So confused...and still hurt/angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
So confused...and still hurt/angry
7
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 4:27pm

After all the horrible things that my ex husband has done and is continuing to do to me, I still find myself thinking that I'm still in love with him.

I've posted before saying that maybe I'm just in love with who I wanted him to be and what I wanted and needed our marriage to be. I don't know. We argue and fight still...and all of the time, but I believe that the anger that I harbor for him is just the surface of deeper feelings. If I wasn't still angry, then this whole chapter of my life would be over, right? But b/c I'm still holding on to this rage of being betrayed and hurt, then maybe I still do have love for this man.

Is this even possible? There are times when I just want to scream and yell at him and tell him exactly how badly he hurt me, and then there are times when I just want him here with me.

He constantly brings up things about our marriage and bitterly says "I love you too" out of the blue on phone messages....I don't understand what that's about. When I question him about it, he says that his personal life is his own, and our marriage is over, and not to ask or say anything about it. Then why throw I love you's so bitterly in my face? To hurt me?

I don't know what's going on...I don't know if I love him or if I'm just holding on to the dream that I had...

I'm so confused, and so stressed....
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 5:48pm

I am so sorry for your pain. I have felt this pain as well. I sometimes wonder if I am still in love with my stbx. When we aren't arguing things seem to be good. When I think about the OW things are terrible. I recently read in a book that when we hold onto our anger it is because we are trying to hold onto the intimate part of our relationship with our stbx. We don't want to just let go and give up so we hold onto whatever we can even if it is the anger and hurt. I agree with that to a certain extent. The downside is, the book didn't give me any answers as to how to get rid of the anger.

I know for myself, that is why I hold onto the anger. I feel like it keeps me connected to him even if it is painful. I want to let go, but I have no idea how to do that. I don't want to let go because then it will really be over. I kind of feel like if I do that then the OW has won the game. The stupid part is, no one is a winner in this game and everyone is hurting. My anger is really only hurting me. Someone described it to me like picking up a hot stone to throw at your enemy, but you are the only one to get burned. That is how I feel right now.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I feel your pain and I wish I knew how to take it away.

neverdull

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 11:08pm

You're probably right....thanks for the input, I really do appreciate it.

I'm just so hurt...how can he be so mean and so cruel, as if we never had anything together.

I look into my beautiful baby's eyes and just wish that she had both of us here, living and loving together, the way it should have been all along.

There are times when I feel as if I'm completely over this man, and then other times I just want to stay in bed all day crying over what never was and what I wanted it to be so badly. I guess it's silly of me to go telling him all of this...but what if there is a chance that he will somehow change and realize what he's doing? Silly right? But maybe not completely irrational thinking on my behalf. Maybe this is a longer process than I figured it would be, and maybe all of the thoughts and questions I have are just steps that I must go through in order to enter the new chapter of my life!

Anyways...thank you again!

Hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 9:46am

I feel the same way. One day I feel great, like I can make ite on my own and who needs him anyway, and the next day I feel terrible. I don't think it is silly to feel this way at all. Even if we are talking about husbands leaving us they are still the guys we fell inlove with and thought we would spend the rest of our lives with them. It isn't silly to want to have that back even if we know it is impossible or a really bad idea.

I have been struggling with my stbx's OW. I don't know how to keep her out of my mind. One day I don't care and the next day I can't function. I don't want her to have anything to do with my dd, but I won't have a choice eventually. I just hope someday that all the hurt will go away. I don't know how long I can go on like this.

I hope things start looking up. Don't feel like the things you are thinking are silly. I think we all go through them and we all struggle with what to do to heal.

Hugs!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 9:47am

Oh girl, you are not alone at all. My ex has done so much to hurt me but I too still love him, hold on to the anger afraid to let go completely. I went for 8 days with no contact at all. I felt so good and in one day he asked to come see our son, I caved and was just a mess all over again. Things will be fine and as soon as his new girlfriend calls it all goes downhill. He says he still loves me but his life is too complicated right now. Yeah right. He's on his second relationship in a little over a year. It makes me sick. I havent even had the first once since the separation.

But we need to allow ourselves to be away from them so we can heal. It's very important to do that. My ex just wants to have his cake and eat it to. He's cheated on this new girl with me who is only 20yrs old. He's 29. I think that we are stuck on the "man we thought they were" We have to accept that if they were the men we thought they were they would have never hurt us the way they did.

I did a post yesterday saying that I feel like the "ow" has won. But that's the thing she hasnt. Iam the winnerr. I dont have to worry about where he is, whether or not he's sleeping around behind my back etc. Little does she know he's already cheated on her. Im not proud of it that's why it's important that we set severe, specific boundaries. we have to demand respect. I know as long as I let him walk all over me he will continue. Im gonna try my best to take a stand for myself! WE DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER. A man who will love, honor and respect us. I forgot how to love myself so Im gonna work on that.

Hang in there girl, you'll get through, we all will. If you ever need to talk im here. I have felt everything you are feeling you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:11am
Kait
my heart goes so much out to you, i feel like you were putting in writing the exact same feelings that i have every day. i wish i knew something to make you feel better. i have faith that time heals everything, and that this too shall pass. do you like how i can put two cliches in one sentence? but they are thoughts that keep me going when i have days where i want to go back to bed and cry.
hugs to you
bridget
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:13am
I hear ya!!!
My ex did horrible things to me (nothing violent, but he cheated several times, had a baby with one of them etc) but I still maintained I loved him. I loved him unconditionally. I still believe to this day I did.
However, after I was the only one making an effort trying to save our marriage, and he was still cheating....I realized he was just not the same person that I loved. Even he was confused as to what he wanted, and therefore, I felt he was playing with my head. When I came to terms with the fact that he is not the same person I had known for half of my life, and that I couldnt' change him back, and I couldn't make him a good person again, I knew I could let go.
I still talk to him almost everyday. I miss him terribly, but I miss the old him, not the current one.
I think we will always have a bond, beyond the fact that we have kids together, that people will never understand. He is still my friend, and I care about him and his well being very much. I still am attracted to him. But I know that I want so much more, and deserve so much more than he can give me, and this helps me move forward.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 3:15pm

Kaitlyn,

The emotional turmoil you describe is actually pretty typical when you break up with someone. I, personally, believe its 1,000x more intense when its a marriage. That's because you have a lot of history together, and children are a very strong bond.

It's possible to still love your ex-spouse even though he is/was a jerk. :) And the back and forth feelings you have are exactly as you describe: you love the person you wanted him to be or he was, and you hate the person he has become. Your heart and your brain have to wrestle with that during the transition from "coupled" to "un-coupled."

I lived through a divorce 8 years ago now. (I had to stop and remember how long ago. See, it does get better!) I had the same struggle. What couldn't know then was I'd get through it and emerge on the "other side" with my heart and my brain intact. That didn't happen overnight or even in 6 months. I'd say it took three years (I was married for 12 years). The trick is it gets easier as time goes by.

Right now your in the firestorm of the breakup when everything is fresh, your desire for what could have been is at its peak, and you aren't ready to let it go just yet. You keep hoping something will happen to reverse the course of divorce and he'll "get it" and come back so you can have the ideal marriage you wanted.

Living through the first 6-12 months is the toughest part of coming apart. It's all too easy to call each other, see each other, and try to convince each other its not real. As you move past the first year and your separation is marked by longer and longer periods of no contact, you'll find you visit the land of "if only" far less. You'll cry less, smile more, and start thinking about what you want from your life as a single person.

The other half of this nut is to take things one day at a time. We all want things to be "over with" quick in our culture because we can't stand discomfort. There's only one way to deal with pain and that's to go through it.

I encourage you to take small steps and set small goals like going for a day without talking to your ex, avoiding places you visited when married, and turning off the radio so you don't hear "your song." One day becomes two, then a week, then a month, then sevearl months. You'll find you will need to cry and grieve and wish and hope, then life goes on and you find new things to look forward to.

One of the things I did for myself in the first year after my divorce was learn to cook for one. I hated being home alone but I decided that it could be a respite from all my emotions if I set a goal. So, I bought a few pots and pans, a good cookbook, and forced myself to go home after work and prepare a meal. I began to look forward to "my time" after a few weeks and now that I'm remarried I have some wonderful new dishes to prepare for my husband.

Hang in there. There's a gift inside every divorce: a second chance to be whomever you want to be only you're wiser. ;-)

Wisdomtooth