How many of u have visitation through co

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
How many of u have visitation through co
18
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:56am

Okay, Ive been struggling back and forth with this. Whether or not I should go to court and file for sole custody and get visitation set up through the courts. I did that with child support and needless to say that didnt go well at all. He was furious. He always took care of our son but when we stopped living together I didnt know if I could still depend on him.

So he asked if we could handle the visits between ourselves, be civil to each other etc.

But he's so inconsistent as far as picking up the baby when he says he will. He sees him maybe once a week. He calls, says he wants him on a certain day and then cancels. It's really annoying now. I mean dont get me wrong I actually feel better when he doesnt take him sometimes because then my son wont be around that disrespect girl he's seeing now and I admit it hurts when he takes him knowing she will be with them because it feels like she's taking away all my dreams of being a family. Doing the things the three of us were supposed to do.

Im even still jealous even though I cant figure out why because he already cheated on her with me. Im not proud of that but it shows me he hasnt changed a bit.

As far as the visits he feels no judge should tell him when he can or cant see his own child. So I dont want to cause any more tension.

But Im at the point now where I need some stability and consistency b/c I think he uses that to keep me in limbo. He's gonna get him, he cant get him. I cant make real plans based on his actions. Meanwhile he is living his life, having fun. This is his 2nd relationship since we broke up a little over a year ago. I havent even had the first one.

Then there is the factor that I'm so afraid he may try to run off with our son to another state to hurt me. Maybe Im just paranoid but you can never tell. He seems to blame me for his life being the way it is now. He doesnt seem to want to accept his role in everything that happened.

So do I just go to court for the visitation and risk putting a wedge between us for good. We were trying to keep things on a caring, civil relationship between us but it just doesnt seem to be able to work right now. Will we ever be able to get along? I know there are still feelings between us, he's admitted it but things just seem still so painful.

Have any of you been able to have a successful relationship after the separation concerning the kids? How did you get to that point?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:33am

I guess defining a successful relationship would be good. I mean, do X and I fight all the time.... no. Are we civil to each other when we see each other, yes. We talk like friends on the phone and in person. So if that's successful, I guess that's a yes. Does XH do things to piss me off sometimes, yep. I don't confront him about all of the things, usually it's all done by email and solved BEFORE we see each other. Making us all happy. Kids never know we were fighting and we still maintain a friendly relationship face to face. It's about learning to separate my feelings for him from what is best for the kids.


As far as "filing" for sole custody. Courts don't usually award sole custody unless both parties want it that way or there is violence, abandonment or drugs involved. The courts will always favor both parents being documented as being apart of the childs life. My lawyer told me that in the beginning and the more I read, the more true I see it to be. Cancelled visits hurt the child and make us mad, but the courts don't necessarily see that as "hurting" the child. That's not enough to get sole custody, it would cost you a BUNCH of money to fight that one.


Visitation,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:42am

To answer your first question, our custody agreement was part of our divorce decree. It spells out basically how things go and also speaks to child support.

>>>Have any of you been able to have a successful relationship after the separation concerning the kids? How did you get to that point?<<<

I did it by hammering into his head over and over and over and over that I was not going to screw him over. Guys really do have the short end of the stick in court most times and they have every reason to be scared. I must have said to my ex 100 times "I'm not going to screw you" and "I'm going to stick by my promise to never move away with dd." Sometimes I still think he doesn't believe me, but it helps that I have never gone back on what I said.

If I were you I would file through the courts, but you need to be upfront with your ex. Tell him being civil and making it legal are two separate things completely, and that you will keep being civil, you will agree to whatever the current arrangement is that you have already agreed on, you just want it to be in writing and documented somewhere. Tell him that you are not fighting for anything that you don't already have, and that doing this will ensure he has certain rights too. Say it until you are blue in the face, but don't back down either. You also need to keep him talking to you. Ask him straight out what his concerns and fears are, and then address those. If he's afraid of not seeing his son as much, ask him what kind of language he would suggest you put into your agreement so that he feels protected? If he's afraid of not having flexiblity, propose that the agreement say "this visitation order can be modified at any time by agreement by both parties." Basically, you need to really talk to each other and understand each other's position in order to reach a fair agreement you can both live with. You can't make him talk to you about it, but you can motivate him to do it. You can tell him "I am going to get this documented through the courts, and if you want a say in what goes in the court papers, now is your chance to sit down and discuss it with me." If he won't do it, then at least you tried and if he blames you later you can always say "I gave you the chance to sit down and discuss it with me, you are the one who refused."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 12:17pm

>>>Courts don't usually award sole custody unless both parties want it that way or there is violence, abandonment or drugs involved.<<<

I get confused by the terms, and I just want to clarify what you are saying. Every state is different, and I am just talking about physical custody here, not legal custody. But are you saying your state manadates joint physical custody in all cases, unless the parties agree otherwise? In your state, does joint physical mean 50/50 or does it mean some other form of share custody? I have never heard of courts that shy away from sole physical (aka one parent has 'primary' custody and the other has visitation). From what I have read, even in FL where they supposedly do promote joint physical custody, that rarely results in 50/50 shared custody, there is always one parent that has the child most of the time and the other has visitation).

I don't want the OP to be scared and think that if she goes to court she's going to lose time with her child. In most states, they do want to maintain whatever current situation is in place, and right now she is the primary parent and I believe she has been for a while. I would be shocked and surprised if the court in her case would force the father to have more time than he already has, or force her to lose time unless one parent can show that a substantial change is necessary for the benefit of the child.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 12:57pm

Thanks to all that replied.

As far as my fears of him running off with the baby to hurt me. Do you think Im just being paranoid. I mean he doesnt even get him when he says he will half the time and he makes the schedule for the visits. He had mentioned he may move to Pennsylvania so it was that that began me worrying he may try to pull something crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:12pm

Well, I have said this before... yes you should be concerned. Lots of parents have had to deal with a child disappearing with the other parent, and not having custody through the courts can only serve to hurt your chances at getting your child back. I have read posts of parents who lost custody completely due to this.




Edited 5/10/2005 1:15 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:55pm

Wow, that is my worst fear. Definetly something to consider seriously. i guess you never can tell what they may be up to. When everything first happened and he was furious he told my sister if it was the last thing he did he gonna get me back. I just tried to attributed that to all the anger and pain of him being kicked out of the house.

I had got a temporary restraining order against him and he couldnt see the baby for 6 weeks because he threatened to move all the stuff out of the apt. I was so scared, so I got the restraining order.

When we went to court for the CS order and we were leaving he was so angry he tried to pull my scarf from around my neck, I screamed and he had to spend the night in jail. He blames me for all of that. There's never been any violence but the night I found out he was still seeing the "ow" we argued, shoved each other a bit, he desperately wanted to leave the house I wanted explanations to what the heck was going on. He said he was gonna call the cops if I didnt let him leave. He left, came back kept saying he needed stuff from the apt. I refused to let him in b/c I was afraid and I ended up calling the cops and filed a report.

So I guess all of that cant ever be repaired.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:00pm
Him saying he wants to get you back and him doing it are two different things. You may have nothing to worry about, but if it were me I would not leave it to chance. The past cannot be changed, but you both could learn from it and not repeat the drama in the future. Improving your communication would be a good place to start, but getting the custody settled through the courts should be non-negotiable IMHO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:05pm

Yes in my state, NY, they promote joint custody. Joint physical custody is different. I think in my case, I only had Joint or sole as an option. I chose joint as it was my understanding that it wasn't much different, that visitation would still be mandatory. The only difference is getting access to school and medical records and he won't be able to make any decisions regarding the children's best interest.


It was explained to me that all judges see joint as the only way ( unless specified by one of the parents that they want sole, then the "battle" begins ). They designate the custodial parent, the child lives with that parent. 50/50 was never brought up to me. ( I couldn't imagine having a 50/50 deal, eek )


They want both parents involved with the children, thus giving my X "reasonable visitation" it isn't written that he HAS to see them every other weekend. I guess the ball is in my court with that one. My X was pretty stupid in this whole thing, he agreed to things that he KNEW I didn't want. There was a misunderstanding somewhere and my lawyer went for the whole shebang. It worked out for me and it didn't. Example, my ex gets sick, I am a one car family and my SO works. I can't get to the school to pick my ex up and if he is already home I can't get him to the docs at the drop of a hat. I email my ex and ask him if he will be available, the response I get is that I have sole custody and I have to figure out a way. So I guess you have to choose your battles. My X doesn't do anything out of what is written in our divorce, his payback to me for filing I suppose, but not helping his kids any.


I'm just going by what my lawyer told me and my experiences.... hope this helps ease the fear.



Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:21pm

>>>Yes in my state, NY, they promote joint custody. Joint physical custody is different. I think in my case, I only had Joint or sole as an option. I chose joint as it was my understanding that it wasn't much different, that visitation would still be mandatory. The only difference is getting access to school and medical records and he won't be able to make any decisions regarding the children's best interest.<<<

Now you are really confusing me. Access to school records and to make important decisions is having Joint Legal custody. Every state I know of promotes Joint Legal unless it is harmful to the child to have both parents involved in important decisions, or if one parent has proven they will not make decisions in the child's best interests.

People use all kinds of terms, but Joint Physical would mean one parent has more than just 'visitation,' that both would have some kind of shared parenting time. Are you saying NY promotes Joint Physical, and that one parent being the primary custodian and the other being NCP with visitation is NOT the norm. If NY promotes sharing physical custody (joint physical, 50/50 or some other equitable sharing of parenting time) that would really suprise me. Most states say you can only have 50/50 or something similar if both agree, if the two parents disagree, one gets sole physical and the other gets visitiation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 3:15pm
Hey firstamendment,
check out under the love & sex headline, click on divorce, then legal issues. There is an article explaining legal and physical custody.

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