Why do I do this to myself?
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| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:11pm |
I just responded to someone else's post about how to you begin to accept your circumstances and I said it took me not wanting to waste energy on thinking about stbx and OW. Well, here I am wasting my evening thinking about them.
Or dd had her tonsils out on Thursday. Both of us went with her to the hospital and stayed all day. She had to stay overnight so I stayed with her. For the most part, it wasn't too terrible for us to be together for that amount of time, but I have been very emotional ever since then. I keep thinking how we all looked so normal. We must have looked like a complete family to everyone but ourselves.
Stbx came to my house several times on Friday and Saturday to help give our dd medicine. (She hates it and makes it really difficult to get it down her.) I was very appreciative and bought dinner on Friday because we were all exhausted. I guess it got too comfortable and I started to forget that we weren't really a family.
Today was stbx's day to get dd for a one week stay. I had to go over and help give the meds at his house and there was a new clock on the wall. It has sunflowers on it. The OW loves sunflowers. I was furious. I know I have no right to be, but it made me realize that beginning to move forward and true acceptance are two different things and I am not at true acceptance yet. I asked him who gave him the clock and he said he couldn't remember. I said that's okay, I know who it is from. Then I had to throw in do you even know what my favorite flower is? So much for moving on.
I feel so stupid and like a real bi@#$ for even bringing it up. It was like I wanted the arguing back. I don't want him but I want to hold onto something. How stupid. Well, I guess I will go drown my sorrows in a bunch of frozen pizza and soda. I hate this.

((((HUGS)))) It's not stupid to feel what you feel, it's normal. 'Stopping' those feelings is not something you do one day, it's a process and there is always a chance for setbacks. You had a slight setback, but it's likely to be one that made you stronger, and made your ability to accept what is happening a little easier (not easier tonight, easier down the road).