Divorce to get In-law's attention

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Divorce to get In-law's attention
3
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:34am

I'm so angry and frustrated right now I just need to vent so please bare with me. I do want to say that I love my husband so much and I can't imagine leaving him but the thought of it has crossed my mind a few times lately. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to change MYSELF rather than trying to change everyone else.

My husband, Josh, has brain cancer (grade 4) and has been fighting it since July '03. We got married April '03. A few months of marriage where I felt he has taken care of me. It has now turned into me taking care of him. Which has gotten me frustrated at times but I end up hating myself since i know I should do this since he's my husband and I love him. People who has Josh's type of cancer have a life span of 6-12 months. He has definatley beaten the odds but we're still very unsure how how things are in the future.

I'm 26 and he's 29.

My problem is his parents. They come and visit since they live out of state and retired. His parents come and visit for a month or so then leave for a month and come back. Yes. I know that's a lot o visits. My parents are in town but they work full time and do whatever they can.

Josh and I were at his friend's house. We were just talking and the
subject of Josh's parents came up. Josh's friend knows his parents. So
they ask when his parents are coming back. Josh replied "August 1st"
I just about to flip out. Josh's mom had written on our calendar June
21st. I told Josh this and he said his parents had called and said
they changed it to August 1st. I was and still am steaming mad. This would be two months and a half with them away. Why
didn't they say anything to me? They know Josh has a memory problem
and sometimes he doesn't tell me everything and he forgets. Keep in
mind they had gone back to Ohio three weeks ago.

I'm very upset that they didn't tell me directly.
I'm very upset that they (in my mind) are enjoying their retirement
and doing whatever they can to "escape" their son's illness. Yes.
Perhaps they think about Josh and worry about him every day but that
is no where compared to dealing with Josh and taking care of him the
way I do on a daily basis, IN PERSON. I know everyone has the right to their own enjoyment and his parents are entitled to enjoy their own retirement.

Am I doing too much for Josh? Should I cut back on caring for him so much?

I'm trying to think what BENEFIT his parent have for me when they are
here in person.
1. They fill in when one of his day care person can't show up (rarely
happens). I can always take a personal day.
2. Cook dinner for us - maybe 3 times a week but the rest go out.
3. And once in a while take Josh to the doctor. Which I can totally
control by scheduling during my after hours at work or take a personal
day. When they do take him to the doctor, I'm 99.9% there most
appointments anyway.
4. Giving us $700 a month which I am now seeing as their way of PAYING
me to take care of their son when they don't have to.

I am a spoiled brat by thinking the above things aren't much. But I do put in a full 8 hours a day at a job I so much dislike and then come home to care of Josh. I'm so burned out.

I have so much anger and resentment. They want me to pick them up at
the airport (on June 21st at 7pm or whenever the hell they are coming)
but now I am so disgusted with them, I don't want to do anything for
them. They left two live plants with me to watch and it took me a lot
of strength yesterday to not throw them out the door or decide for
them to dry out and die. I can't just say… "um.. I don't know what
happened to the plants" when all of my other plants are doing well. I
even considered killing all of my plants so I don't have an excuse.
Gee, you know, I'm so busying taking care of Josh I don't have time
for the plants. Yes, why not get rid of our cat too.

I kind of started to tell Josh how I felt yesterday but he got
defensive. So I end up apologizing to him and telling him I will try
to be a better daughter-in-law. This has been the case when I try to
confront him.

What happens if I start to say "Gee honey, I'm not feeling to well,
can your parents take a taxi?." What would he do? How would his
parents react?

On one hand, I want to shut his parents off and do EVERYTHING by
myself. Which I have done and his parents ended up staying at their condo and "exercsing, swimming, drawing, painting, playing the guitar, tai chi, etc." This gave them the idea of getting off the hook
more. On the other hand, I want them to do more but can't think of
anything for them to do. Sure, they can take him to the doctors but I
want to be there to find out everything that happens. What more can
they do without making me feel bad for asking. "Can you do this for
Josh" (which I use when I need them to do something), rather than
using the phrase "I need you to do XXXX."

But the thought of me and Josh being full grown adults makes things
more difficult. Who else on this planet not asking help from their
parents? Am I just being a spoiled brat and asking too much from them?

When his parents are in town, they want to have Saturday Brunch,
Sunday dinner out, etc. Would it be bad if I say. "If you don't mind,
I'm going to have dinner alone. Why don't you take Josh out". "Or,
I'm going to have dinner with my parents, why don't you take Josh
out."

The thought of leaving Josh has passed my mind.
what would his parents do? Can you imagine me leaving them an email "I
am leaving your son. Please make any necessary arrangements." The
thought of them panicking and freaking out brings joy to me. Isn't
that sick? I'm basically throwing everything I've been carrying on my
shoulders to them. Josh can have the house. He can have all of our
savings. I'll be happy to walk away empty handed. My only fear is
that they won't take responsibility on Josh and leave him in a nursing
home or hospice.

Will I ever do this? No. I love Josh too much. My vows says, in
sickness and in health. I just need to find a way to gain more
"balls" when I'm around his parents. Putting my foot down. Finding
time for myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:53am

WOW.


First off welcome to the boards.


Secondly, hugs to you. I think you need it.


I will share a bit with you on this one.


My mother and father were together for 27 years when he left her. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 4-5 years before. He left her because he couldn't take exactly what you are going through.


Since then my mother has gone from bad to worse, mentally. She has a drinking problem, is lonely, doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't talk to her family, and recently has alienated me as well. She has had much worse mental problems that I won't go into , but there has been many times that I have gotten her out of the hospital because she

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:35am

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are so overwhelmed right now. I agree with Angelena that you need to take some time for yourself. Your husband's illness is of course going to have a huge impact on your life, but it sounds like the situation has evolved into your husband's illness being your whole life and you never get a break to take a little time for yourself. I think anyone would become overwhelmed under those circumstances.

I agree that therapy would be hugely helpful to you, as would getting a few hours a week to yourself to visit friends or just go for a walk and get a little break. No one can live for long under the kind of pressure you've put yourself under - trying to do it all under difficult circumstances. Don't make any decisions until you've given yourself an opportunity to clear your head and look at the situation under less frustration. I think the thoughts of divorce you've been having are natural in your situation, but it doesn't mean that is the path you really want to follow in your heart. It may be just that you're so near your emotional breaking point and you don't know what to do so divorce seems like a way to end what you're going through. But divorce can be a whole other type of emotional roller coaster, so it's not a path you want to choose unless you know in your heart it's the right one.

Letting others know how difficult you're finding it right now won't make you a bad person or a bad wife. Asking his parents to be more help to you when they are here will give you more of a break, and if you're in better emotional shape you'll be a better wife. Absolutely tell them that you'd like to go for dinner with your parents or a friend while they take your husband out. If his parents can take him to a doctor's appointment or fill in when the day person can't come, why not take that time to do something for yourself - go shopping, for a walk, do something frivolous. You may think that you need to be there every free minute you have, but by taking some time for yourself, the times that you are there will be much better.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:49pm

Wow I can so relate! My husband had cancer last year...nothing terminal, but he was very sick for about 9 months and needed a LOT of attention. My situation is a little different in that I was ready to split from him right when he got his diagnosis, so all I could think was "poor me, now I have to stay with him through this!" It was like a tomb closing over my head and I sense that same sort of trapped feeling in your post.

The other difference is that I have known my inlaws for 15 years and to an extent we have developed a relationship that can stand on it's own. I actually enjoy them more when he is not around. They spent a LOT of time living at my house and we managed quite well. I took care of the kids and they did a lot of his appointments and sat with him during chemo. My MIL offered to do the laundry, but I like that done my way so I ended up letting her shop and cook. Long story short: I had to put it all aside and let it be about them, not me.

So since you have been cheated out of this time to grow as a family, I would say to put on your hip waders and walk right in. For example, forget about the change in plan and lack of communication let those feelings roll off. Very few of us have a good script to follow when crap happens to us. My inlaws script was to mourn, cry, help dh make a will. My script was to roll up my sleeves and get him well with the sheer force of my will. Needless to say we were not always on the same page!

Call them prior to their visit and THANK THEM in advance for coming to help out. Lay out the schedule as you know it relating to his care and your work and spell out to them how they can help. Like working with kids, give them genuine choices about what to do or not do to help.

It may be they are at their condo grumbling about how you won't 'let' them help. Fake it til you make it! Act like them coming to help is the greatest thing they can do no matter how you feel. Have you found a support group for cancer caregivers? There might be one that can help you all. Contactyour local American Cancer Society.

God bless you, and I will send up a prayer for your husband and for you!

Susie