Qstn on ending contact with Ex

Avatar for somewhereintx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Qstn on ending contact with Ex
8
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:09am

Hi everyone. I used to be on these boards when I was going through the divorce process, but now just lurk. I have a question that I was hoping to get advice on. Ex lives in Maryland, and DD (6 next week) and me live in Texas. Ex and DD have scheduled calls that are 3 times a week, and she also calls him in between if she wants to. These calls are not in court orders anywhere. Ex and I do not get along at all and I rarely speak to him. I have full custody.

Ex calls and bashes me constantly on the phone with DD and many times I hear her defending me. He accuses me of things like breaking her arm (she fell off the bed while jumping on it), running around with strange men (I haven't had a date in three years), and other things. He tells her that I lied to him the entire marriage so I lie to her too. If we aren't at home and he calls at a non-scheduled time, he leaves her voicemails that this is what I wanted, to keep them apart, and I always get what I want. These voicemails are addressed as if he is leaving them for her. Of course I get them, but in a year or so DD may be picking up messages on her own.

The latest is that he is not coming for his yearly visit. He's only allowed supervised visits with her per a court order. When he said that he wasn't coming the reason was that it wasn't worth the expense to only see her for 4 hours each evening for the week. He's now telling her that I am the one preventing him from seeing her. I've already talked to her about it and I think she understands that's not the case. I've got pages and pages of documentation on all his phone calls, voice messages, etc. I've recorded and transcribed the messages he's left to even capture the tone of his intent. These are not friendly, light messages. Talking to him about not doing this hasn't worked.

Is it worth it to see a lawyer on this? I'm not even sure what possible outcomes of going back to court would be. Since he won't stop this behavior, could I legally prevent these calls? Should we just not answer the phone when he calls since they aren't court ordered? I don't know what to do anymore, but this is not fair to DD to have this happening. She's in counseling to deal with it. It's helping, but she's supposed to tell him "This is a big people problem that I can't help with" and then hand me the phone to end the call. That's a lot to ask a 6 year old to tell a parent who's angry.

Any advice and getting this to stop. Is court the only option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:32am
I think court is the best option. Stopping the calls is only going to infuriate him more and then when he takes you to court (since they were a routine, even though not CO) it will look like you are interfering (although your evidence will fully support your reasons, it's better not to be on the defensive). Is your CO in texas, or would you have to fight this in Maryland? If I were you, I would at least talk to an attorney, bring your documentation and find out how much money it would take to file that he his engaging in PAS (parental alienation syndrome) and he either stops immediately or you want the calls to stop. It may be that a letter from an attorney will be a good compromise too, that way you are giving him notice that his phone calls are PAS and harmful to your dd, and he either stops or he loses that method of contact. Would it help if he knew they were being recorded? Is it legal to record phone calls in your state (I see you just recorded the voicemails, but they are already recorded so that must be legal). Would he still say those things if he knew they could be played again for a judge? I am not sure what the solution is, but definitely talk to an attorney. You are right, that is too much to ask of a 6 year old. What a creep!

Photobucket

Avatar for somewhereintx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 11:14am

Well, I have many recorded voicemails since he is aware of being recorded while leaving those messages. Those are admissable in court. I've documented in writing the conversations that we've had as specifically as possible. Such as Ex said quote blah blah, and I replied quote blah blah. I note the date, time, circumstances, and length of calls. I'm hoping the documentation combined with enough recorded stuff will be believable to someone outside the situation.

The CO is in MD, but I'm told that since DD has lived in TX for almost three years now we can petition to have the case moved here. That way, Ex would have to come here to fight it in court. Him coming here is highly unlikely, so if the case is heard here we would probably win. It's just an expense that I really can't tackle right now unless absolutely the only option. I'm still trying to recover from the $20k divorce.

I think I'll call a few lawyers on Tuesday to try to set up consultations. I truly don't think Ex realizes he's doing anything wrong. He's so caught up in his own hurt and blaming everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 11:26am

Hey... it's good to see you, although I'm sad to hear that EX is "misbehaving".


You could start by sending EX a certified letter (and copying his attorney and yours) that states that you have evidence that he's not speaking appropriately to DD about you (via your answering machine tapes or you could certainly get a small recorder and listen in to record conversations... but certainly when he leaves a derragatory message he knows that it's being recorded!) and that if it doesn't stop that he'll leave you no other choice but to take action to restrict conversations.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for somewhereintx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 12:01pm

Hey Karen!

Things are going wonderfully for me and DD, except for this little snafu. I think I might start with the certified letter and see if that does anything. At the very least it will warn him that I'm not just going to take this happening to DD. The arm blaming has come up several times. The last time I said exactly what you did. That he is worse than me if he seriously thinks that I broke her arm and does nothing about it. I told him to call CPS to have them investigate. The doctors in the ER questioned me and DD about what happened, as well as our insurance company requested information about it. It's really sad to hear DD on the phone saying "No Daddy, Mommy didn't do this. I fell off the bed." I just want to cry.

Last summer he came down and I tried to be nice and "supervise" their visits since he refused to get a court ordered supervisor. I figured DD needs to see her father, so I took the entire week off and played babysitter. Last night he told DD that he still loves me and always will. I took the phone and asked him to refrain from saying things like that. He accused me of sleeping around and said that he went through my drawers last year while he was visiting and found birth control. All he did was kill any chance of me working with him in the future. He's never setting foot in my house again.

I'll draft the letter tonight. Thanks so much for the link. That will really help. Sorry for the vent. I have no one who understands this, since it's so bizzarre. Sometimes I find it hard to believe myself. Thank God DD is a wonderful kid that's unaffected by this so far. That's the important part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 12:22pm

Vent ANY time..... trust me, it's way better to vent and organize your thoughts than to say something to him that you later regret.


FYI.... I take "birth control" pills and I had my tubes tied with my last baby delivery.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 1:24pm
I would guess that most parents engaging in PAS don't know what they are doing. If you do write him a letter, I suggest telling him what he's doing has a name and suggest he read up on it so he can learn the pain he is causing dd by talking negatively about you to her.

Photobucket

Avatar for somewhereintx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:53pm

Well, I called a Texas lawyer that was recommended to me and they said that they can't help me until I petition Maryland and have jurisdiction moved to TX. So I called my MD lawyer to see what she could do to start that process. She agreed with Karen about starting first with writing a letter. She said that since the phone calls are not in the court order, that it was well within my rights to limit the phone calls with warning to Ex. She also said that I had to make attempts to resolve the issue in writing before going to court.

I wrote him a letter documenting the innapropriateness of his behavior and the damaging effects that it's having on DD. I told him that I would be monitoring and/or recording his phone conversations with her and if the behavior continued, I would have no option but to limit his calls with DD. I also noted that due to his irrational behavior and confusion due to "medication" he claims he was taking that I would no longer communicate with him (except for an emergency) except in writing or email.

This way at least I will have written trail on everything and notice that he is being recorded in phone calls. I sent the letter certified so that he has to sign for it. I doubt that he will even go to the Post Office to get it, but my lawyer says also this will look good for me if he refuses to pick it up. I'm feeling a little better that I have a few options at this point.

Keep your fingers crossed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:53pm
That sounds like it was great advice. I'm not sure it will help, but it will be good if you do end up in court to show you tried to resolve the issue on your own.

Photobucket