TBX joined father's rights organization

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
TBX joined father's rights organization
3
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:57pm

Hi all,

I'm new to this message board. My TBX and I separated 1 year ago -- he moved out and rented an apt. in our town. Our dds (aged 2 and 5) spend 1 overnight midweek and every other weekend with him. We paid for direct childcare expenses (daycare, etc) or at least the ones he would agree to, out of a joint savings account. I pay all expenses on our house. Prior to our separation he had NO interest in the children, and did nothing with them. Since our separation he has become a much better and more interested father. (Of course, he blames his previous attitude on me -- it was my fault he never took them to a playground.)

While I was away on a business trip in March he filed for divorce. He subsequently has wanted 50/50 joint custody. At our temporary hearing in early May, the judge turned him down, kept the status quo visitation arrangement, and ordered him to pay child support according to our state's guidelines.

I have come to find out that in these past few months he has joined a very well organized (and funded) father's rights organization in our state. He attends weekly support meetings.

My feeling is that his involvement has poisoned what used to be a pretty amicable relationship. Now everything is conducted through our attorneys and he is openly hostile to me. I keep wishing there was a way I could say to him, "Don't you want to be hanging around people who have really good relationships with their ex-spouses and learning about that?" --

Our children are very young, and we have many years of co-parenting ahead of us. I'm worried about his involvement, and whether this is going to become a cause of his that never dies (and perhaps in funded by this group!). We have a pre-trial conference slated for late July.

Anyone else's TBX become involved in one of these groups?

Thanks.

bambola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:54pm
Although I have not experienced this, I have heard other women's stories. I would suggest that you talk to your attorney about his, probably both of you, taking parenting classes and/or attending sessions with a counselor to learn to work together better. It does not sound promising for his getting full custody, for sure. Every state is so different in how joint custody is decided, it's hard to make a call on that. Some states, joint custody is the first option unless one parent is found to be unfit. Some states, joint custody can not be granted at all unless both parties are in agreement. Other states lay somewhere in the middle. I wish you the best.

Steph


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away. - Author unknown


The 2004 IDEA, special education law, goes into effect on July 1, 2005. Do you know how and if this will affect your child?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:40pm

It is true that fathers get the short end of the stick when it comes to custody. In my state and most other states, fathers only get every other weekend unless the mother agrees to something more, it's all up to her and she has all the control. Even though he wasn't as involved as you thought he should be before the divorce, if he wants to be more involved now it could be to the children's benefit, right?

I do agree that working together is better. But if your idea is that he agrees with whatever you want, then that isn't really working together. Co-parenting isn't about the CP getting his/her way. I know that 50/50 doesn't work in all situations, and neither does EOW. It's really hard when the two parents cannot agree on what is best, and you are very right that talking through attorney's isn't a good way to come to an agreement as a parenting team. How much have you discussed the possibility of other custody arrangements? Is it possible he feels you are not hearing his side of things? Does he know what your objections to 50/50 are, and what is his response?

I wish I could find a group like that for my x-bf. He was rail-roaded in court, he was a SAHD and ended up with EOW, and tried to make the best of that even though it killed him to see his son so little. Then she moved away and after a 2 year custody fight, was allowed to go becuase her living in a bigger house and her new husband not having to travel for work so much was more important than my x-bf being involved in his own son's life as he grows up. They gave him a visitation agreement that he can't afford to comply with (he has to pay all expenses, fly there, rent a car, rent a hotel) and so he went from EOW to going months and months without seeing his son. He can't get back into court because he used up all his savings (and friends and family member's savings) to fight to keep his son here. If he could find a group to help fund his legal battle, he would get a chance at having a more fair visitation arrangement.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 8:38pm

I agree working together is important, and I agree with the previous poster, that his doing what you want, isn't working together. I also agree that in North America, the courts don't treat fathers fairly.

During my divorce, the best advice my ex and I got is, the only fair compromise is one where NEITHER person walks away completely satisfied. Not a lot of fun, but then neither is divorce.

I'm sorry you are both going through this. One thing I do believe, is that even if you feel he is being hostile, you can turn the situation around by not being hostile back at him. Just let your lawyer handle it, don't raise arguments except when you need to.