Where do I start?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:43pm |
** oops sorry hat off **
Well I guess I should introduce myself first. My name is Tonya and I'm 24. I have a son Nathaniel who is 17 months old.
Back in March I told my stbx that I wanted a divorce. I'm not happy anymore and I feel that I'm only hurting my son by staying married to stbx. He wants a black/white answer why I want a divorce and I don't have one for him. I have been unhappy with myself for quite some time. I began talking about divorce with my stepmom about 2 yrs ago then a few months later I became pregnant and thought I'd stick it out and see what happened. Well he and I began arguing alot more and we just dont really get along. He says that hes happy with me and that he doesnt think that we argue at all.
So anyways we have had the divorce discussion for months now and the story is staying the same .. I want a divorce and he wants to stay married. I'm currently unemployeed (have been since 2001) and I don't know what to do. I called an attorney and a un-contested divorce will run about $500 but if he tries to fight me then who knows what it would be.
He keeps threatening me that he's going to take everything from me if I dont stay married to him (including our son) and it just hurts me so bad. I had hoped that he and I could work things out and be friends but I see now that that will never happen. He tries to tell me where I can go, who I can talk to, when I have to be home, ect. He said that he thinks thats what a "loving husband" is supposed to do. I disagree!
So that said do any of you have advice for me? I have been told so much but have no clue what is true. We only have one car and I have been told that if I have custody of Nathaniel that I could get the car to so that I'd have transportation for him (stbx totaled my car).
Help Please!




Hi Tonya..... Welcome to the board!
First of all, I think that I'd schedule a consultation with an attorney, which can usually be done by paying a fee (I think I paid $50), which can be credited toward the "retainer" if you decide to file.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I guess I am questioning if you are unhappy with yourself, what makes you think your marriage is bad?
Welcome, Baby. I only have a minute, but wanted to throw this out.
The threats, demands for black-and-white answers, etc. sound like an abuser's usual response when the victim starts to get away. Telling you what you can and cannot do, whom you can speak with is definitely an act of abuse, and there is no excuse for it. He knows somewhere inside that that is not an expression of love, but control. He'll never admit it, though.
If it weren't for those warning signs I would say get counseling for your dissatisfaction in your own life and be glad your husband wants to fight for the marriage. However, when the partner takes that stance regarding your activities, your feelings and his response fit a whole different profile. I'd suggest seeking individual counseling through a domestic abuse center. Tell them what you told us, and they'll be able to help you find the solution that works for you.
Take care of yourself.
Good question. I have always been happy with my life untill about 3 years ago. We have been married for 5 years and after the first two years things started to drastically change. His attitude towards me and my family have gradually become more aggressive (for lack of better words).
So I think that I can be happy with myself again if I get out of this relationship. Over the years if we got into a fight he would threaten to kill himself (he's doing that again now) and that just really takes a toll on me mentally and I can't do it anymore.
Yesterday I was asleep and he was "fondeling" me. I woke up and he wanted to have sex. I told him I was tired and wanted to sleep and he proceeded to continue and things like that really bother me too. That scene has happened more than once. One of the things he says everytime we start talking about divorce is that he hopes that I'll still come by and "make love" to him even when we live apart. WTH? I want a divorce.
I hope that helps to answer your question better.
A lot of what you describe in his behavior could be warning signs, yes. But they could also indicate a man who is confused, hurt and has had some very poor role models on how to handle women. As you are expecting a baby, and I am a complete stranger to you, I don't know if divorce is what you need. You even sound a little unsure yourself about that. I know you're tired (I slept through my whole first trimester, LOL!). I do not know if this is the time for this decision to be made.
So what about that counseling? Do you two have insurance?
Oh! I'm so sorry to have mis-read. But unless your boy is a better sleeper than my DD was, I'll bet you're still exhausted, LOL! I have thought of another question. When your husband says he doesn't want the divorce, do you think it is you he wants to hang on to? Your child? Both? Something else? During the first three years when you two were happy together, was that man (that you knew then) someone that you thought could be a good father?
If so, would you like to get that back, if it was possible?
I'm lucky that my son tends to sleep pretty well (as long as hes not sick lol).
My husband has always had an anger management problem. We have talked about it alot over the years. When things were better between us I would just ignore him and deal with it, however since our sons birth he has become a different person.
He degrades me all the time now both to me and my family. He tells me that I neglect our son (and him). He has even went as far as to tell me that he doesnt think Nathaniel is his (which he totally is I've never been with anyone else). His behavior over the years has become more vendictive and hurtful to me and now that we have a son he uses him as leverage against me because he knows that Nathaniel is my life.
I definately want this divorce. Thinking back on it now I wish that I had waited to get married but I cant change the past. I'm unhappy with myself because I have let him tear my self esteem away bit by bit.
When I first mentioned divorce I could have thought about trying to salvage our marriage with counceling however as weeks have past and he has become spiteful and always making threats I know that thats not possible.
What happens if 10 years down the road we are back here again, I don't think I could deal with this all over again. I never have a moment to myself anymore. He feels that if I leave the house he has to be with me, weither its for dr's appointments, lunch, grocery shopping, ect he is always there and I feel like I'm going to drown.