more of my funk

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
more of my funk
3
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:39pm

Okay, so I have been stuck on the thought of stbx with the OW all weekend. We had a mediation session on Thursday and the issue kept coming up over and over again and I think I just got caught up in the whole thing. I tried to ignore my imulses all weekend. I wanted to yell and scream at him, but I didn't. When I went to pick up my dd for Mother's Day I was a wreck. I had been crying all morning and when I called to say I was on my way -- his request -- I was sobbing so hard I am sure he could hardly understand me. I was so sad that even thought I love my daughter with all my heart, she willprobably be my only child and that makes me sad. He has already started moving on with a girl who left her husband because he didn't want to have kids so I am sure he will have more with her. It always brings me back to the what was so wrong with me question.

Anyway, this morning I finally lost it and sent him an email asking him not to take the OW to any of our special spots when he is with her in the town we used to live in. I feel sick thinking of them going out with our friends to places that were important to us. I know his friends won't say a thing and they will just let this new girl take my place. It will be like I never existed.

I feel like I am in a worse spot than I was when this whole thing started. Because of the end of the school year I can't even take the day off to go to the counselor. Why do I care so much about what others think? Why do I care what he does with a woman who clearly has some moral issues as well? I just don't want my daughter wrapped up with a woman like that and htere is nothing I can do about it. Maybe I am just in the why me slump. How do I get out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:48pm

Hugs to you sweetie.


I think the way your thinking is normal, but also, it's a choice.


I know for me, I had to decide NOT TO care about the two of them together anymore. I had to decide NOT TO care if he took her places he used to take me. I had to decide NOT TO care about their relationship as a whole. After all, it is, NONE of my business and I have something more important to worry about, me.


Honey, you have to make the choice to be positive about YOU and take care of YOU. If you don't you will be stuck forever in the "funk" we call divorce, OW, XH and pure yuckiness.


I hope I helped even a little.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 6:04pm

god, your post brings back my worst months. note i said "brings back" -- that means i'm no longer there. the e-mail you wrote to your ex was for you -- you know that, right? it wasn't for him. you needed to let him know you were hurting so much. eventually, you will find that you won't need him to know. in fact, you will want him to see that you've gotten on with your life. you really WILL get to this stage. we all do. which isn't to say that what you're experiencing isn't real. i will never forget that pain.

i don't agree with the second poster that grief is a choice. when you are grieving, you are in it. it's a process. it sounds like you know when you need to talk to someone and that's positive. it also is good you're posting here -- another positive thing. feeling like hell is just sometimes beyond our control AND completely normal given the situation. we can't force a shorter timetable. what we can do is get the help we need -- be it therapy or friendship, taking care of ourselves by eating the right way, taking vitamins, getting enough sleep. that's it. don't be too hard on yourself. this is hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:23am

Please hang in there. I want to warn you that I was the one who had an affair in my marriage (brief, about 3 weeks) but I ended it immediately upon discovery by my H and did everything in my power to work on our marriage. I thought we were making progress in our marriage as never before with the help of MC and a lot of time spent alone together but then he did a 180 overnight and demanded a divorce. That is why I am here. My best friend, however, is about exactly where you are. She has 4 kids. Her H just told her 3 weeks ago that he is having an affair, a friendship, of course, that is growing and has been for 2-3 months and basically he wants to pursue the relationship with this OW. My best friend is the most loving, caring, nurturing, compassionate person on the face of the earth. He is a fool. He did all this while knowing full well what hell my family was going through for my actions. She wonders constantly what this OW has that she doesn't. I'll tell you what: Her H and OW don't have kids together, bills to pay and haven't gone through rough times or seen the bad sides of each other yet. It's infatuation. Don't think no one will ever love you again. I am 35, soon to be divorced, and have 3 kids! It may as well be 30! Who is going to want me? I am going to want me, that's who, and someday someone will see me love myself and see what I have to offer and will see all the things my H did not (some of which he ignored, some of which I did not work on until now.) You cannot worry about that now. You have to worry about taking care of yourself and your child. That will keep you busy enough. Please go the the library and get some books on getting through divorce. I found most of them at least a little helpful. Your feelings are all very normal. Trust me, I thought I would NEVER have anymore children and now I am afraid if I meet someone and he wants a child of his own I may just have to have another. EEEK! Don't let ANYONE make you feel badly about yourself, especially yourself!

Take care!

Lisa