How do I accept this divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
How do I accept this divorce?
5
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 10:20am
My husband informed me last week that he wants a divorce. He's been thinking about it for a year and I didn't have a clue! We don't argue, there's no one else involved, he just says he's bored. He doesn't want to be married anymore. This is a second marriage for both of us and we both brought kids into the relationship plus have a daughter together. I've been raising his kids as my own since they were babies (both now 9 y.o.). Because he's bored, I'm losing my husband, 2 kids, my home and my entire way of life. I've been a housewife for the past 7 years and I'll never find a job making anywhere near what he makes. I don't want this divorce and just can't seem to accept that it's happening whether I like it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:20am
Hey there. Right now, you're still in shock at what your husband has told you. It's hard to come to terms with a major life change like this in only a week, especially if you didn't have any prior warning. I went through a lot of feelings of shock and confusion, grief, and anger, before I came close to feeling acceptance. Have you asked your husband whether he'd consider marriage counselling? If he is decided on the divorce, then you should get some legal advice on where you stand. There's also a lot of great information available on the web about dealing with divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:16pm

hugs.... i agree with sang froid. this will take some time for you to accept - perhaps you need to see a therapist. for sure you need to seek legal advice.


I am sorry for your pain right now....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:21pm
Huge HUGE hugs! I am so sorry for your pain. This all new to you. It WILL get better. If it helps, i have a freind who's H was just caught cheating, for the 2nd time. She is DONE. She also raised his children, since they were toddlers, they lived with them, for the past 11 years. They have an amicable divorce & she is actually seeking & getting, (agreed by him) visitation as if they were her natural children. I hope this type of thing may work for you too! (((hugs)))

R~

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:49am

Solymr,
Who says you have to accept it? I'd say fight it!
Your husband has a pretty lame excuse for wanting out of your marriage. He's BORED? Well, I have news for him, life isn't a constant party. Sounds to me like he just wants out of his responsibilities of being a husband, father, and bread winner. How old is he?

I strongly encourage you to not be passive. Get on the phone and enlist support. Do you attend a place of worship? If so, contact your pastor, priest or rabbi. Get in touch with a marriage counselor. Go. Go alone if necessary. Learn how to talk to your husband.

Part of saving this marriage will require YOU to take a hard look at yourself. How have you contributed to the marriage? Have you ever asked your husband what he expects of you (Other than child care, meals, and sex.) Have the two of you ever talked about your dreams "after the children are grown?" Have you ever taken a vacation without the kids? Even gone out for a "date" once a month and left the children with a babysitter? I'm convinced sometimes marriages fail from neglect. You get so involved in child rearing and motherhood and the whole picket fence picture you don't take time to be a couple.

Don't let your marriage end without trying. It will take work but its worth it. Go for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 1:28pm

Hi there :)


Hugs to you and I am sorry for what you are going through.


It is so hard when someone comes out of nowhere with the "Im bored" so I am giving up on the marriage because that MUST be what's wrong. I think it is pretty easy to blame our own unhappiness on our relationships without taking a long hard look at us as individuals.


I know how hard it is to get this shocker and I know its hard to get it through to them that maybe its not the marriage that is wrong....


I personally think it is owed to you and your children a better "excuse". I think it's worth it to fight. It's hard, but it will be worth it if it goes either way. I promise.


Hugs,
Angelena