More info, from Dr Phil's website

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
More info, from Dr Phil's website
8
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:08pm

Check this out.... what do you guys think?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:29pm

I am divorced -- and I agree with what he says.

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I remember the exact moment I did this w/my then-husband. It was nearly a year after I found out he had been cheating on me (and three months after I was sure I wanted to divorce). We came out of a counseling appointment and were standing by the car.

I looked at him in the eye, tears running down his face, and told him, "I forgive you for everything. I want you to go on and have a happy life and find 'the love of your life.' I just cannot be your wife any longer."
The next day he moved out and I felt absolutely nothing. No sadness. No anger. Just relief.

Even after he put me through a long and terrible divorce that ended up in court I still feel no hatred or resentment towards him and I have no problem being polite to him.

I can breathe now and that feels GREAT!!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:19am

Although I do agree with some of what he's saying (that people should try to save a marriage and not give up too easily), I think that often people 'know' there is no way the marriage can be saved long before they're over the hurt/anger/resentment. When you know your partner is crying crocodile tears and is insincere about working on his/her share of the marital problems, you don't have to have dealt with all your feelings to know that it's not going to work out.

-sang

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:47am
Right on, Sang! When only one partner is willing to address the issues, and the other one tries to cover up thier issues by appeasing you, or "making nice", what's the point? I'd rather spend my energies on something where there is hope, rather than spend the next 20 years on a sinking ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:08pm
Well said, sang. I'd like to know how a person is supposed to get past the hurt and anger while fresh hurts are being inflicted. And sometimes it's possible to get out before it escalates to hatred.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:55pm

I don't think that this is always the case. I used to think so, when I was still married to my xh. I was abused by him for 20 years. I believed that it was up to me to save our marriage right from the beginning, when I was 17yo. (Gads, that seems so young now!!!) I hate blanket statements like these, because these were the ideas that fed into my codependancies and allowing him to continue to abuse me. If someone is going to make a statement like this, they need to add that it is not true in EVERY situation.


BTW, I have been separated/divorced for 8 years now. (Giving away my age, I know. LOL) I still, to this day, find things that I have always believed to not be true. However, I have recovered me. :)

Steph


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away. - Author unknown


The 2004 IDEA, special education law, goes into effect on July 1, 2005. Do you know how and if this will affect your child?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 4:01pm

Oh yes, there are special situations such as abuse. I agree with the blanket statement thing.... now that I think about it...hmmmmmmmmmm.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:51am

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ITA. The one thing I don't like about Dr. Phil is that he seems to have the attitude that a blanket statement like this applies in all situations, but in real life there are always exceptions to every rule. I think Dr. Phil does a lot of good, but I've also seen him handle some situations on his show by giving advice that is contrary to what an expert in a particular field would give (such as the way he handles abusive relationships... let's do joint counselling because that's a good idea... and Dr. Phil can magically cure abusers even though less than 1% of abusers change their behaviour with intensive therapy).

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:31am

Dr. Phil seems to word things like ALL marriages started out with this great love thing going on. What about the women who bioclocks were ticking loudly because they were approaching 30, or a man who felt like it was time to settle down, or the cases of the people who get married because that is what is expected to do next after dating all through college, what about the co-worker who has been complaining, reading and venting for the past 5 years with no progress of change. She would read something like this go out and buy another book, go to another therapist, get on meds, etc....because in her mind her marriage can be saved...Some marriages are just not to be saved because they never worked in the beginning.

As you can see Dr. Phill and his blanket statements are a hot button for me.