I may have made a colossial error tonigh
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:43pm |
But it was a calculated risk. Ok for those who don't know the story, I posted this to Wild and Deb and I'll paste it here. If, by chance, you've already read the history, skip it.
It's only really been this week that I lost all hope that there was even a small chance that he really loved me still. Oh he likes me ok, but he doesn't love me, and I can't live with that. I still love him so that's the hard part. Naturally this has been deteriorating for a while but recently I told him I was upset because I didn't get anything (not even a card) for Christmas, my birthday, mother's day, no holiday at all for the past 2 years. We had a small discussion and I said to him "So what you're telling me is that you don't have 5 minutes a few times a year to even buy me a card? I'm not worth 5 minutes of your effort?" he looked me strait in the eye and simply said "no". He said he was putting everything into his new business and had nothing left over for me. He's in the processes of building a new plant worth millions dollars. How ironic is this. We've scraped for money for so long, had nothing, and just when it looks like he's going to do something really really big, he lays this on me. You know, I would understand that comment about not having time for me right now with the undertaking of this new plant and all, but this has been going on well before plans for the new plant were underway. He's always too busy with work, never any time for me or the kids. Once upon a time he used to come home before the kids went to bed and play "Monster" with them and chase them around the house. It's lonely. It's sad. And it's very very depressing to know you're worth so little. Two evenings ago around 9:30 at night, he laid this one on me. "Hypothetically.............(long pause)..........If I paid off the house. Free and clear. Then gave you a salery of $$$$$$ so you could stay at home with the kids. Would you be more interested in living in this house with someone else?" He wasn't angry. He doesn't think I'm seeing someone else. He knows I'm not the cheating type. I told him basically that I wasn't having this conversation with him at 9:30 at night. Then I couldn't help asking "so, are you not happy with me?" He didn't answer for a minute then just sort of said softly "You take good care of me." Now what kind of answer was that???? Not a 'no', not an 'I love you'. Just a 'you take good care of me.' Anyway, I know it's horrible but I am ticked off. I have spent 8 years with the man taking care of him. He taught me to look to the bigger picture and the future and if that's the case, than fine! I figure if I stay with him for even another year and the plant goes through, I can get a heck of a lot more out of him. I have been through my house being reposessed, my car and basically living off nothing. And through it all I've stuck by him. I gave him a second chance, and I DO take good care of him, so I figure it's about time for me to get a bit selfish. I figure he's been doing it for years! But it's depressing to know that you're not loved anymore. I'm not even being replaced for another woman, but for a job. I'm not worth a 5 minute trip to Hallmark on major holidays. So I'd say I have it better than most. I won't be going through a nasty divorce. Aparently I'm not worth it.
Anyway, my MIL has always been VERY supportive of me, and I felt it was wrong to just blindside her, so I basically spilled the beans to her tonight. Last time the husband and I went through the process of divorce, my MIL called my FIL (yep, they are divorced themselves) ranting about how her son was being a SOB (basically) As you can imagine that didn't go over real well. So (and here's the calculated risk part) I specifically told her I did NOT want her to talk to my FIL about this as he doesn't even know a thing about it yet and since my husband and I haven't even officially discussed divorce I don't really want this getting back to him. So if she can keep it to herself, I'm ok. If not, it will complicate things a lot for me. I hope I did the right thing, but like I said, she's always been VERY VERY supportive of me and not at all happy with how her son is treating me, so I didn't want to blindside her by suddenly announcing that we were getting divorced when she thought all was peachy keen. I made sure I told her that we have NOT openly discussed divorce yet, and that I was only trying to give her a heads up as to what was going on. She watches my kids for me when I need a sitter and is very active in my kids lives. I really hope I did the right thing. I really hope this doesn't backfire in my face.

Did you make the wrong decision? Maybe. But you felt close enough to his mom to trust her with this piece of news. Hopefully, she will keep it to herself. If she doesn't, trust that it is just meant to be.
I wish you lots of luck. I am teaching myself not to depend on men for my self-worth- if I do it will go down the drain. Actually, I've found that women can give you a much more accurate description of you. My friends think I am beautiful, smart, considerate, etc. I will hopefully one day find a man that will live up to that description of me. Until then, I will not hold my breath. You have incredible worth. Regardless of the fact that your husband chooses not to see that in his narrow vision.
He cannot force you to divorce him. And if you are not suffering terribly you owe it to yourself to stay with him so that you can take part in his business venture. If he happens to find out that you spoke to his mom, tell him you were just feeling sad. My STBX is also now planning on opening a business. At this point, I sincerely don't even think I want a part of it or him, but that's my choice. How can this backfire in your face? Can he make you divorce him? No.
If my STBX did not get me a card on momentous occasions, he would be sorry. I told him, you need to do this for the kids. They love the excitement of going to the store and buying mommy (or daddy) a present and a card. It is for the education of the children. So, do not back down on this. Even if you have to buy yourself a card and tell your husband to give it to you in front of the kids, then do it. This is, of course in my opinion.
Whatever may happen, may you have all the luck in the world.
First of all, thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear them from someone, since they sure as heck aren't coming from the husband. I happen to agree with you. He shouldn't be a measure of my self-worth. As for my MIL, it can't be undone now, so I guess I'll just hope she can make my life easier and keep it to herself.
By the way, are you sure he can't force me to divorce him? I thought it only took one person to innitiate it. Is this true in all states? Not that I want to stay married to him forever if this is how I get treated (or not treated at all as the case may be), but it may be benificial to me to stay married for at least a short time longer.
It's hard to say what your MIL will do, but she is a friend to you and she will hopefully stand by you. It sounds like you need her support and she's glad to provide that, that is unlikely to change no matter what happens.
You should at least go see an attorney for a one time consultation. An attorney might be able to give you a sense of how the outcome of divorce might differ if you leave now vs. stay another year. An attorney can also tell you what it takes to contest a divorce. In most states there is a way to prolong the process if one person does not want the divorce, but in most states you can't stop it altogether (it may be possible, but ask an attorney). The other thing to consider is that a contested divorce can prolong the pain and cost you a boat load of money. Two people sitting down and working it out between themselves on 'how' to divorce (how to split things up, what will happen afterward with money and custody) is much easier and a lot less stressful (you still need attorneys to make sure your legal rights are protected, but it is not always necessary or beneficial to hire someone to fight the whole thing on your behalf).
If I were you, it's hard to say what I would do. But staying a little while longer isn't a bad idea if you are unsure of what might happen. I wouldn't (couldn't) stay forever with someone who treated me that way. ((((HUGS))))
Has she spilled the beans.... or is all well?
I think it was OK to tell her.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~