alcoholics and divorce
Find a Conversation
alcoholics and divorce
| Sun, 05-15-2005 - 5:51pm |
Do any of you have experience divorcing an alcoholic? I'm stuck with an alcoholic cheating wife. We are trying to work things out, but I have to be prepared for what may and probably will happen. My parents talked to attorney and the attny gave little hope of me getting full custody. i have both sets of grandparents close by and are all on my side. i would want her to see them anytime as long as she wants. But, i would want the ability to keep her away if she goes to the "dark side" of life again.
i don't see how I can stay if it gets bad, yet how can I leave the kids behind in this mess?
i don't see how I can stay if it gets bad, yet how can I leave the kids behind in this mess?

The best thing you can do is start a documentation log (like a journal). I have heard it recommended to keep it in a spiral notebook, so the judge can see you did not add information at a later time, or go back and edit anything. You want dates, times and facts. No feelings or impressions, just facts. Things like noting if she is drinking around the children, if she drinks to excess and passes out. You also want to note the good days so you can show you are trying to provide a full picture of the homelife the children are exposed to when she is drinking and not drinking. Start the log now, and continue it even if you separate, through the divorce, and even after the divorce. It's just a little better than he said/she said in court, and sometimes that can make all the difference.
If you divorce, since you are a male, the odds are against you as you very well know. But you can start off demanding joint physical custody (you will almost surely get joint legal, but joint physical gives you more time with the children, and even if you don't get it, it is worth a try). You can request a GAL (guardian ad litem) be appointed to represent the children's interests in court. The GAL will scrutinize both you and your wife, and determine if the children are safe with both of you or not. If she is an active alcoholic, that may become apparent to the GAL. You have a better chance of getting joint physical than you do having sole physical, but if things go really badly with the GAL and the GAL feels your wife is not capable of caring for the children, you could change your request to sole custody at that time. The GAL might be able to interview the grandparents, and their opinion (especially her parents) can have more weight if it appears more 'unbiased' than yours. If you, her parents and your parents all stand up in court and say your wife has a serious drinking problem, I have to think the judge will take that seriously. The other reason to go for joint physical is it shows you are trying to work with her in the children's best interests, and that you want to stay an involved active father. If she resists that very strongly, it might make her look like she is trying to control the children and alienate them from you, and courts do not like that at all. The last reason to ask for joint physical is that she might just agree to it and save all of you the pain of a custody battle. One can always hope.
Finally, if all else fails you will still have rights. You can demand that the custody agreement say no drinking is permitted around the children. If she violates it, you can ask the judge to find her in contempt. You can insist that you be notified by the school of any problems and included in parent-teacher meetings. You can insist that the children receive counseling. If you stay as involved as the court permits you to, your children will know you love them and they can count on you no matter what happens. Depending on the children's ages, at some point the court will give them a say (not total control, but a voice in court) on which parent they life with.
With my first husband I bought a nice dayplanner with days big enough to write short notes on. It worked great. Every time we went to court and he would lie, I would simply say "I have documentation that proves otherwise." The judge could see my dayplanner on the table but never asked to actually read it, he just took me at my word. I have always "won" in court against my 1st ex-husband. I am currently separated and have bought myself another dayplanner just for documentation. It works great. I usually write something everyday. Even if it's something like "good day". I also write when I have to change things like visitation schedule so that it doesn't look like I'm just documenting negative stuff about stbx. I just write short stuff like "kids dad's" then i might write "on-time" or "late" which ever is needed. And I would write how late. My 1st husband was a drug addict so I kept detailed notes about that. You can get a dayplanner that has extra sheets of paper for notes and I would use that paper, date it, and put it with that month. I even went so far as to write him a letter and send a copy to the friend of the court about using drugs around our boys. Needless to say, he didn't use around boys after that. He knew that the court knew what a bad example he was setting, maybe that's why the judge never asked to read my dayplanner. I made sure everyone was in the loop. When it was necessary for me to mail him a letter I kept a copy for myself and sent a copy to our caseworker at the friend of the court. I would just like to add that not all judges feel that the children are better off with their mother, especially in situations like yours, so start documenting alcohol abuse as it will help you greatly in the future.
I am in this RIGHT as we speak. I just had me alcholic H removed with a restraining order in Feb & soon after i fild for D.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~