Divorced and It's working

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Divorced and It's working
4
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:06am
I would like to hear from anyone who is divorced and has a great relationship with the ex and kids after the fact.
Can this work? Is anyone's ex still welcome in the home? Does anyone meet their ex and sit with them at kids events? I would like to hear any positive things re after the fact. It has to be hard when Daddy goes home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:22pm

my ex left me last summer. the marriage had been over for a couple of years though. it was still hard. (12 years) he has a girlfriend now too and they are serious. so, we own the house together and he maintains it. he sees the kids after school on wednesdays so he usually comes a few hours early and works in or around the house. it's good for the kids to have him at their own place too. we have attended school concerts together and some sporting events together. i have not met the girlfriend and don't want to. we get along when it involves the kids and the house pretty much --- that was after a rough patch of about four months -- and it WAS rough. i'm pretty sure this gf was in his life before the marriage ended. things have settled down now and the kids have grown accustomed to this new life. he was here christmas morning and we share dinner and presents at birthdays -- so far so good. i'm expecting that eventually the gf will want to be a part of these activites and i don't want that and neither do the kids. they have met her and have been out with her a few times and they do like her, which certainly makes things easier on them. however, on birthdays, the kids want just their parents to give them their gifts, etc. our home life has vastly improved -- the tension and stress of living with someone so high strung and manic is gone and that's healthy for us. so, at this point, 10 months down the road, i would say things are better than i expected. there will be a few more firsts -- like involving the girlfriend, but i don't expect that to happen soon because i don't want it to and he knows that. we've had no custody issues. the kids are with me and he can see them just by letting me know beforehand. (he sees them for a total of maybe 4 hours a week, which is unfortunate. but their time together is far better than what it was before the marriage ended. his entire focus is them when he's with them; he's a workaholic and never really focussed on them before.)

hope this helps you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 3:26pm

My stbx andI have been separated since Spetmeber/October and at this point we have a pretty good working relationship. When we are still living together and there was a lot of tension, I could never have imagined beingable to work together for our daughter. even up until a few weeks ago I couldn't have imagined it. PArt of that was my problem. I was so wrapped up in him and the OW I couldn't see straight. I finally made the decision to just stay focused on our daughter and not worry about what he does in his spare time. Once I let that go, I have found that it is very easy to work with him on parenting issues. I can see us sitting together later on at school functions etc. We are both very clear on the type of education we want for our dd so I know that we will be able to work together on school stuff. I do believe it will get easier as time goes by.

I had very good role models for this. My parents divorced when I was 7 or 8 and they were very good about being together at school functions and choir things. I have a half sister from my mom's second marriage and she calls my dad's parents grandma and grandpa. All of my dad's family came to her graduation party. I realize that this is an extreme example of how divorced parents can get along, but I am so thankful my parents didn't let their issues get in the way of my childhood and my family. I know that my little sister's life has been enriched by having this large circle of "family" around her. I know it can work.

My stbx and I have been very clear that we both want to be involved in our daughter's life as much as we can. I know that if he does end up with OW this will be very difficult for me, but my focus will have to stay on my daughter. Divorce should suck for the adults not for the kids. I guess that is just my opinion, but I would prefer that my daughter not feel the effects of our divorce as much as we do.

neverdull

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:18am

I think it depends on people's attitudes.

My ex and I did not have children, only property to divide. We had a quite amicable divorce, and our families are still friendly, but we really don't seek out each other's company in order to maintain any sort of personal friendship.

My husband has had a more difficult time working out a system with his ex. When there is a child or children are involved, it seems to change the entire dynamic. Both parents have to be very clear on who bears responsibility for what expense, etc., or there re miscommunications which lead to conflict. Furthermore, if one or both people have not worked through their feelings about the end of their own relationship, they might feel inappropriate guilt or anger about the situation, which affects their ability to deal with each other for the good of the child. I've seen this with my husband. They apparently had about one or two years when they were hostile (based on what he has told me of his own experience). Time and distance seem to have reduced their emotional ties to the marriage, and it probably has helped them to cooperate better. Let's hope so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:31pm

Hi.... I think my situation works very well.... but it takes a lot of work to make that happen... and maintain it, but it's worth it.


The big thing is that you and your EX have to be positive and upbeat about every single aspect of the divorce, visits, etc.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~