STBX very bitter, nasty (long vent)
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| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:12pm |
STBX is probably moving out this week (I hope!). He's been busy getting his accomodations in order-- flooring, water , getting a bed, etc. The apartment is over a garage at the business that we own, so since rent there is zero, it won't make too much of a dent in our bank account.
Also ran into my attorney this week at the PO, and she said that she was going to serve STBX with divorce papers this week or next.
I'd like to add that for the past 6 years (that's when symptoms started), I've suffered from adrenal exhaustion (aka chronic fatigue), and for the past 4 years, I've been in treatment for this condition. I though I'd had it just about licked last year-- physically I didn't overdo it, took my supplements, did testing as needed, etc. In fact, I was off my feet for a good 6 weeks last summer, after surgery for a cut tendon in my toe. Notice I said, "Physically". I didn't realize when a HUGE effect STBX's alcoholism was taking on me. Older DS and I had confronted his dad (STBX) about the alcoholism, and STBX and I were in couples therapy for a couple of months late last summer. When the therapy got a little too close for STBX's comfort, he bailed. The counselor said that she felt that booze was THE issue, and she wasn't trained in substance abuse, but would refer us to another counselor who dealt with that. Naturally, STBX couldn't accept that his drinking was a problem, and refused to go at all.
Anyway, even though STBX didn't go all out and get bombed every night (I almost wished he WOULD have, as he's more pleasant when drunk, and then would at least pass out), he'd have a couple of beers. For him, a couple of beers means for us: belittling behavior "You guys are a burden", "We're a one income family of four, you guys don't earn anything" (older DS works after school, and in the summer; and I work from home-- have done this for many years; worked summers for a few years for my aunt in her business, AND had a part-time job last fall); picking fights over anything; having drama queen meltdowns that I'd have to calm the kids down afterwards; constant micromanaging our lives, and telling us how terrible we are, and that he does all the work around the house... after months and months of hearing this night after night, I collapsed from exhaustion. I got a cold last NOvember, and it lasted a month. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so whipped. I'm still trying to rebuild my system, and have to be careful about how I expend my energies. My immune system has been trashed, and I hope I don't have permanent damage due to this. I attribute the adrenal exhaustion to the stress from the alcoholism. My doctor is in agreement with this as well. I recently had my adrenals tested, and while they're better than they were last November, they are a LONG way from being healed. According to my doc, I may have another year of recuperation before I'm in the clear, health-wise. Of course the stress from separating doesn't help, and the doc said that it might "tip the canoe" in a very bad way unless I eliminate as much stress as possible.
Today we had a blowup. Our son was invited to a friend's birthday party. The party venue was about 40 miles from us, and 9 y/o son had to be there at 4. So, DS & I left here around 3:15 to get there in time. The party was to be over at 6. I dropped him off at the venue at 4, and called STBX from the parking lot. I was pretty tired, and just wanted to go home, and relax, and rejuvenate. I had a few options:
1. stay at the venue and wait inside (not a good idea, too many people milling about, VERY loud-- it's a sports center) until 6 when the party was over
2. stay in the car and wait until 6.
3. drive 45 minutes home, hang out at home for 20 minutes, then drive back.
4. Go home, and have STBX pick up DS. Sounds fair to me.
I told STBX that I was tired, and needed to get home, and could he pick up DS at 6. He got mad, said, "You're tired? You and 6 billion other people", and "You just want everyone to do everything for you!" He REFUSED to pick up DS and made other comments about my health issues. I said, "You know why I have this condition? Gee, living with an alcoholic for 18 years is kinda stressful, you know." I also told him to f-off, and hung up on him. I know it was childish of me, and he sucked me into his kinipshin fit. He just likes to indulge in character assassination, like the rest of his family. I can't believe what he says-- did he live in a different house than me when we were married??
Sure, I ask my older son (he's 18) to carry up the laundry from the cellar, or to carry it out to the clothesline (I also have a fracture in my lower back-- the chiro says NO carrying heavy things-- it'll blow out my back)... what's wrong with the kids helping their mother by doing chores? I helped my mother. I'll ask DSs to unload dishwasher, or set the table/clear the table, is that unreasonable? I don't think it is at all. I mean, before the adrenal fatigue, in 1999, I painted my house (interior) 5 times. I got by on 5 hours sleep for years, existing on coffee and cigarettes, travelled 60 miles to Cape Cod every weekend from April to November for 4 years to work for my aunt (with a baby, then a demanding toddler), worked from home for myself, and helped STBX with his/our businesses, and all the chores at home. I'm more likely to just do it myself, and tire myself out than ask someone to help me, but with this condition (and the back issues too), I've learned that it's ok to ask for help.
Phew! Anyone have any advice? I'm going to my counselor's tomorrow (thank goodness!!!!), so I'm sure she'll have some ideas, but I'm open to anything.
Susie

You have every right to be upset. Your ex is not going to make life easy for you. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Next time there is a party can you car pool? Drop your son & his friend off and get the other Mom to pick up? You are going to have to do a lot of this from now on I'm guessing. I can never rely on my DH and rely on other Moms a lot - we do each other favours. As for your kids helping out - if they dont help you - dont help them. You dont have to do their washing, make their dinner, drive them from A to B. Next time they want a lift somewhere refuse. If they can refuse to help you well ditto! I bet it works. Keep your chin up.
Cheers
Hi Kooka,
Thanks for the kind words and advice. STBX is being a major tool, but he's in so much denial about his contribution to the failed marriage that I'm sure it takes a lot of energy to keep his head in the ground. I know that he blames me-- makes comments about me having my "boyfriends" come over the house after he's gone, etc. He's a classic passive-aggressive personality, anyway. He (and the rest of his family, as well) also feels that he doesn't have to answer to anyone, and makes no apologies for his bad behavior. Unless called to the carpet on it, of course.
My 18 y/o DS has been driving, and has had his own car since he was 16, so I don't know if refusing to drive him anywhere will work on him. ;-) BUT I have refused to wash his clothes if he doesn't help with the laundry basket. I told the boys that we can sit down and come up with a "chore list", not just what THEIR responsibilities are, but MINE, too. I think after their father is out of the house, tings might settle down, and we can all exhale a bit. It's so tense here when STBX is home, and has been for a LOOONG time.
Good idea about the carpool... although some of the moms in my town are kinda... odd about that stuff, especially the new yuppies in town. I'll just have to make sure if STBX is involoved in the transportation of DS anywhere, that I have it in writing, so something. I'm almost at the point where I refer him to my lawyer if he wants to talk to me!
Take care,
Susie
You know what, I completely understand what you mean about your husband affecting your health. When you are surrounded by negativity, it does take its toll. Although, I am not yet divorced from my STBX, the things he says to me sometimes keep me up half the night. And you sound like you are a pretty busy woman, are you not allowed to expect your family to work as a team?
Take this man off of your back and lift this burden that he has had on you and your health for all of these years. You will hopefully regain some of your peace of mind, and some of the things you are going thru will 'magically' disappear. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that with your STBX living above a business that you both own, he will nonetheless cease to be the thorn in your side that he has been all these years. Good luck.
Hello smileylove!
Thanks for your reply to my post. Yeah, I guess STBX is emotionally abusive... he is from an alcoholic, abusive family/background, and they're all nuts. DSs and I have a restraining order against BIL (STBX's brother) for threats made when he was drinking. Myself, I am not from an alcoholic background. Neither of my parents drink, except very rarely, socially. So all these issues with STBX-- I just won't live like this anymore. He makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by trying to address the booze issues, and standing up for myself. My MIL is a classic enabler, and prefers to just suffer in silence, whether it is the alcoholism running rampant in her family (her daughter nearly died from alcohol-realted health issues 4 years ago, and her sons both are alcoholics. She says BIL has an "allergy" to booze, that;s why he acts crazy and threatens people when he drinks. Gee, I thought if you had an allergy, you avoided that substance, like bees or nuts), or a health problem that she ignores, until it is a serious issue.
I'm just so exhausted today, bear with me if I'm rambling on like a blithering idiot! (Bedtime within the hour!)I'll check out the abuse board very soon. I know from reading a book about toxic families/inlaws, and from my counselor, that STBX has no boundaries in his life. Until recently, he never set boundaries with his family members, which caused all sorts of problems in our family. His family of origin also lives without boundaries, and has abused us (including my side of the family!!) in the past with their drunken phone calls, etc. I am so finished with them and their crazy ways. I really feel that my boys and I need to decompress. It feels so much like we've been holding our breath (maybe it's just me?), waiting for the other shoe to drop around here. If the stress is this bad for me, I can't imagine how bad it is for them. When STBX isn't home, there's so much less tension, but when he's home, we're on eggshells. I remember talking to a dear friends of mine about the stress level around here last fall, and he said to me, "Stop it! You're shaking!" Evidently, my entire body was trembling, and I didn't even realize it!
Well, I'm off to relax with my knitting for a while. Thanks for the kind words, I do appreciate them!
Susie