ya knowwwwww? it just creeps up on you
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-12-2005 - 4:33pm |
I have been separated from my XH since 7/31/03. Through that time I have had many ups and downs.
I guess what I am most proud of is that I KNOW I don't want him back.
I was cleaning my son's room today. I found a stack of pictures I had given him to hold on to. They were pictures from 7/03 from our trip to a science museum. My mother and I went out of town to take my son to the science museum. I was pregnant, 4 months along. My H and I had an arguement the week before about money originally, but was instigated by his father calling him and wondering why we wouldn't be able to come to the family campout. His father sounded disappointed in him thus making my H mad at me. We argued that day. I thought everything was ok, we fought, yes, I left to go pick up Pepsi at the store and when I came back things were, weird. Different. He told me that I depend on him too much so that day i decided to take this trip WITHOUT him. Thus the pictures. We left, I felt bad leaving because I knew something was wrong. Something was bothering him and he just kept blaming work. I left, called him early the next morning and he was at work already, it was early, I mean 7am that I called him, I was hoping to catch him before work. I got a weird feeling. I told him I loved him and hung up. We went about our day and came home later that day. The bed hadn't been slept in. The corner of the covers on his side was pulled back so it looked like someone had slept there, but I knew better. I thought oh well...... I just let it go. I told myself, he won't leave. no way.
Things unravelled from there. He was just different. The morning of the day he left me, he kissed me goodbye like always, I was still in bed. He KISSED me. I mean I felt it everywhere. He kissed me on the forehead so gentle and so soft, it felt real as opposed to the normal quick peck. I will never forget that.
That night I don't even remember what happened, I just remember questioning something with him and it blew up into a hormonal arguement. I was pregnant. I remember him leaving that night, it was 3am or somehting like that. I couldn't believe it. Only a week before did I know something was wrong. He blamed work, he was tired... never once did he tell me that I was the problem or that he was the problem. He never told me he was unhappy. I never expected him to leave. Did I push him that night, yes, but I NEVER expected him to leave.
After that it was downhill. I started finding things about OW. He would mention her. He would lie to me and tell me there was no one else, that he needed to be alone to figure things out, he would tell me he loved me as the mother of his kids but he wasn't sure if he loved me like a wife, he would tell me he wanted to start over as friends and go from there. Never, until 4-5 months later did he mention a divorce.
There is so much more to the story. He lied to me about her, he told me they were only friends and then after my daughter was born he told me that they loved each other, all this stuff. I mean he lied to me so bad about everything that I literally thought I was crazy. I thought EVERYTHING was my fault.
It's been a LONG time since I have talked about this. I don't love him, I am just sorry it all happened. I had no idea, looking at those pictures ( picked up the day after he left me according to the date ) there were pictures of him and he was wearing his wedding ring, he was happy. Smiles in some pictures no smiles in others. We had this small pool, waist high, we were swimming in that pool a few days earlier. XH was fooling around with me, adults but making a whirlpool in this little pool with our neighbor ( XH's best friend ) and our son. He was making jokes and sexual enuindos with me under water....lol.... He seemed fine. I guess I just don't know what happened.
I think about it a lot. Because I don't know what happened I blame myself. I know in my heart that "she" happened, but he still denies that he was seeing her before he left me. I will never know the truth on that, so what was the real reason? Why did I fail? Why didn't I know?
Wow, I guess I needed to voice what goes through my head sometimes. It just sneaks up on you. Seeing those pictures.... I think, wow, just a couple of days before that we were fine!
I can honestly say, before he left we were fine. It just completely came out of the blue. There was another picture in that bunch of XH, our old neghbor and our son all sitting in folding chairs in the driveway. I remember we were cooking burgers for a party. He looked happy. That was taken a few months before he left. I just don't know what happened.
I guess as far as things go, I am owed an explaination without pointing fingers. He won't talk to me about it, hasn't really since a month after he left maybe. The problem is I am angry with him for leaving out of nowhere. I know it shouldnt matter why, and I know he would never take blame himself. I guess I would love to hear, Angi your right, I never told you and yes I was interested in someone else. Atleast I would KNOW why.
I guess it's been a long long time since I have talked about this stuff.... sorry it is so long and thanks for reading this.


I just lost my whole post to you. Oh well. I was rambeling anyway. Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. I felt the same way and I left him Dec.4,2001. Divorce final on May 27,2004. Sometime you just want to say }}}}}}}}RASPBERRIES{{{{{{{{{{LOL!
K:)
Hi there,
I guess that's where I confuse myself. I know that us being separate was good for me. It wasn't him that made me the way I was, I don't blame him at all. I guess it was the wake up call I needed that told me I needed to work on me. I'm a different person now, and for that I am thankful to him. HOWEVER, I, like you, feel like I failed somewhere. We were together for 6 years and married for, ready for this?, less than 6 months. We had just gotten married, I was 4 months pregnant with our second child, planned. I remember when we were trying, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was sort of disappointed, my XH said to me, don't worry honey we will just keep trying until it works. How does someone go from loving me enough to marry me and start trying 1 month after the wedding for another baby to leaving me for a 19 year old? ( he's 29, 28 at the time ) I just get so confused. I don't love him anymore nor do I want him back I just wish I knew. I guess for reasons that I can tell my kids when they get old enough to ask. My poor daughter, who I was pregnant with when he left, will never know her father like she should and she will ask. My son, who is 6 now, has been wonderful. He has had one day in the last year that bottled up emotions came pouring out in asking why daddy didn't live with us anymore.
I guess I feel I owe it to my kids to be able to give them an answer I am sure of. I tell him now that Mommy still loves daddy but not like we should be married. He knows what married is since we got married when he was 4.
I'm sorry for all your going through. It always seems they have the upper hand when they leave for a seemingly better situation. Mine is living it up right now being single. He and his GF have lots of fun without the kids and only take them when they have to. They don't want to be involved in our son's school functions or birthday parties. They don't want to be notified in case of emergency ( only by email ) they don't want a lot of things that I am proud to handle on my own. The kids will remember that. They will respect us for being there for them. Always. These kids will be by my side forever. I can only hope I am good enough to be a role model for them. It's what I strive to be.
Hugs to you and if you need anything, we are here.
Angelena
Angelena, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I am still not able to go through the pictures from our ealier days for fear of seeing how things were and could have/should have been. You may or may not remember, but my marriage basically ended because I was the one who had an affair (very brief, about 3 weeks, that I ended immediately when my H said he wanted to work on our marriage.) Please do not condemn me for that. I do not justify the choice I made. I think an affair is the wrong way to go under any circumstance. Since my H has left, I have taken a good, hard look at myself and at all the other mistakes I've made over the last 8 years. There have been many. I've gained much confidence back, and I have done a lot of work on myself. It makes me very sad to think I will be fixed too late to be with the man I loved and married. I have to remember, though, that no matter how "good" I was he is not the man who could make me happy. I wish he was, because a part of me does still love him. I know how you feel about not having the answers that you want. My H wanted to work on our marriage and then in a flash decided he wanted a divorce. None of the things he says make sense to me. My best friend is getting a divorce for the opposite reason; her H met someone else he wants to pursue a relationship with. She thought things were going well with them. She is a wonderful wife and mother. He is a fool. I feel terrible that he robbed her of the choice to decide whether or not to forgive him. Please stay strong, Angelena. I know it is hard to look at that and wonder what signs you didn't see. IT IS NOT YOU! It was his weakness. If it would make you feel better, you might want to write him a letter asking him everything you want to know; telling him how he hurt you, etc. You do or don't have to give it to him. I wrote my STBX 2 letters and it has helped me move on tremendously even though he hs not responded to or acknowledged them. I feel like I did all I could to save our marriage and that I did apologize for all the mistakes I made. Hang in there. And don't be opening up any more Kodak envelopes!
((HUGS))
Lisa
Sometimes.... we just have to replace the "I don't know's" with the "I know's"...... you KNOW who you are and what you stand for.... and what you have to offer a relationship... and to your kids.
Of course.... not knowing his true reasons will just lend your imagination to run wild with thoughts about what he must have been thinking or doing.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~