Stupid. Stupid. Stupid
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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 1:28am |
I've been on the board a lot in the past few weeks. I hope you guys aren't sick of me, because I'm back for another much-needed slap upside the head. Tbx (I can't say soon, because I'm losing hope that he'll ever be my x, let alone that it will happen soon) is emotionally abusive. He has gone to great lengths throughout our relationship to keep me from leaving. He's hidden my keys, threatened to call the police, physically blocked me. He engages in road rage with me and the kids in the car, punches holes in walls and uses the "F" word about as often as he takes a breath. Despite all that, I did manage to leave last weekend. I went to my dad's, but he refused to stop smoking in the house, so I came back home because me and the kids got the stomach flu - unrelated, of course, but breathing in all that smoke wasn't helping. I thought I could handle it and just live with tbx until my apartment is ready in two weeks. But now he is on a mission to get me back. He claims to have found God and he has "seen the light." He's changing the baby's diapers, cleaning and doing laundry. I haven't been feeling well, so he's letting me take naps and cooking dinner. He took me shopping yesterday and wanted to buy me everything. Suddenly he's Mr. Perfect.
Of course, I see right through this. We've been separated twice before and both times I took him back because of these same false promises (although this is the first time he's saying he found God). I've told him plenty of times over the last week that I'm not about to hang around and let him make a fool of me for the third time. Whenever I say this, or become "cold" as he says it, he starts crying, pulling the victim act. He also makes an outward show of praying, his gold cross necklace wrapped around his hand like rosary beads (we aren't even Catholic - he just does it because he sees it in movies). He crouches in a corner and asks God to lighten my heart and help me to be a person of God by making me forgive everything he has done. He tells me I'm not a true Christian because the bible says divorce is wrong and that satan has a hold on me. Arghhh - this irritates me so much that he is using my faith against me. And the really irritating thing is that I'm starting to think he may be right. What is wrong with me????? I told him Wednesday that I would try to work it out, knowing I have no intention of it. I just need to keep the peace until I leave, because I've seen enough of his anger to be afraid of him. But now I'm caught up in my own lie. Today was my birthday party and he gave me $1300 worth of Tahitian pearl jewelry, including a ring set in white gold with 1/2 carat of diamonds encirling the pearl. He said it's my new wedding ring to mark our new beginning. He tried to put it on my left hand (I've long since removed my original wedding ring) but I wouldn't let him. I'm not a materialistic person and I don't feel right accepting these gifts knowing my attorney is at work on my case and in two weeks I'll be in my own apartment. He got really upset and started crying again, saying he doesn't understand. He really seems genuinely upset, and I'm just trying to keep the peace. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. He's wearing me down. Another stupid thing - I had sex with him last night. He just wouldn't relent. He wouldn't leave me alone, so I gave in. I did it mostly because I wanted to see if any feelings still existed,and they don't. I was disgusted. I hated the way he smelled, the way he breathed in my ear, everything. And the idiot actually said we "connected" better than ever last night. Sure he didn't see me cringing in the dark, but the jerk is so self-absorbed he was incapable of sensing that I was soooo not into it. Still, I feel sucked into him again. I feel like life would be all right if he stayed this way, even though I know in my heart it won't last. I felt religiously justified in divorcing him because of the emotional abuse, but what if he really has changed? And what should I do about the jewelry? If I tell him to take it back, he'll know I still plan on leaving him and then we'll be right back to the volatile situation we were in a week ago, when he was making threats and intimidating me. But if I take the jewelry he'll expect me to wear it and then it can't be returned (he'll probably "lose" the receipts anyway) and he'll use it against me in the divorce, painting me as a money-grubbing witch in court.
I just don't know what to do. This SOB is good at what he does. I just don't know if I can break free of him. Does anyone know where I can purchase a spine? :P

Are you Catholic? Other religions do accept divorce more than Catholics do, but there are plenty of Catholics that do divorce. I think you are right to keep the peace until you leave. Tell him that you are still leaving, because even though he says he's changed he needs to prove it for longer than two weeks, and he can prove it to you just as well with you living elsewhere. Tell him since he's gone back to his old ways twice before, you don't want to be in the house if/when he relapses this time, that it's only fair to you to let you go. If he brings up God, tell him God told you to protect your children from the anger and hate in the household, and to protect your battered heart and leave. If he questions that, ask him why he'd question God? Tell him God wants him to accept, not doubt. If he says you need to learn to forgive, then tell him you do forgive, that you forgive him for all the past but that his action destroyed the love between you and now it's over, and he should ask God to help him accept that too.
Once you are out of the house, get some books about leaving an abusive relationship and communicating with an abusive ex when you have children. I know the book "Joint Custody with a Jerk" is highly recommended, but I don't know if it deals with abusive ex's. Either way, reading up on how others have made it will help, there is a way to counter his manipulative statements and behaviors, you just need to learn what they are.
Once you officially file, if he brings up the jewelry, tell him if he wants it back he can have it back, or if he wants you to save it for the children you will do that. If you leave the decision of what to do with them up to him, then he can't say you are money grubbing (well he can say that, but it will just be words with no meaning).
I feel that it's all an act too, and when you leave he will get angry and abusive again. Whenever he does this, just say "see, this is why I had to leave." Get together a few short statements you can use when he starts ranting and stick to those, that will keep you from getting into long discussions (not a good idea with a master manipulator, they can always twist your words). When it comes to the children, communicate with him like he is one. Give him two choices and that's it, for example, "You can have the children on Tuesday night or not, your choice" without lengthy discussions of why Tuesday night. He will most certainly try to make discussions like this about you and about your leaving, but when he does just let him finish ranting and then say "I understand you are upset, but you have to decide to take them Tuesday or not, what is your decision?" That keeps the focus on the children and visitation, regardless of whether he's going off on raving tangents or not.
Even though you had to move back in and you felt pressured into agreeing to sex, you are doing everything right. There is no easy way to leave a marriage, especially an abusive one. Everyone has slight set backs to the plan, it's okay, I can see you are strong and you are not going to give in and stay, you will make it.
Edited 5/30/2005 10:21 am ET ET by firstamendment
Big hugs to you! I agree with the other posters-- your X sounds like a manipulator. Just keep counting down the days, and do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your kids. Don't beat yourself up over choices-- you're just trying to maintain and survive in an unhealthy relationship. It'll make you stronger if you can learn from your choices, good or not-so-good.
Keep your chin up. This board is a great place for support.
Susie
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Live and learn....
Everything happens for a reason. I agree with the other posters. You have seen it before... chances are things haven't changed.
Hugs to you and good luck :)
Angelena