His 21 yr old girfriend PREGNANT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
His 21 yr old girfriend PREGNANT?
7
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:17pm

We had another blow up this afternoon. Probably my fault who knows anymore. From all the back and forth arguing, him talking about how hard he has it etc etc I said what are you talking about. You have a roof over your head he replied "Do I", you dont know what's going on with me "just leave it alone" so I tried appealing to him on a level of caring and understanding. I know you guys are banging your heads against the wall right now. He is so so angry. Saying he doesnt open up to me b/c I will compare and contrast. Asking why he didnt do such and such for me but is doing for so and so, etc. I guess he has a point. But it's just that I want him to see how he treats me so badly. Is it because Im not willing to just roll over and keep my mouth shut letting him have free reign to do whatever. Is it b/c I would expect stuff from him? Love is supposed to be a two way street right?

But through all this I can still show love for him, and he cant seem to do so for me and I dont understand it. He acts like im the anti-christ. After all we had he can just be so ALOOF when it comes to me, behave like I was NEVER important to him. HOW can he be like this. I told him I know he's hurting but he's not alone, he says he cant care about anybody but himself right now. So I told him that he can show the other women in his life that he cares. Why not me? He's like what are u talking about, so I referred to his gf and he said well she's my gf. I said so what I'm nothing!

Again he started talking about how he cant deal with this now, there is too much going on with him so I said what is going on. I paused then said what is she pregnant? He said YES. Now my ex has a habit of saying the most HURTFUL THINGS to me when we have this kind of altercation and he cant handle it and wants to get off the phone. So I told him now is not the time to say something hurtful just to get me off the phone. I asked are you serious? He said how does it affect you, I said just tell me are you serious, he repeated it again. I said why are you being like this? He said oh dont worry this wont affect "Your Child Support Payments!". My God in heaven. I said you are a bastard and just hung up. He acts as though all I cared about is the money. Ive never been that way, why is he acting like im that shallow. This hurts so much that he's acting like im just some kind of gold digger or something.

I read in one of my books that when a person is really hurting bad, in alot of pain that's when they lash out the most and do and say the most hurtful things. Can this be the case with him. Or is he just truly a Bastard and doesnt give a damn about me and has now gotten her pregnant as well? This is just getting worse and worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:32pm

You have to understand something...


Once your spouse leaves, they HAVE TO harden up so they don't feel guilty for doing things to us. It is MUCH easier to be angry than to feel guilty. It's all about THEM, not us. They don't care that they are hurting us. ( they do, but refuse to let themselves feel )


My X gave me the same lines he gave you today. I can't even believe it. Have you ever heard of the book "The Script".... we should add these lines to it because I have heard TONS of other X's using the SAME lines.


The money, they will ALWAYS feel resentment towards us for paying for their children. They don't understand that the money goes to the kids and not to us. They don't understand that we have medicines on hand, clothes on hand ( every season when they grow out of their old ones ) they don't understand that we have food and shelter to pay for...... they just don't get it. Alls they see is that we don't have to write a check for our kids so why should they? They feel they are taking care of their kids and that should be enough, whether they have every other weekend visitation, 50/50 or whatever. They feel that money should go to them. They just don't understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:58pm
Angelena,
I just see his life out of control and i know it's HIS LIFE, HIS PROBLEM, but when you loved someone so deeply you hate to just sit there and watch. My god he just so carelessly threw away what we had and im angry at him for that still! He had so many chances to fix it, learn from his mistakes, make the effort for us. I loved him and still do, we could have made it. I wanted our family to work. Why didnt he? Damn him. All the chances and he just throws them away. Why didnt he see how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. Now there is a possiblility of him having a 4th child with 3 different women. Jesus. What the heck is wrong with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:31pm

Believe me honey, I know.


My ex has been married twice and divorced twice and he is only 29. I see the same patterns happening again and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.


I fought hardcore to make him see..... he didn't. I made myself sick over worrying about him. There comes a time when you just have to say.... hold on, if he wants to make those mistakes so be it!


You HAVE to.... to save your own sanity. You can't move on unless you emotionally break yourself from him as he has done to you. Be angry, that worked for me.


Hugs to you, you are a strong woman. I know it hurts, find it in you to fuhghetabowwwtit!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:56pm
Thanks for your support girl. What hurts the most is I know if we would have still been together and I talked of having more kids which I did want to when our son turned 2. He would have said no way, it's too soon etc. He even once said if we would have still been together he wouldnt have the twins he has now. He wanted to wait until our son was at least 5 or so. So if he's gone and got this one pregnant too then. I just dont know anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:50pm

Oh Lord help all of you if his gf is pregnant! 4 children so young with 3 different women, I just hope this one doesn't have twins too. OMG!

>>>But it's just that I want him to see how he treats me so badly. Is it because Im not willing to just roll over and keep my mouth shut letting him have free reign to do whatever.<<<

He will never admit to how he treats you, and he doesn't have to. You have the power to heal you own heart, and it has nothing to do with him admitting fault or seeing the error of his ways. Stop letting him into your heart and protect it yourself. He shouldn't have free reign over your life, nor you over his. The way you stop that is stop worring about his life or trying to make him care about yours.

>>>But through all this I can still show love for him, and he cant seem to do so for me and I dont understand it. He acts like im the anti-christ. After all we had he can just be so ALOOF when it comes to me, behave like I was NEVER important to him. HOW can he be like this.<<<

You need to focus on being considerate instead of caring. Don't try to figure out his motivations or feelings, be respectful but don't show him love. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. He's shown you his true self and he's not about to change.

>>>I read in one of my books that when a person is really hurting bad, in alot of pain that's when they lash out the most and do and say the most hurtful things. Can this be the case with him.<<<

Yes, it could be the case. But he has lashed out and hurt you so many times that you have to stop taking it. The way to not take it is to not open yourself up to it. Don't tell him you care or ask him if he cares. Assume he doesn't care and that he won't ever care. Take care of yourself for now, and one day someone will come along that you can and should trust. I am sure your ex is hurting, but he's hurting because he's done things himself to cause that, it's all of his own making. This isn't like someone who is diagnosed with cancer and shuts out the one's they love because the pain is too great, this guy is a jerk and a self-made victim and he's lashing out because he mostly feels sorry for himself. Don't encourage him to keep doing it to you!

Sorry if my advice is too harsh. I am trying to say what I really feel you need to hear, and it comes from the heart. I can't believe his gf may be pregnant, but with his track record nobody should be surprised.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:44am
First, I thank you deeply. And your absolutely right. He still knows how to push my buttons. He knows that Im still hooked b/c I allow him to know. I will get it together soon i hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:50am

I agree with first that you need to stop expecting anything from him. Nothing you say or do is going to change or control how he acts or make him see himself in a different light. But you can take control of yourself. You're still thinking of him as someone you have a relationship with, giving you the right to have expectations of being treated well, give and take, etc. But you can shift your thinking to think of him as your ex, father of your son, and limit your interactions to what is necessary because of that. Think of how good you felt the times you weren't in contact with him or when you kept the contact strictly to the issues of your son. Wouldn't you rather your life be peaceful like that than the emotional roller coaster it is when you break that?

-sang