Learning to Live Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Learning to Live Again
6
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:56am
Had to edit this message away, due to the possibility of a certain lurker.


Edited 6/7/2005 11:24 pm ET ET by flutterbee007
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:17am
I have social anxiety disorder and I'd like to say congrats on going to your reunion. I couldn't bring myself to go to mine. After my first divorce was the hardest time I ever went through. I'd been at the point I couldn't even go to the grocery store by myself. Suddenly I had to find a job, car, apartment, etc all by myself. Being forced to do all these things by myself is the best thing that ever happened to me. The more I did for myself, the more confident I got and the more people I seemed to meet. The important thing was to not let myself get dependent on any of these new friends. Enjoy the time with your new friends but don't let them replace stbx with your need for security. The more you do for yourself the stronger you'll become. You can do this.
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:24am

What a touching, honest post. I do not have social anxiety, I actually have the opposite, I LOVE to be around people and meet new friends regularly. I feel so proud of you for going out and having a good time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 1:01am

This is a success story! I enjoyed reading your post. The more you get exposed to dealing with people and society, the less intimidating it will become. Go ahead and push yourself to be out there. My husband tried to control me too, but since he became more absent in our lives, I had to start doing things on my own. I don't have much friends as my husband always made such a big deal about me going out, I backed off.

I am about to start a divorce process now, and I am also wondering what he would do. But I have made up my mind this time that I deserve to be me and be happy about it. Hope to see you around here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 7:01am

I am so confused! If you are to gain independence, you CANT do it while sleeping next to your EX! The talk of other men makes me worry for you. You can't just jump out of one relationship like that one right into another man's life. You need to learn to make decisions on your own, and grow a sense of self before you get in a rlationship with anyone! Now, this is easy for me to say because I'm 37 and I'm so focused on kids and career that I can't IMAGINE attempting to find another guy. I definitely dont' ever want to remarry.

You were not put on this earth to be one half (or less) of another person. You were put here to be a whole self!!!! Can i suggest that you cultivate the relationships with friends you enjoy being with, and hold off on men for a while. If someone has to be your rebound boyfriend, make sure you are upfront with yourself and him about that.

Believe me, I understand the shopping spreeish nature of all you want to experience!!! I'm already redecorating my house in my head with all of his crap gone!

Susie




Edited 6/6/2005 2:36 pm ET ET by elin
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 12:29pm

HI!
Wow - you are an inspiration to me. I am separated, soon to be divorced. My STBX was very controlling - he would isolate me completely.
He would encourage me to have friends, but not want me to go anywhere with them. If I did go somewhere with them, he would then use that as an excuse not to spend time with me at a later date - "Well, you went out on Saturday when I was home alone..." or he would then tell me he was spending time with his friends, and I would find out that that friend would be a young single woman he would take to dinner or a movie or a nightclub - alone. Really just inappropriate behavior. Any mutual friends we had he poisoned by telling them horrible lies about me. So when I threw him out, finally, I was totally alone. I have no idea how to make new friends, but I'm trying!
I've now got two girlfriends through work, and though I still have to force myself to reach out and telephone them, I am determined. I have one more from a long time ago, but I am not certain she is good for me - she tends to be very critical, but I am not going to cut her off yet, I want to make sure it isn't all in my head.

Good luck to you - and I envy you the shopping spree!
L

PS> I understand how much the "it can be just about sex" thing hurts. Been there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:47pm

Wow!.... Talk about learning about yourself.... I think that you did just that!.... and had lots of fun (although a bit anxious about it) doing it.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~