Question about visitation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Question about visitation
6
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:31am

We have been divorced two years, and because the ex lives 500 miles away, both attorneys suggested that we put it down as "reasonable and liberal visitation" instead of specifying things one of us might not be able to keep up with. There have been problems each and every time he has had the kids stay with him. He once left them unattended at a public pool because he needed to get some sleep (neither kid can swim) and at Christmas, he didn't give ds the medicine prescribed for his ear infection. He got them Friday 10 days ago, and was supposed to bring them home today. He left them with his mother whom the entire family thinks has Alzheimers (she refuses to be tested so no one knows for sure) while he was at work. The kids (who are 5 and 8) cried and begged not to stay with Granny, they wanted to stay with his friend's wife who babysat them previously, because Granny's actions are bizarre at best and border on neglectful at worst. The ex told them no, they had to stay with Granny because he would have to pay the friend's wife. He gets off work at 5:30. On Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, he didn't pick the kids up until after 9pm because he went to his girlfriend's house first. On Friday, one of my relatives picked the kids up for the afternoon. She called me as soon as she got out of the driveway to tell me that ds was sick as a dog. She said he was having an allergic reaction to something at Granny's, his eyes were watering and swollen almost shut, he was so stuffy and congested it was making him nauseous, and he hadn't eaten anything all day. She had asked his Granny about it, who had no idea what was wrong with him, and no, she hadn't given him any over the counter medicine, even though she had it there. It hadn't even occurred to her. My family got him some benadryl, and within an hour he was fine. when I tried to talk to my ex about it, he swears she made it all up and the kid was never sick at all. He refused to let me talk to the kids that night, because he said they had just sat down to eat supper at 9pm. I told him that I wanted to talk to them when they were done, but he didn't call me back. Saturday, the ex took the kids and his nephew to the movies. My ds was talking to me on his dad's cell phone. They got to a sobriety checkpoint. I heard the ex lie to the police officer about how old dd was because he didnt' have her in her car seat, and one of the boys didn't have a seatbelt on, but the cop told him just to make sure the kids buckled up and let him go. When I talked to the ex about it, he swore that he had dd in her carseat, and that he was the one not wearing a seatbelt, not one of the kids. I asked the kids, and they told me what I heard was correct. I told him that I had decided that I wanted to come visit a friend who lived near him, so I would get into town late Saturday and take the kids back with me Sunday. He was fine with that. When I got there Sunday morning at 11 am, he had not fed the kids yet. He hd to take them to get something, because he had no food in the house. None. All that was in the fridge was ketchup, Mountain Dew, and beer. There was a bag of sugar in the cabinet and that was all. He has not cut his grass in over a year. The weeds and grass are waist to chest high on me. They are over dd's head. He also has a pile of trash in his dining room that is 5 feet long, 2 1/2 feet wide, and 2 to 3 feet high. There is Christmas wrapping paper in the pile.

Needless to say, my reaction is that the kids are not going there again. Period. Am I overreacting? What do I need to do to get his visitation stopped or at least supervised? I have no idea who to even call, other than my attorney of course. The other thing is, he is behind on his child support, and he doesn't know it yet, but he is going to be served on that probably this week. What do I need to do to make sure the court understands that this is because of the concerns I have over the visitations, not as revenge on the fact he's behind on his child support?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:02am
Have you documemented all this, with dates times and all the facts? You can also have your family member write a letter saying what was going on when she picked up ds. You can also get anyone that is willing to write a letter about Granny's condition. You can walk into court with just your word, but I wouldn't recommend it. You need to build a pile of evidence over time to show why you are concerned with the children's safety while they are there. The best situation is to ask a guardian ad litem (GAL) be appointed to assess whether it is safe for the children to be with their dad unsupervised. Having the GAL come around (she'll come around checking you out too) might get him to cut the grass and stock the fridge, but she will also talk to the children and usually they can see what is going on. It will also be a wake up call for him, possibly. A GAL can do a lot more than a judge can, which is just guess and speculate who's telling the truth. Calling your attorney is a good idea too, I would definitely do that.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 2:23am

Man oh man... did ya have a camera?


I would definitely get your kids to make a statement to a police officer (perhaps one not in uniform).... or a psychologist or counselor.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:27am

Hugs!!!!


That is terrible. Document, Document, Document.


I like Wild's camera comment too! Take your camera with you next time.


I would FLIP if my kids went to those kinds of conditions.


Hugs to you and good luck!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:18am
Now that's a thought!.... next time, take them there yourself... with your camera.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:43pm

I did manage to get two pictures before ex came out to see what I was doing. I have a friend who is going to go by while he is at work and take more. She may be able to get the trash pile inside through the window because he had it open the other day.

I called code enforcement. The only thing they will do is send him a letter telling him he has 30 days to clean up his yard before they fine him. On top of that, they will tell him who complained if he asks.

I talked to my lawyer. She said that I can't address the visitation issues at the upcoming hearing. This hearing is about contempt, and will only enforce the original agreement, and can't be used to modify it. To get the visitation changed, I would have to file another action against him, which would mean more money. I don't have the money. I don't qualify for legal aid. I checked.

What if I let the kids go back for their next scheduled visit and then called child welfare on him? Would it be a good idea, or would they penalize me for letting the kids go, when I knew the conditions?

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:46am

That is why I suggested that you accompany them for the drop off.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~