Like Night & Day, how can he be like thi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Like Night & Day, how can he be like thi
7
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:09pm

I made a long earlier post today. Well before my lunch break my ex called me saying our son said two curse words, he's two. He does repeat words that he hears you say but some of them arent very clear. Well he says that the 2 words were as clear as a whistle and him and the "ow" were stunned. He claims he said 1 of the curses to one of the twins.

I went home for lunch called him back, he had left her house and we got into a big argument. If you read my earlier post you'll know what transpired prior to this. Well the argument escalated, his saying how broke he is, says the new girlfriend is helping him out and if it wasnt for her he wouldnt be able to survive.

See he lost his job, and is getting unemployment but apparently they are taking the full amount of the child support payments out of the unemployment check. I didnt know they would do this. I just wanted to ensure that our son be taking care of, he was always good with that when we were together but when I kicked him out for cheating he became furious, I wasnt sure if he would try to screw me over with the money situation. I've heard some horror stories. Whenever I would try to talk to him when we were together he would shut down if he didnt want to talk so I just wanted to eliminate any possible problems.

Then he started saying that I did this on purpose, all I care about is the money and if I could have did more to destroy him I would have and how the "ow" didnt involved the courts in determining how much money he give to support his two kids with her, she left it up to him to give her what he can so that says something about the kind of woman I am. Says I ruined his life.

How could he say that I ruined his life. Im struggling just like him. I have to pay $1000 rent, babysitter fee alone, food, clothes, laundry walk 8 blocks to and from the supermarket for groceries with the baby and can only get so much b/c I have to put it in the bottom of his stroller. Ive been paying $400 a month in transportation back and forth to get to the babysitter. As the baby gets a bit older and can walk further distance I will take the bus with him but its two buses , an hour ride and the bus stop is two long blocks away. What did he want me to do. When I found out about the cheating i was devastated, the foundation of trust was destroyed. How did I know I could count on him anymore. Im so hurt and just.... it's like he hates me. So I told him not to come over tomorrow and he said fine that he's not losing anything in not coming to the house he'll just pick up our son from my sister's who babysits him. How did he change to this from this morning.

This is the same man who this morning was telling me how sorry he was about everything and said he wanted to spend tomorrow morning with me and our son etc. Why does he keep going back and forth like this. All I ever done was love him and want to be with him. How can he be so evil?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:19pm

I don't think he's being evil. I think the two of you are communicating horribly and that is a causing a lot of drama. You are both making assumptions about the other and going back and forth between trying to work together and expressing your anger to one another. The best place to vent your anger is here, not to him. His best place to vent his anger is to someone else, not to you. This is something you both have to work on. When one of you says something inflamatory to the other (you say something about the gf or he says something about the cs) the other person needs to stop and listen to want the other person is saying. He needs to realize that when you are upset about the gf, you are really saying that you are hurting and this whole situation is hard to accept. When he says something about curse words and blames you, you should stop and recognize that he is as frustrated as you are and he's just not expressing himself very well. When he accuses you of something, just turn it around and say "I understand why you might feel this way, but I am struggling with money too, we are both barely surviving" or "just because the child said something does not mean he heard it from me."

I have not read the book, but I have seen it recommended called "Joint Custody with a Jerk" I'm guessing it would help you cut through the words he uses and get to the point (his frustration and whatever the real issue is), and also help you see where you might be making the same mistake (when your hurt comes out as anger directed at him).

I know this process is not easy. I think when both people are making assumptions that the other just is out to hurt them and 'why can't they understand my side' is when it gets out of control. I hope you can stop and try and make some improvments in your co-parenting relationship so it becomes less about fighting and more about working together.

Oh, and the reason he's like night and day is because he's going through a roller coaster of emotions. From you other post, it sounds like he might be feeling the same "her behavior like night and day sometimes, I never know what to expect" Would you agree?




Edited 5/13/2005 4:20 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:31pm

Im so dissapointed with everything. I thought we loved each so much, thought he felt for me the way i felt for him. And it's like he just threw me away as if there was something wrong with me. He moved on twice and Im still hurting over him. It's like he doesnt even care that our relationship ended how could he just walk away from 5+ years, our home, our son, our love. He blames me and says I kicked him out. Okay I did but I wanted it to be a wake up call for him make him realize what he had in front of him. I thought if he lost it for a while he would realize how special it was.

He acts like I committed a deadly sin. Im sure his ego must be hurt but what about how he hurt me. From the firt time he did it I have him a second chance and its like he didnt take it seriously so I thought I had to take more drastic measures. So I kicked him out. What was I supposed to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:40pm

I think you did the right thing. If he wasn't going to give you what you needed, then he did need to go. Everything you are feeling is completely normal.

Right now you both are feeling a lot of hurt and pain, just not necessarily for the same reasons. You both need time to heal and get over these feelings. I don't know if you are seeing a therapist, but that is the best way I know of to get through something like this. That is one issue you are both dealing with.

The second issue you are both facing is how to communicate and put the pain and hurt and confusion and misunderstandings aside so you can co-parent. It is possible to do that, but you need some information on how and that is where books come in very handy. You can benefit so much from what other parents before you have figured out. Your are fighting too much to make co-parenting possible right now, and I think it is causing you both more pain because you keep reminding each other how much this situation sucks and then throwing blame around to boot. You should not feel like you are in competition to prove you are hurting more than him or him proving that his pain/life is worse than yours. Both of you are on the emotional rollercoaster, both of you have valid feelings. But when it comes to co-parenting, you have to work towards putting that aside for now, and dealing with it through your support systems on not when talking to each other.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:45pm
I know you are right. I just feel that I should have been important enough, special enough, for him to be hurt over losing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:52pm

You are right, you should have been that special to him. You *are* special. Just because he doesn't feel that way (or isn't letting you know that he feels that way) does not mean you are not special or deserving enough. Without him, you do have the chance to find someone that will give you want you want, need and deserve. With him, it would have been a constant struggle to get him to see your POV and value you. You shouldn't have to convince your partner/spouse/bf to love you more. The right guy will feel that way and let you know it without prompting.

Even though the break up might have been the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier. It is sad. Let yourself be sad about it and grieve the loss that losing him brings for you. The mistake is getting him to acknowledge and validate your pain. He won't. He can't. Let us do that. Let other members of your support system do that. Don't look to him for it, it will only bring more disappointment.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 5:01pm

Thank you so much.

I just still love him so much and he's done all this to me, to us. How can you still love someone who hurt you so much. Sometimes I feel like Im so dumb or something and he knows he can use me when he wants and get away with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 5:27pm

He can be evil because your letting him. My X still plays that game and I fall for it EVERY time.


You have got to remind him what is best for the baby. That money goes to raising the baby... boohoo if he is poor, that is not your problem. I also LOVE the line about OW paying his way, I have heard this SO MANY times from my X.... OW chose her path and if she has to support him, that's what girlfriends do! Ugh! So what if OW pays the bills.... OW and XH chose to be in that position.


Ugh...these situations suck. lol.