Confused
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:09pm |
Hello,
I am new to this board. I am in the process of divorce and going through alot. I work alot and can't really afford not to. I don't have time for fun & going out. Maybe once or twice a week. But I can't motivate myself to do anything. I have been separated for a while, but my ex & I still do things together. It's like we are separated, but still hang out. He's hopeful, I don't have any romantic feelings for him, but I do care for him. We have a child together. So, alot of talking back & forth for her. The problem is we don't get along. We separated because I was miserable, we argued all of the time, he was emotionally abusive. He still is every now & then. I don't have any friends,recently started going to counseling. But, still, when I am alone, I am alone. I know that it is not in my best interest to be his friend. I am pretty sure that I don't want to get back together with him. We are not intimate. If he does come over, he leaves at night. But we do go to dinner, and movies. It's like I am very lonely and still leaning to him for company. He's angry, because I don't want anything anymore. I have feelings for someone else, who hasn't reciprocated them, that's a loss cause. I am trying to get my life back. Today, I talked to an attorney, about our divorce, because my ex is not paying any child support. I've agreed to proceed with the divorce. My ex thinks I am playing or something (which I am not surprised at, because of our dysfunctional relationship). But, when he suggested that I go in and get everything started, drawing up initial papers, I was hit with is this really the end. My counselor thinks that I am doing the right thing due to our history, his very painful affairs. I feel that if he had someone else in his life, he'd drop me, but he's holding on, cuz' he's lonely too. My family is pretty unreliable, so I have no one, except my counselor. She recommended that I get out & do somethings this weekend alone. I don't know if I can, I have been emotionally damaged, and everything intimidates me. I feel that if I get back with him, I will never be happy, and our child won't either. But if I really cut the strings, I don't feel that I will make it, but I know I will. Confusing, my emotions are working. Any of you girls ever go through this when divorcing, become very unsure, when it came down to it. Granted, my husband has made some attempts to be intimate, and I feel nothing, no attraction, no lusting, nothing. I am not dating anyone, nor can I say that this is about someone else, I have feelings for someone else, but I realize that this is not the time to pursue this. I need to get myself to a point that I can stand alone. I hate the weekends, it will be hard. Help! I live in a city, not where I grew up,no friends here, and when my husband & I were together, we were each other's lives. So, nothing outside of him. I want something for me, a life, where I have something outside of anyone else. Any advice, help!!!
Mysterious32

Hello... and Welcome!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
It is hard, especially when you don't have family or friends. I was dating someone (since during my separation) and that took up some of my time and kept me from truly being alone all the time, but still I did try some new things. I go to the library fairly regularly and I go to the gym when my dd is with her dad.
You don't have to change things overnight, but you do need to set boundaries with your STBX sooner rather than later. It's not fair to let him think that you might reconcile, and even ex's that get along great do not go to movies together. Cut out dating with him and find one thing you can do just for you. Finding a non profit organization that needs a volunteer is a good start, going to the library is good too. You can do it taking baby steps. One thing at a time. Once you have done that, maybe after a few weeks, then cut out spending time together at your home, and find one other new thing to do. If you are going forward with the divorce, then you have to let go of him as a companion.
I have a hard time too without any family or friends, and now my bf and I broke up so I have more time alone. I got a pair of kitties to keep me company and so it won't be so quiet around here when dd's with her dad.