Getting Stronger Everyday

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Getting Stronger Everyday
13
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:02pm

Hello Ladies,
It sure feels good to be able to post messages of hope and strenght. I know for all of us who have struggled, wondering when it will ever end (the pain, dissappointment, etc). Im glad to say that the "No Contact" theory is saving my life. For all of you who couldnt imagine getting to that place, take if from someone who used to believe the same thing once I really committed to doing it, wow does it make a difference!

I've made it for 8 days without calling him. My biggest achievement of all was not taking his calls on Mother's Day. He wanted to "come over". Called my cell at 1:45a.m. Saturday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, saying he doesnt know what he's doing for the day, he's trying hard not to piss anyone off or make them feel inferior. The nerve. There is no way I was going to "share" my mother's day with the sleazy woman he cheated on me with then got pregnant when i kicked him out. He must have called my house 5 or six times throught the course of the day. Even called my sister's house looking for me. It's amazing how when you start to ignore them, they want to call & call & call.

Well I intend to stay strong, it feels good to have some control, its been so long since I felt out of control.

Score 1 for the women.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:31pm

Way to go!


If I had only known what you know 1 year and a half ago.......


You are an inspiration to us all :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:42am

It's still an uphill battle. It's been over a year for me and it's just starting to sink in that I do actually do better without him, feel better when I dont see him or talk to him. But im not cured completely yet.

He called yesterday and said he wanted to come see the baby and it's crazy because there's like some other person inside me sometimes that's still a bit naive, even hopeful that people can change and even though my mind was screaming say NO, I said okay. WRONG MOVE.

Well the visit only reinforced the fact that I dont need to see him or talk to him unless absolutely necessary, only pertaining to our son. Things were fine for awhile until the "preschooler" called him and it was downhill from there. It still bothers me like hell. There are still so many emotions. TOO MUCH still going on in my heart.

It's crazy because the thought of my son being around her makes me sick and I said to myself the less time the baby spends with her the better so that was my justification for letting him come to the house but it's just doesnt work for my well being. It keeps me stuck on him when we have those little moments of playing with the baby and our hands touch or something. Any advice on how to get over the thought of her around my son?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:21am

hmmmmm, I guess you will probably never get over it. I know that's not comforting. If it isn't the "preschooler" it will be someone else, no matter who it is, it will hurt.


I think the first step would be to have her STOP calling him while he is visiting you. That is just disrespectful. Talk to him and demand that the cell phone stay in the car and this time is devoted strictly to your child. The problem is she is so young and obviously so insecure.... I still battle this one, although it has let up a lot, it's still there. I think we just have to be tolerant.


We have to know what is best for the child. It would be ideal if you could keep your child around you and him all the time, but the truth of the matter is, you will find someone else and he will have someone else. My thought is/was let XH take the kids with him. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but it is what is best for the kids. While the kids are gone, do something for YOU. It will get easier as time goes on. I promise. It did for me, it will for you :)


Hugs,


Angelena


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 12:41pm

As always I appreciate your input. The thing is I believe he's trying to please everybody, trying to keep me waiting in the wings or something like that. He does go in another room if she calls and usually keeps the conversation to a minimum. But it bothers me and I've explained that to him. He says if he doesnt talk to her when she calls him and he's at my house she will keep calling and argue with him asking why cant he talk to her when he's with me. Which hey I would probably ask the same thing. Last night they did get into an argument b/c she called about 3 times and he told her he would call her back, he was talking to me. Needless to say that didnt go well.

You know as bad as I wish he wasnt like this, I have to somehow accept that this is the way things are. He hasnt changed. When he was there last night we hugged, he layed in my lap, there's still this connection or something. Because of this I know I cant see him again. The thought of that scares me to death sometimes. Ive been afraid that cutting him out of my life completely means no chance of having the "dream life" I thought I would have the "family". When I dont see him or talk to him it doesnt hurt at much. I always kinda figured if I didnt give up on "us" he would wake up but it's just not happening. He says he can only focus on one thing at a time. There are too many other complications with his life right now. Losing his job, having twins with the woman he cheated on me with, he had them when we broke up etc.

I feel lonely sometimes. I havent moved on and he has, second time around now for him.
This sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:18pm
Wow- 8 days! Good for you! I don't think I've gone that long without talking to my STBX since i met him almost 6 years ago. I find its a whole lot easier too when I go without having to talk to him, and most of the time its him calling me. I agree with what you said- the more you ignore them, the more they call! How true!!!
I got a lovely wake up call at 5am this morning when my STBX phoned- neither me nor my boyfriend was happy about that, then he called again at 6:30am! Just to remind me to send him something he wanted faxed to him that was still on my computer. My bf said "This is getting ridiculous!" about STBX always calling. It really is and I'm going to have to tell him to stop. There is no way I want to put my current relationship in jepardy because of STBX.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 8:20am

I tell ya... if somebody called me at 1:45 AM on any day.... without an EEEEEmergency.... it would be really easy to ignore all future calls from them!


And yes..... you are very strong!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:29pm
He called my cell, I had it in my jacket so I didnt even hear it, wouldnt have answered if i did. I was strong for only 8 days. I had a set back Monday trying to recover.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:21am

Hey..... 8 days is GREAT!!!!


Don't set your "goals" and expectations too high right now.... and don't expect yourself to be able to totally cut him off.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:04pm

Thanks so much. It felt really good. I guess I was just so dissapointed in myself that in the one day of seeing him all the progress i thought I made seemed to dissappear. Sometimes it's like when im around him my logical senses fade away and my heart takes control and gets caught up in the dreams of what was supposed to be.

Well im back on track, its been 2 days so far and I feel good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:10pm

DO NOT berate yourself - you are doing FINE! NOTHING has disappeared. you can't expect to UNDO years of habit in just 8 days and you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself.


every day that you succeed - is success. if you make a bad choice one day - remember that you can redo things the next day, as long as your general direction is UP.


hang in there - you're doing fine!

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