I have to stop myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I have to stop myself
2
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:04pm

Okay i talked to my ex last night, he wanted to take the baby today. Then I found out he wanted to take him to the "ow" house who has the twins by him. I cant get it, either he wants him when he's with the 20yr old or he wants to take him and have him around the "ow". Needless to say the thought of both drive me crazy. I got upset, we argued. My fault, I began reliving everything that happened, blaming etc, asking why didnt he want to make "our family" work. A real mess. It bothered me that he wants to spend time with our son and these other women and not me. I voiced this to him ofcourse. Mistake I know.

He claimed when he goes to see the twins they dont argue like we do. Says he doesnt come around to my house often b/c we always argue and relive what happened. Partly true. I cant seem to make peace with it. For me though it's like he wants to come around, talk, spend time together, hang out, get his phone calls and wants me to pretend that everything is okay. I told him maybe him and her dont argue b/c she is willing to share and has in the past. I told him Im not willing to share, nor do I want to. So he said if I know I cant handle being around him knowing that the "gf" will call then why do I complain that he doesnt spend time with me and the baby at my house. He's right. What the heck is wrong with me. Why do I even want to be around him, why am I jealous that he wants to take him out of the house. Last summer he used to almost always come to the house to visit with him and that still screwed me up b/c it left me always thinking maybe things could work. So I cut that out alot, I wanted a committment and he hadnt changed.

So here we are facing another summer, he has a new girlfriend and im still a mess. He wants to come to the house but on his terms. I need more than that. I asked him what is it with her that she is better for him than me, he said what makes me think she's better. I asked him if he's happy, he said he's comfortable. When I talk about the "us" he clams up says he cant deal with his feelings for me now b/c he cant act on them. I know Im torturing myself but I have to somehow get it together. He said he learned from his experiences and wants to be faithful now. So what the hell is wrong with me that he doesnt want to be faithful to me. Why give that to her! How dare he.

I hung up on him / he hung up on me. I slept on it, decided that I somehow have to start accepting things for what they are. Him and I are "No More" and I dont want to keep the baby from him, that's not fair. So I called him this morning and told him he could pick him up. We got into it again a bit, things calmed down and he came.

But then he says he's sorry for everything and he gave me a hug and said maybe it's best if we just left things alone for us, the last part of our relationship was so bad and becoming violent (true). He seems to be so torn and tortured by our past history. I see a part of him that seems to want to come back but he fights it, why? Things before the betrayal were great, he was a good provider, loving, caring. The cheating destroyed us. Maybe im still holding on to the man I started with. But why cant I let go for good.

Then he called and said he wanted to come to the house tomorrow to see the baby in the morning and spend the morning at my house. OH MY GOD. HOW CAN WE KEEP GOING BACK AND FORTH LIKE THIS. Part of me wants him to come, it will be nice but then I know she will call and the hell will begin again. Can he really be so torn about his feelings or is he just completely using the situation. What do I do? Please help. All my progress before this is slipping fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 5:22pm

Hi hon....hugs.


First thing is if you won't allow him to see the baby around the OW ( plural ) then his only choice is seeing the baby at your house..... in his mind anyway.


You have to make the choice. You have to do what is best for the baby. You may not like the OW but there is nothing you can do about it. Having him over to your house for visits can confuse the baby too. You are better off letting the baby experience his life. It is safe to do so unless you have reason to beleive otherwise.


Take it from me, what is best for the baby is what you NEED to do. Your feelings don't matter, especially to him. Your going to run yourself ragged.


You have to give him an option that works for the baby. He is a parent too and keeping the baby away from the OW for the rest of your lives just won't fly in court and it will make you old and gray before your time.


Hugs to you, I know this is hard but you have to do what is right for the baby.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 8:10pm

OMG!
The only reason I could follow your story was because my life is a carbon copy of yours!

I was the same way, not wanting him to take the kids out (but my reason for that was because they were all I had...and him taking them killed me) not wanting the kids to be with the OW (plural). I went on and on that he only sees the kids 4 days a month, he sees his gf EVERYDAY! If she is any kind of woman, she will understand when you say your spending time with your kids, and you will call her later. She will understand you NEVER see them (or even call them) and you need your time with them. She is fighting for attention when she is with them. I don't know how or why...but eventually he stopped hanging out with the gf and the kids together. The kids get to enjoy him....and just him. Best of all..i'm not answering questions as to why SHE is always there.

Does your ex2b have a place of his own?? Even if he lives with his parents? Maybe you could tell him how horrible it makes you feel when he takes YOUR baby with him to all these other women's homes, but if he would spend time with your baby...or even all of his kids...without any ow around, it would be easier for you to hand your baby over for a while. I know it was easier for me....