later date. This man is my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with. Even though I haven't known him very long I just feel like he is. I guess I know what I need to do, but I'm scared because this guy is everything I've ever wanted. Anyways, my stbx and I have agreed on everything and the divorce will be final next month, just wondering what your thoughts on this are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lmf77
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 5:13pm
My advice is be honest with anyone you meet about your situation. Also, get to know this new man a little better before you decide he's everything you want. He could have some skeletons too, and people always seem better when you are first getting to know them and especially when you are in the infatuation phase of the relationship. Pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him this news, that might give you some insight into his true character (if he doesn't care, that could be good or bad, if he's a little upset, that might be a good thing too, it might mean he appreciates being honest and up front... just pay attention). Also, until your relationship is tested with some difficulties and challenges, you won't know it has the ability to last. Nobody is everything we want, everyone has something about them that isn't just right, but in time we decide if we can live with those things. It takes quite a while to figure out what those things are, they won't be the things that are apparent up front. Keep it going with this guy if it feels right, but exercise some healthy skepticism along the way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: lmf77
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:58pm
I think you should be honest. I am not quite divorced yet. I will be once I sign and have the papers notarized tomorrow. I have also met someone new but I told him from the very beginning what the situation was. It's not like you are still living with your husband and since you have already started the divorce proceedings it should work out just fine for you....Good Luck...ginger
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:18am

I agree, you have to be upfront.

But I also agree your in the infatuation stage of your relationship...which can also be the funnest! I met someone and thought he was fantastic, everything was going great, I could really see him being in my life forever... only to have him walk out my door and not ever return my calls again. I seriously thought something happened to him, as this was not how I "knew" him. I thought I knew him so well and he would NEVER do something like this. I saw NO signs this was coming. I was crushed. I did get a pathetic email eventually, but it was a week later.

Eventually I did talk to him again...told him how worried I was...told him that I didn't think he would ever pull something like this. He agreed, thought I knew him pretty well too, and said he was a coward for what he did.

I don't mean to scare you or put a damper on anything...just keep your eyes open for a while.

I truely do hope he IS your soulmate...and that you can have a happy ever after!!!!
TC!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:54pm
i'd be upfront and honest with this new guy.
If he cares about you he will stay with you, and
the sooner you tell him the sooner you will be
closer to getting your divorce finalized. Plus
you are not living with the hubby (ex) right now
so you are in the phases of getting this all signed,
sealed and divorced...good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:58pm

Hi

Congrats on meeting the new guy!!! That is so exciting and I am so happy for you. I also met a wonderful man who I think is my soulmate too. We've only been together for just over 3 months now, but he is everything I always dreamed of having. I started going out with him only a couple weeks after my STBX and I separated so it happened really quick. We are still only separated as we can't file for a divorse until we've been separated for a year so it will still be awhile. I was upfront with my boyfriend about it all though and he is ok with it. He knows I don't want to go back to my ex. I would be honest with your boyfriend so he knows what is going on.

Good luck!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:30pm

Imf77,

I agree with getting to know this new man much more because it is definitely easy to fall into something thinking that this is what I have always looked for, or wanted. It happened to me. I am new to this board and the last year and a half I have distracted myself to the pain of losing my marriage of 10 years. I met someone during the very beginning stages of my divorce and I didn't start a relationship until January of this year. We were supposed to be married this July. I thought that this person carried with him everything my ex wasn't and I will finally have everyhting I always longed. After the marriage we planned on moving to AZ and as I started to clean out my place (that my ex and I lived in for the past 8 years)that is when the brick wall hit and the pain of losing a 10 year marriage and a 25 year friendship becane real.

I knew enough to know that this pain was normal and I took it up myself to take care of myself through this without wanting to involve my fiance, because all this had nothing to with him, or him and I, it all had to do with me and my pain, etc. Well, he couldn't accpet that. Not only wasn't I given the space and respect I needed to take of my needs, he became an emotional vampire. All his insecurity and co-dependent issues surfaced and the more I tried to explain myself the more he choked me until I realized that I got divorced because of a controlling abusive relationship, and I am headed into one that is the exact opposite, meaning that although there isn't any yelling, name-calling, and all the characteristics of my last relationship, what this was controlling and manipulative in a very different way, and I was not about to be someone's mother, babysitter, caretaker. The uncontrolable sobbing and crying, and begging on his part totally blew me away, as well as out the door. He also in advertantly hurt my daughter's feelings, which is not allowed in my book, not the intentional kind of hurt.

What I'm trying to say is just be careful, and be very aware of your instincts, that voice that we all have inside us, and listen to yourself. Go slow, and take care of you. Presently, I have decided that I need a sabbatical from relationships/dating and men for a while and to be quite honest, as painful as it is at times I really feel good about being on my own, because although I am alone, I don't feel alone or lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:36pm
Wow, that must have been quite a revelation for you. Congratulations on not making a huge mistake, and learning this about him, yourself and the relationship before you moved so far away to be with him. This is the type of 'light bulb experience' I have only had in the presence of a qualified therapist. You should be very proud of finding the insight to realize what was happening and the strength to act on it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: lmf77
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:52pm

firstamendment,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It has taken years, and although I have my moments, like we all do, I have had enough in my life to recognize the red flags I chose to ignore, or didn't see in the past. I admitted to all my faults and the things I have done and I am taking this time to fully heal, which I thought I was doing, but realized that I have a defense mechanism to distract myself with things and people to avoid the real pain. The pain within myself, the pain I caused my ex, and the pain he gave to me. We hurt each other more than any two people I have ever known.

I still am very much in love with my ex, even though he is an abusive man, but I know he is not safe for me, and it breaks my heart facing the realization that the one person whom I thought was my everything could hurt me the way he did, as well as hurt my children, but I hurt him too.

That's how I keep my clarity, and when this situation arised everything I have learned in the 5 years of intense therapy just kicked in. Now, like I said I am content to just be. Thank you so much for your encouragement and I feel that every woman has strength, we all just need the right support system to help us along and guide us through, and since I can't talk to my family about this I talk to my therapist, write in my journal, and have found this board.

MidnightBlue