Should I go to a shelter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Should I go to a shelter?
4
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 6:37pm

I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I live in an abusive marriage. With the help of some on this board and my counselor, I'm starting to go away from the "it can't happen to me" mentality, that just because my stbx doesn't hit me or the kids, it doesn't mean he won't sometime in the future. He beats the dog, punches holes in walls and goes on rages. He's controlling and manipulative and I am terrified of him. The thing is, I have to live with him until June 11th, when my apartment will be ready. He's being so nice right now, but it's a control tactic. Today I'm hanging out at my dad's and he showed up and refused to leave, kept coming up with excuses why he needed to stay. When I told him he had to leave, and I said it with conviction this time, the icey look in his eyes sent shivers down my spine. My atty is filing on Monday, but he won't be served until I move out. Still, he could find the information online, and he is smart, so I know he'll think of it. I'm really scared of what he could do if he finds out, but there is still this voice (his voice - the conditioning I'm just learning that I'm a victim of) that tells me I'm overreacting. But my counselor told me it's better to overreact and be wrong and safe, then underreact and keep myself or the kids in danger. But I don't have anywhere to go. Even though I've explained to my dad how scared I am, he just tells me I'm overreacting and if I'm that scared I can get an order of protection. But a piece of paper isn't going to stop him if he really does want to hurt me. I'm so hurt that my family doesn't take me seriously. Stbx is a charmer, everyone loves him, and I'm finding out that it is typical of the abuser to manipulate the situation to seem to be the victim, the true victim to seem to be the abuser.

So, I really have nowhere to go. With the help of my counselor, I contacted a local woman's shelter and they have a bed for me and the kids. That's it, just a bed, next to women with battered faces and stories much worse than mine. I just keep thinking I don't belong there, that I'd be taking a space away from someone who really needs it. Plus, they require me to switch daycares for my kids, to keep them away from their dad and that's only going to enrage him. Plus, I need his money until the child support orders come through. And in order to get that, I have to play nice. If I can't tell him where I am, how can I get any money from him? And how will I pay for daycare and work if I don't have any money (I start my new job on Monday, so it'll be a few weeks before I get a paycheck).

Oh, I'm so confused. What should I do? I just wish my family were more supportive. I'm terrified for my safety and the safety of my kids, but I'm afraid to do anything for fear I am overreacting and will only make the situation worse. What kind of environment would a shelter be for my kids? I really, with all my heart, can't imagine stbx hitting the kids. I was sure he was going to hit me a few days ago, but he didn't. I almost hope he would have, then I wouldn't be so wishy washy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:46pm

If you are that scared, get out now before it becomes THAT bad. Something must be wrong in order for you to think and feel the way you do.


Hugs to you and good luck.... please keep us posted.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:01pm

I know it's not easy..... but if they have the space for you and the kids.... GO!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:25pm

Babe, you've said you're scared. Those gut reactions are powerful and wise. Will anything happen if you stay a few more weeks? Maybe, maybe not. You don't want to find out the hard way. That woman with the battered face, if she's there, will probably feel her heart lightened by the knowledge that someone else got out before it came to that.

Your other option, if you feel it will work, is to seek a restraining order that requires him to leave the house until you're ready to vacate. If that feels better, talk to the shelter about it. Above all, don't ignore your fear.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 8:13am

flutterbee - i would like to start by sending you huge hugs and prayers! it is very very difficult to acknowledge that we are in an abusive relationship, and its very hard to move out of it. there are ALWAYS excuses and reasons why NOT to leave.


you need to come to terms with the fact that your family is as supportive as they are going to be. don't waste your energy on thinking WHY. just accept that you need to do this ON YOUR OWN.