Using children as pawns

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Using children as pawns
4
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:44pm

Hello all,
I am new here,and at my witts end with stbx.We've been separated for 3 months,and I've no intentions of ever going back and have told him this.He's going through what I've been told are normal emotional stages of divorce.Nice one day,derranged lunatic the next.My biggest problem with the whole situation is that he uses our children to try to make me feel badly.Stbx was abusive,not physically but emotionally.He was very jealous and posessive,I was never allowed to go anywhere or have any time to myself.Since we have been separated I try to go out with friends and do things for myself.I'm a stay-at-home mom,and have rarely left my children with a sitter,even family.Stbx has a huge problem with my new found freedom,and tells the children that "mommy is out with other men", "mommy should be home but shes not,she doesnt care about you" etc.. He also will not take the children over night,hoping that will "keep me at home". If I hire a sitter he threatens to take the children away from me for being a "bad mom".He'll pick them up and take them somewhere fun for a few hours so of course he looks like superdad,but says he's not "babysitting" for ME,he works and pays child support and that's all he's obligated to do.

My 9 year old son is so disrespectful to me now,he believes everything his father tells him.My home is chaos on a daily basis,we're all so stressed out over everything that is happening.I've made an appt. for my children and myself to see a family councelor.I can only pray that it will get better soon.I don't see how it could get much worse.Anyone here dealt with a childish stbx? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 2:11am
Well, first of all let me say congrats on leaving that relationship in hopes of finding a better life. That takes lots of courage. It also take a lot of courage to handle your ex, especially when he is using the children to get back at you. It is so hard to be a single mom, I know, I am knee deep now as well. All I can say is counseling is definately the way to go. It may be impossible to co parent with someone like this, but counseling will help you figure things out. Your kids need this as well, especially your nine year old, it sounds like, so get him in asap! If you haven't already done so, find yourself a good attorney and start documenting your ex's behavior right away. Every phone call, every abusive comment, every attempt on his part at parental alienation. Bring those things to your attorney's attention. This will only help you in the long run.. Good luck; God bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 1:18pm
That is not merely childish behavior. It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). You should get some books at the library and read up on it, and what people have done successfully and unsuccessfully in response to it. I don't have much advice on my own, since I've not personally experienced it. What I will suggest is arming yourself with what you can do to protect yourself and the children from it, through counseling and legally using your attorney. He can be ordered to not make any negative comments about you or face supervised only visitation. He can be made to take parenting classes and learn that what he's doing is harmful to the children more than it is to you (whether he would learn the right lesson from this would remain to be seen). You can request a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) be represented to determine if the children are harmed by his comments, and the GAL can support a request for supervised only visitation. Ultimately the goal is to get him to understand that he's harming his children by doing this and if he doesn't stop, he will lose many rights he has now (whether he learns this through you, a GAL, or a judge doesn't really matter).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:10pm

Serenity, my STBX is the same way! He is a control freak and extremely jelous person. I also mentioned him that I want a divorce 3 or 4 months ago, and he's been extremely emotional. The only difference is that he was never able to be the provider. We have 3 kids together. Everytime I got pregnant, he told me to quit my job, which I didn't mind for a year or so. But everytime the baby is born, he accused me of being lazy and not having a job. So I get back to work. I repeated it 3 times! He has a bad credit as he has never been able to keep a same job over 12 months. It is always someone else's fault. Which may be true, but you don't quit your job everytime someone mistreat you, especially without next job lined up because you have a family! He tells me we are broke because of me! He complains that I should be making more money, but he tells me I cannot take a job which requires me to work overtime or travel with another man. List goes on and on.

To be fair with him, he did try his best to provide for us. When he was working, he handed me all of his pay directly deposited to our joint account, and handed me the paystab. He always asked me if he could take the money out, if he could go out with his friends, etc. I believe he was very truthful person and I believe he truely loved me. His mother abused him so badly, and I knew how much effort he made just to live another day as a child, and he supported himself to get a degree, and he has very impressive resume only he cannot keep a job so long.

Despite all the negative comment and hardship from him, I still wish him that one day he can find some peace and happiness in him. I really wish he would focus on making himself happy, but instead, he is concentrated on telling me how much he does not like me, and why he thinks I am such a low life. I never did committed adultry on him, but I did meet a guy online and met him for a lunch. I knew I should not be doing that until I divorce him, so I stopped it. At that time, I was taking care of 2 kids on my own. My husband was not sending us money at all but taking my money out of our joint account! I was living in a shelter with 2 kids even though I had a good job.

See, my husband and I both have problems. I really was determined that we are going to overcome all the problems. I really loved him and wanted to show him a better world filled with love and happiness. My father was physically abusive, and I always wanted to build my own family which is filled with love and peace. It seems like my family filled with love and peace will be without my husband. After 10 years of trying, I realize that only he can make himself happy. I realize that he can never trust me. I also realized I have neglected my own happiness. Sorry for such a loooong reply. I am going through some rough time as well, but I think we can get through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:43pm

Thanks so much for your response, it helps to know that stbx's behavior is "pattern" of an abuser.Sometimes they can make you feel that everything really is your fault. They're so good at it! I'm sorry for all that you've been through,it IS similar to my situation.And YES, we can get through this! I'm more determined than ever now.

Thanks again,
~Serenity