Getting Back Together....
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 7:59pm |
About a month ago my exhusband and I had a heart to heart talk. We both explained our feelings for each other - we still love one another. We decided that we were going to try and make things work.
I've arranged for some counseling that will begin early this month. We've decided that we need to discuss the problems that we had in our marriage with someone and move forward from there.
Here's the thing...
I'm glad that we are going to counseling. I think it will help out and allow us to have new and different outlets of expressing ourselves, especially when it comes to arguing...
However, my whole entire family is against us getting back together. For the most part, they don't even want to speak to me now. They just seem so disappointed in me...but you can't help who you love. I just wish that they would see that he has actually improved and has changed a lot of things that he was doing when we were married. We both realize that we did things in the wrong way and made mistakes. We just want to move forward from here/there....
We are not talking about getting remarried. We both think that we should go to counseling first, before anything else.
I love him but I'm still scared, and my family isn't making anything better. I just want everything to be okay.
I just needed to get some of this off of my chest. Any advise on any of this? How should we proceed and what should I do about my family?
Thanks,
Kait

Keep your eyes wiiiiiiiiide open, Kaitlyn.
I wish you the best for you, no matter where it comes from.
Elyse
Kait-
Have you had any individual counselling? If not, you should consider if before you go to marital counselling. I believe that reconciliations can work only if the problems that caused the breakup in the first place are resolved; otherwise, the relationship will break down again.
I can understand why your family is having a hard time with this. I just went back and reread some of your earlier posts, and I'm very concerned for you. You've said you had to get a RO on your husband due to violence and stalking, but that you also had good times. This is called the cycle of abuse - a honeymoon phase where everything's great, but then tension builds until there's a verbal or physical violent event and then the cycle starts again. If this is your relationship, it's not going to change easily, and marital counselling isn't going to help it (in fact, it often makes it worse because you bare your soul to the abuser, giving him ammunition on how to most effectively hurt you next time). Have you visited the domestic abuse boards on ivillage - you might learn a lot about your relationship there.
Please consider carefully what you're doing and why you're doing it. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with that person. You owe it to your daughter to give her a healthy, safe home. Maybe reviewing your own words might make you see this in a different light.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=14664.1&ctx=128
I don't mean to sound like I'm judging you. I'm just concerned and hope you move forward with your eyes open rather than trying to make a pipedream into a reality. If you do believe this is the right choice for you, I wish you the best.
-sang
Good luck, Kait.
I read your old posts, and this one... and I don't know if this is right or wrong, because I am not you.
What to do about your relationship is not your question, though, your question was how do you deal with your family...
Sometimes, you have to live for yourself. Remember that. But remember also - if you end up alone, or ill, you may need them. Or your daughter might. Perhaps you could approach them and say "ok, I know you disapprove, so why don't we simply agree to disagree on the subject. But your continued silence is not good for my daughter - please do not shut her out on account of me."
Good luck.
I'm with everyone else...be very careful. Your family loves you, and probably only has your best interest at heart in this situation. It doesn't mean that you should do everything that they tell you, but you should probably take their opinions into account. They can see things from a different perspective than you can, and there is a reason that they feel the way that they do.
When I first got together with STBXH, I didn't tell my mother (whom I'm extremely close to) very many details about our relationship. This is because I knew she'd tell me to drop his sorry butt, and I just didn't want to hear that at the time. She would have been completely right, though. This has stuck with me, and now it's become sort of my barometer. If my relationship with DBF ever became something that I felt I couldn't discuss with those who love me for fear that they'd think badly of him, I'd know that I shouldn't be there.
Also remember this: He's still him, you're still you, and without A LOT of work on both your parts, you'll eventually fall back into the exact same patterns you were in before. It doesn't matter how many epiphanies you've had or how sincere he is. People can change, but it takes so incredibly much more than "I'm sorry."
Good luck, whatever you decide.
- HisMija
Good luck to you... a rough road it will be....
Hugs,
Angelena
It's true that he was phyical at times. We would get into very heated arguments and he would at times act out by pushing/shoving me and things like that. He was more of a verbally abusive person with the name calling and such.
I'm not trying to justify ANYTHING. I see everything as what it is and what it was. A tough road it may be, but maybe that's the road that I need or have to go down. My ex and I are not jumping back into things, so to speak. We are taking it one day at a time and going to go to couseling. The counseling thing is individual as well as coupled.
I know that it is going to take a ton of work, but I'm willing to do it, and so is he. I just can't picture my life without him....and then there are times where I can.
I do love him...and I believe that he loves me. We both did and said things that were wrong, etc...things we can't take back but wish we could. I'm just wanting a chance with him to start all over and be the people and couple we were supposed to be. I just think that if he's willing, and he is, then we should give it another shot.
I know that everyone is speaking out of concern and I really appreciate that. This is really the only place that I can come and express my concerns without feeling like everyone is judging me.
I'm just going to take it one day at a time at a very slow pace and see what changes follow. Maybe I am setting myself up for heartache, who knows, but that's just something I'm going to have to figure out for myself I guess.
I don't know....
Kait,
I've done the whole shebang... the fighting, making up, deciding on counseling... "etc."
Always be ready for the "etc" part. Five years later I see everything clearly and I may be able to help you as you wind your way through the process of figuring out if you and your husband should be together. Sometimes it's not a matter of "want"... it becomes a matter of "can we and should we?"
Life and love is a complex journey that is designed to make us learn - we don't always get what we want, but we always get what we need if we have our wits about us. Sometimes other people see what we need before we do. Sometimes they see a picture before it is completely painted. We can't - not when we're embroiled in it.
Counseling on our own and for marital problems is but a drop in a large ocean of human interaction. Rather than feeling that you may be setting yourself up for heartache, think of it as setting yourself up for wisdom. Sometimes attaining wisdom is allowing people to judge us or a situation that we can't see because we're in it.
Be careful with your counseling, do not put an inordinate amount of emphasis on it. Every day is an opportunity for changes and steps forward.
Be really strong and don't let yourself down - because, in the future you will see that all of your emotions are different you will be able to see things that you can't see now. Give yourself the chance and don't put the pressure on yourself that "this must work".
If you'd like to chitchat, you may email me at alvaboardsurfergirl@yahoo.com
Elyse
Kait-
If you feel this is the right thing for you, then just explain to your family how you feel, that you're not forgetting the past but feel you must do this, and that you hope they can support you even though they don't agree with your choice. I hope they can, because I'm sure you need as much support as you can get. It is possible that some people will not be able to do so, and you could have to accept the loss of certain people in your life either because they can't watch you get hurt again or they are angry with you for your choice. But we have to make the best choices for ourselves, not what other people think we should do.
Here's a link that may help you determine whether your reconciliation is working and your husband is changing:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24523.1
Wishing you the best.
-sang
Kait-
Be very very careful. I was married to an abusive man, but still loved him with all my heart. We got back together and remarried against my family's wishes. He almost died in a car accident and I realized I was still madly in love with him. Our second marriage lasted almost 16 years, he wasn't physically abusive, but the verbal stuff really did a number on me. Two months ago, he came home and told me he just didn't love me anymore and that was it. So you see, sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm left with bills I can't pay and my self esteem is just non-existant. I'm working hard to be the person I was before I gave him 22 years of my life. Once an abuser, always an abuser.....he'll just find another way to torture you and when its no fun anymore, he'll leave.
Like I said, be very, very careful.....I wish you all the best
ps My family was right!!!!