I've survived the divorce, but..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
I've survived the divorce, but..........
6
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:12am

I've survived the divorce (May 4th)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:06am

Hi Mel, hugs to you....


I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. Custody is never easy especially when it seems to just go on and on and on, when the inevitable is happening ( you will get them, no worries there )


I wish I had more advice on this one, just stick to your guns and go through the motions. It is tiring but it will be worth it in the end.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:01pm

Unfortunately, I am in a somewhat similar predicament.

As far as the judge recusing GAL, even though it's obvious to you it's a manipulation and is inappropriate, in my experience, I have discovered I need to be prepared for "anything" to happen in court. Here in TX, family law judges have huge power. I'd suggest that you be prepared for either outcome. In custody cases, "anything CAN and DOES happen", even though to the participants in the know, so to speak, it is glaringly wrong!

For some reason, our judge didn't appoint a GAL, but I have been through a court-ordered custody evaluation, in which my EX manipulated the psychologist into believing that I am as guilty of PAS as he is! Our custody evaluation came back that no change should occur (joint physical now) and everybody should go into therapy. Yes, my daughers are angry with their father, but it is due to his bad behavior, not my comments about him. Try proving a negative!

Just be calm and prepared when you go for your psych. evaluation...make notes beforehand of the ways your ex manipulates. If he is as successful at control/manipulation as my ex, it will be hard to prove to a psychologist. My ex was an award winning debater in school! My marriage failed in huge part due to his verbal and emotional abuse, but proving that to someone who hasn't observed it is difficult. Psychologists tend to see the abused wife as "playing the victim" and so angry that she will never be able to effectively co-parent and the wife feels abused all over again. There is some interesting information written about this by Dr. Sam Vaknin--I don't remember the website right now, but I'll bet if you search for his name it will come up--article is titled "Conning the System".

Right now I'm just hoping my attorney can tear apart the custody evaluator's opinion in court. My custody case goes to jury trial in Sept. Let's pray for each other.

It may sound very cynical, but I suggest it might be a mistake to think that anyone in a divorce behaves in "good faith", I know I have made the mistake of trusting professionals and been burned. Be very cautious.

I like your title, I feel the same way. I've survived the divorce, but will I survive the custody battle?

You have my sympathy as someone who has BTDT.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:28pm

...just a PS to my previous post to any reader who may be in the throes of current abuse...

In hindsight, I wish to GOD I had audiotapes of certain abusive conversations and photos of bruises. I was too shocked and ashamed to go to the cops, but filed for divorce shortly after the second episode.

My cautionary words, verbally abusive husbands DO have the capability of physical violence. And they will blame YOU for MAKING them do it!!!!! Additionally, do all you can for proof BEFORE you leave! I wish I had!

Cupcake's not in a good mood today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:32pm

Cupcake, my heart goes out to you. I used to wish my verbally abusive X would beat me, so I would have physical evidence to prove that he was abusive.

I never thought of taping him, but that's a great idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:30pm
I totally agree! My STBX was always extremely verbally abusive, then he did become physical a few times. I finally DID get some really scary verbal abuse on tape, that directly involved our dd. My atty has the tape. I havent had to use it yet, the GAL beleived me, but its there if & when i need it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:30pm
Mel, just stay the course, be honest, be you. & we are praying for you & for THEM to SEE!

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