into the lion's den
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into the lion's den
| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:55pm |
I'm not going through a divorce, but for the past year i've been dating a man who is separated and now he is going through a divorce. I was wondering if I could get some advice? I need advice from people who could possibly tell me what goes on in the minds of married men. Long story short, he was separated when i met him, he asked me out and explained the whole situation (he has a one yr old daughter). He pursued me (i was getting over someone else at the time and dating just to date). We dated for four months during which time he said he wanted a divorce asap and that he could "possibly spend the rest of his life with me". I definitely fell in love with him and i still am. He was deployed to iraq a second time for seven months, during which time we wrote to each other twice a day and talked every couple weeks.
When he returned he did a 180 and said he wanted his family back and that it seemed like "I didnt know where i was headed" in terms of a career. His wife found out he had been seeing me and lying to her so she filed for divorce. Now he's completely cut me off, said he doesnt want me to contact him at all and that "if its meant to be he will find me". I actually spoke with his wife on one occasion and she seems like a really great person, not at all like the psycho-bitch he described. So I guess I just have two qustions:
1) If I really care about him should I hope they work things out, or is this just a case of him always wanting what he can't have?
2) I may be pregnant. If I am, should I try to contact him even though he asked me not to?
When he returned he did a 180 and said he wanted his family back and that it seemed like "I didnt know where i was headed" in terms of a career. His wife found out he had been seeing me and lying to her so she filed for divorce. Now he's completely cut me off, said he doesnt want me to contact him at all and that "if its meant to be he will find me". I actually spoke with his wife on one occasion and she seems like a really great person, not at all like the psycho-bitch he described. So I guess I just have two qustions:
1) If I really care about him should I hope they work things out, or is this just a case of him always wanting what he can't have?
2) I may be pregnant. If I am, should I try to contact him even though he asked me not to?

hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well firstly, if you have been reading the posts here, the one's that were divorced because of infidelity their spouses ALWAYS make them out to be "psycho"... and in any event, wouldn't you be a little miffed if you found out about the OW and spoke to her? I know I was.
You have to understand that when you date a married or separated man, there is a reason he is married. If he was THAT unhappy, he would file for divorce. If there was NO EMOTIONAL TIES he would have filed for divorce.
You don't know what he was telling his wife. He could have been telling his wife he loved her through your whole relationship... I know I know, your sayin NO WAY, He wouldn't do that! well, chances are, he did.
If you are pregnant, yes you should tell him. He has a right to know and it is in the best interest of the child for him/her to know their father.
I guess my best advice would be to find out if your pregnant and then go from there. I don't envy your position, hugs to you and good luck!
Angelena
Hi there.... Sometimes, being faced with "life or death" (war) makes you think about... and appreciate...
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi calgrl... I'm about to give you a big speech here, but please hear me out. I mean the best for you.
Go to a doctor, find out if you're really pregnant before you say anything or involve him at all.
If you're not, let this be a lesson to you that you are never to get involved with a married man ever again - and separated is still married. You have also learned that you were easily manipulated by a guy who lies to his wife and describes her as a psycho-bitch when you learned otherwise. He also left a little, one year old baby girl so he could pursue having some fun. What a nice sob story he must have given you... along with all the lines about how he 'could possibly spend his life with you'... all while he is still married and divorce papers weren't even filed. How ironic that his story didn't include divorce papers until his wife found out about having an affair with you.
Honey, every single married man who pursues a woman who is not his wife gives the woman the line about how awful his wife is... it's an age-old routine. The phrase, "My wife doesn't understand me," didn't come out of nowhere. Man, I wish I had a big fat check for every time I've heard that one!
But you're different, right? He may cheat on his first wife and lie about her and give you the impression she's a bitch, but he'll be different with you. I would be really surprised if you're the first he cheated with. Guys who do this type of thing aren't morally based people. If you're pregnant, you're going to be the woman he knocked up while he was cheating on his wife.
How easy it was for him to ditch you. Remember that.
If you are pregnant, you're probably going to be giving birth to a baby out of wedlock. Be prepared to be a single parent. If he marries you, it probably won't be because he loves you. Be ready to also sue him for child-support that he may not offer willingly. Keep in mind that he already has a kid he's going to have to support and I doubt that on his salary he'll be able to do that for the next 17 years.
Or,
You can quietly go through this pregnancy while keeping out of their lives and give the baby up for adoption so it has a chance at a healthy, two parent home. That would be most honorable of you and most selfless.
Or,
You can have an abortion. (I don't like this idea and don't recommend it)
So, calgrl, you truly did walk right into the lion's den. As I said, find out if you are pregnant and think very long and hard about what the right thing to do is -- not the easiest, and not what fits into a fairy tale. Many strong women have done this before you when they find themselves pregnant by a guy who doesn't want them.
If you're not, be very thankful and learn your lessons. This guy... ugh, he's so typical.
I don't mean to come down on you or lambast you, calgrl. I just really want you to learn from this.
In short, to answer your questions... in my never humble opinion on rats like this guy:
1) If I really care about him should I hope they work things out, or is this just a case of him always wanting what he can't have?
He doesn't want what he can't have. He doesn't know what he wants. He's an idiot. Don't give him too much credit. He can't even handle what he does have...
2) I may be pregnant. If I am, should I try to contact him even though he asked me not to?
Find out from a doctor if you are pregnant and find out pronto - like, tomorrow. I wouldn't doom a kid to a father like him, so no, I wouldn't contact him even if you are pregnant. I wouldn't call him because I don't think he'll step up to the plate for your kid and I wouldn't be willing to go through the next 18 years of taking him to court so you can get child support. I'd consider strongly giving the baby up for adoption.
The reason I'm being real tough-lined on this guy is because he not only had an affair with you, thus officially breaking up his family, but he actually had the nerve to tell you that "he'll find you" if he decides he really wants you. I vomited a little bit in my own mouth thinking of what it takes for some guy to think that you'd sit around waiting for a schmuck like him. "Yeah, after I get rid of my wife and baby, I'll look you up." aaaack!
Calgrl, please take care and let us know how you're doing. I'm really on your side even though I've given you this big speech. We girls really gotta be smart :)
Best wishes to you, sweetie.