First court date was today
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First court date was today
| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:34pm |
Hi everybody
our first court date was today, and since we are not contesting visitation or child support, it's pretty cut and dried. On August 4th my divorce will be final.
The court part was OK, it's what happened after that has upset me, and I need some help and advice, please. I am pregnant, due in 2 weeks. My stbx got his gf pregnant within a month of moving out, and she is due in December. Today after court he told me that he is planning on asking her for basically full custody, and asked me if I would share a nanny with my newborn son, my 4yo and his kid from this other relationship.
I told him I'm not prepared to make a decision about that at this time, that I need to think about what is best for my kids, and he told me he would quit his job and be a stay at home dad to all three kids if I didn't agree to share a nanny.
I am so beside myself. I want what is best for my sons. That probably means that their half sibling be a part of their life, and I'm prepared to come to terms with that. But do I have to let my stbx be their primary caregiver? it seems so unfair to me, i am not sure i trust him, and he would be quitting his job to stay at home so that he would not have to pay such a large amount of child support (2 newborns and a 4yo, ouch).
also, like i said, i know i have to come to terms with this half sibling as my husband wants my kids and her kid to be raised as full siblings, but how the hell can he expect me to deal with the OW being around the rest of my life?
i am not sure i'm articulating very well how upset i am. somebody help please.
our first court date was today, and since we are not contesting visitation or child support, it's pretty cut and dried. On August 4th my divorce will be final.
The court part was OK, it's what happened after that has upset me, and I need some help and advice, please. I am pregnant, due in 2 weeks. My stbx got his gf pregnant within a month of moving out, and she is due in December. Today after court he told me that he is planning on asking her for basically full custody, and asked me if I would share a nanny with my newborn son, my 4yo and his kid from this other relationship.
I told him I'm not prepared to make a decision about that at this time, that I need to think about what is best for my kids, and he told me he would quit his job and be a stay at home dad to all three kids if I didn't agree to share a nanny.
I am so beside myself. I want what is best for my sons. That probably means that their half sibling be a part of their life, and I'm prepared to come to terms with that. But do I have to let my stbx be their primary caregiver? it seems so unfair to me, i am not sure i trust him, and he would be quitting his job to stay at home so that he would not have to pay such a large amount of child support (2 newborns and a 4yo, ouch).
also, like i said, i know i have to come to terms with this half sibling as my husband wants my kids and her kid to be raised as full siblings, but how the hell can he expect me to deal with the OW being around the rest of my life?
i am not sure i'm articulating very well how upset i am. somebody help please.

If I were you, I'd ask your attorney about this. If the children are at his house with the nanny, but you get them after work most of the time, you'd still be the primary caregiver I think. An attorney would know for sure, and it should be specified in the agreement what the arrangement is and that you are still the primary caregiver. I don't think you have to agree to this though. If he quits his job his cs obligation will not go away or decrease (they will use his most recent income in the cs calculation). He needs to know this. In some states if he falls behind he can loose his license or go to jail or have his bank account attached. He can't have primary custody of the other baby if he's not working either. Who is going to support him? A third woman?
Having the OW in your children's lives because of their half-sibling is hard. I don't know what to say or how to come to terms with that, other than I am sure it will take quite a bit of effort and lots of time :(
I have to agree with first.
Oh wait, how are you hon? How is the baby? How are you holding up ( other than the obvious )
I think that there is a lot to consider here. He will try to not pay you child support because he isn't working, but who on earth is going to support him? Does he expect you to pay him for the care of his own children? That's just weird. I would think your attorney would have better advice on this one.
HUgs to you I hope all is well.
Angelena
Hi!.... Is quitting his job to be a full time nanny realistic for him?????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
hey you three-
first of all, thank you for your support and words of encouragement. i appreciate it.
Angelena-I am feeling pretty good. 2 more weeks to go! the nursery is done and i'm having my carpets cleaned today so i feel like i've "nested" and i'm ready to go.
Wild-I agree with you that it will be best for half sib and my sons to know each other. i have a half brother i dont know and i dont think it's right. my husband grew up with 4 much older half sibs and was very close with one of his half brothers so he certainly can visualize a family atmosphere for the three of them.
First-I have put a call into my lawyer. he said, hang tight and see what happens. nothing we can do about what is possibly just talk right now from a man who is scared and very stressed about money.
I do feel blackmailed by his threat to stay at home and nanny his 3 kids. I think he is thinking if he does that, I will have to pay him the daycare money I am paying for my 2 kids ($1800/month) and that he will live on that. He told me that he and OW aren't together anymore and that he is planning on asking her for full custody of their child which would mean that she would have to pay him about $400/month. Between his 2 women, he could certainly afford to be a stay at home dad and not have another job.
The thing is, I went back to work when our first son was 3 mos old and STBX was a SAHD for 3 years. I have already worked my ass off so he can stay home and was OK with that because we were married and it was best for my son. But I am not going to do it again just because he can't afford child support. He is a different dad than he used to be, and I do not trust him to be the primary caregiver for my boys. I also am not going to pay him what I would pay a professional nanny who would be here to help me out with light housekeeping and my pets. I am checking with the lawyer to make sure I am within my rights to do so but I believe that I am.
I am not necessarily opposed to sharing a nanny, but the nanny is going to be in my home. so he is picturing dropping OC off at my house, and then picking OC up at night. How do I explain to my boys that OC gets to live with dad, and not them? He also works (supposedly) some long hours, sometimes till late at night. Am I supposed to babysit his OC until he gets off work or happy hour or whatever? It's a half baked plan that needs more thought before I'm willing to take it under consideration.
I also don't believe him about the status of his relationship with OW. He has lied to me so much about the nature of their relationship I just don't buy it. He says they aren't together, but in the same breath tells me she'll be around my son this weekend...then in another breath tells me there isn't anything about her that is better than me...then tells me that they are going to start dating and "take it slow". makes no sense, i will probably never know the truth and honestly don't care to, except for in the context of how it affects my sons.
So what I've basically decided to do is calm down a bit. OC isn't due until Dec 25th which means that I won't have to deal with this nanny/SAHD situation until Feb/March-ish time frame, and who knows what will happen by then. I have to concentrate right now on my two boys and being the stable parent for them, because their dad is all over the place. He is doing and saying things that make no sense so I need to make sure that no matter what they can rely on me.
I also need to really work on letting go of my anger towards him about the OW. I can't change it now. On court day, I told him I could work through this OC and that I thought we could have a good marriage, a better one than we ever had before. This was all based on a conversation we had on the phone about 2 weeks ago when he also told me he knew we could have worked things out. Basically, he just said that he didn't love me enough to work through the issues. So it's actually sinking in...this really is over. He is continuing to work on his relationship with OW and as much as my ego doesn't want to believe that she and her baby can mean more to him than me and my baby do...it's a fact. So the sooner I quit thinking about what could have been, and focus on being a good coparent again, the better off everyone will be. When I think of my STBX as a business partner working towards being the best parents we can, that is when I do best. I don't think anything is going to get my heart healed except for time. Looking to STBX for emotional suppport certainly isn't getting me anywhere, he has none to give to me. Actually, he hasn't in a long time. part of our marriage problem.
oooh, sorry, i just totally rambled on there. that's what's on me mind today. thanks for listening and thanks again for checking in.
bridget
Bridget, WOW. I think he has complete B*lls to think of this "solution" ... for HIM!