Oh Please Tell Me What To Do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Oh Please Tell Me What To Do!!
2
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm still contemplating on telling my ex how I feel about him. I thought about writing it all in a letter, but I'm a little leary about it. What if he gives it to everyone else to read, which he quite possibly would. Then he would make me out to be some "loser ex wife." I know this may all sound immature, but I just don't know what to do.

I keep asking myself if all this pain and sadness would actually go away if he came back into my/our lives. Would I just be setting myself up for more heartache?

When I first met him we were basically on the same page. We were so very young and doing the same silly stuff that kids generally do. I was also going through a hard time, and looking for something, anything to take my mind off of past situations. He swooped in and was almost like a prince charming. We spent every single day together, until he had to go back to CA (he was on leave w/ the military). We flew back and forth to see each other, called each other every day; it was an exciting time, and it seemed like everything was on track.

Then, we got married, very fast, and I loved him whole heartedly. I couldn't imagine my life without this person. But time changes people, and so do babies! He went off on a six month tour of duty and I went to the army. We both came back at the same time, moved to CA (on base), I became pregnant, and he had to go off to Iraq. Everything with us happened so fast! But during this time, I grew up. It was no longer the two of us battling the world, it was the two us - almost three - and I became a responsible mother. He continued, even after he came home, to do the same things we were doing when we first met and I couldn't handle it. I believe that b/c of all of this, he turned to other women, b/c they were fun and string free, and I was looked at as a nag just dragging him down.

I think that things could've been handled very differently - I see that now. I also didn't believe that we would actually get divorced....I wanted him to fight for us, for me, for our daughter, and he just quit.

How can I walk away from someone I loved so deeply? How can I just stop wanting everything that I so desperately wanted with him? Why am I in this position? Why did I have to make all of these choices to begin with. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball...I wish I knew what the future held in store for me...when all of this mess would go away... Sometimes I feel like I'm just in a bad dream, and I will wake up and everything will be okay...but it's not.

I don't know if I'm truly still in love with him or just the idea of him. My mind seems to be in a constant mess, and I'm sorry to burden everyone with all my questions, stress, sadness, etc. I just don't know where else to turn, and I hurt so very badly. I just can't keep holding on to the hope that he's coming back, and I just need to know point blank if he feels anything, anything at all, for me, other than anger and hatred.

Do I love him or am I just holding on to the dream? Do I tell him or do I just continue to hold it all inside? I'm scared that he'll throw it back in my face. I'm scared of his reaction. I'm just plain ole scared and I can't stand it or handle this constant feeling of hurt anymore! My daughter is the only bright spot in my life, and I hurt for her as well. I just look at her sometimes and think, I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry mommy couldn't make it alright. I'm so sorry that daddy's not here...I'm sorry he didn't fight for us. Maybe none of this makes any sense at all...I don't know....but thanks for listening just the same.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 11:18pm
If you are worried about his having anything in writing, then i woudl say if you MUST tell him, TELL him, dont leave a paper trail!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 5:13pm

I still think you should keep it to yourself. He knows you still love him. If all those feelings are happening now, I can only imagine what you have shown him in the past.


Bottom line, he doesn't want to be there for a reason, right or wrong. Opening yourself up to him like that can backfire. It can cause a ton more hearache for your already hurting heart.


Hugs to you,


Angelena