Why did he want out?
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:52pm |
I need to know if anyone else believes this. We were together for 2 years. Just recently we were married (April 2, 2005). I have a 10 year old son. My soon to be EX is 36 and I'm 26. We got along great, shared so many of the same interests, he wanted to grow old with me and always talked of "retiring together". We were SO great together but weren't without the common relationship issues. No argument was ever serious enough to where we couldn't work it out.
Here's a little tidbit of info that I personally think played a role in this divorce. He had really long hair ever since he was little. He got it chopped off after we got married and looked really great. Everyone said he looked SO much better. He was in a new "construction" position and had developed a really nice tan and some muscle. I think you all know where this going.
Anyway, we had decided to mutually split up. It was one of those, "well if we can't work this out, we don't need to be together issues". The next day however, I had talked with several people and came to the realize I wasn't ready to end my marriage so I was going to reconcile with him over dinner that night. I left my son at my mom's and we went to dinner. He said he had some things to tell me also. I let him go first. He proceeds to tell me that he got a lot accomplished that day. He got approved for an apartment, borrowed the money from his mother for the deposit, put the 30 day notice in where we were staying, and signed a ONE YEAR LEASE! He said he didn't want a divorce, and that he wanted us to "date". I tried to explain to him that you can't work problems out if you aren't together and that you don't "date" your wife. He said he wanted to "build a new foundation". I explained to him that you have to repair the foundation that's broken. Just because something is broke, you don't go buy a new one. He made other comments like, "I need to feel like things are mine again" "I need to move back into the city" (we lived in the country).
Well, I decided obviously he didn't love me as much as he thought. I said "If you feel the need to run away, then I'll have to let you run". So a few days later, I went to the house and was gathering some of my things and I remained calm so that I could get some kind of information out of him for the sake of having my own "closure". While talking, it comes out that after 2 years of this relationship and 3 months of marriage, he realized he can't handle sharing his life with a child. My son is 10 years old, he's not a toddler or a child that would make you crazy. My EX was great with him. Helped him with homework, wrestled around with him. There was no indication that this wasn't something he couldn't handle. So that brings me to the confusion. I had a (mutual) friend email him. She's a lesbian so I know there's nothing ever going to happen between the 2 of them. We're just all really good friends. Here's his response when she asked how he was doing:
"Well to be honest it kinda sucks. She was one of my best friends i ever had,
despite what she may think. I wish things would have been different. I still
love her very much. She will make someone else very happy. Thank you for
being concerned. It means alot to me. Been awhile , it seems , since i have
had anyone "concerned" about me ( other then my mom and sister hehe ) .
Maybe one of these days we can do lunch or something. Well talk to you later and
lets not be strangers :)"
Please help me. The divorce papers are already signed, I just haven't turned them in yet. If he loved me so much and had the chance for us to work things out, why did he still choose to leave? And also, does anyone else believe his reason about not being ready to share his life with a child?
p.s. Sorry it's so long and drawn out :)

Hi there and welcome :)
First off I think that the time apart would be good for the both of you. Yes, you love him, but do you love a person who won't give you a child? I mean would you really want to sacrafice your dreams just to be with him?
Honestly, if he loved you he would try. Sounds to me like he isn't trying, he is giving up. That isn't someone I would want to be married to, and that's why I am divorced. I decided that missing him was not what I was missing, I was missing being married.... the person I fell in love with, was gone. The only difference between you and I is that we were together 6 years and married 6 months before he left, I was pregnant and we had one son together.
I think it's time to think about you. You have to do what is right for you..... no one says you have to get a divorce and yes it will be hard for awhile. Separate for awhile and see if things work out.
Hugs to you sweetie, I know this is hard.
Angelena
Just last Sunday at church, the service began with a wedding... a couple that had been married to each other previously, divorced... and now remarried after working through their issues.
I'm with you about the running part... I don't understand that, BUT I have learned that is just how some people cope and work through things.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Yeah, I haven't called him or tried to contact him in anyway. Lord knows it's killing me not to though. I know I have to stay strong since this was basically his decision and I feel like I've done and said everything I know to try and make things work. I feel like once the "newness" of that apartment wears off and he has nothing "new" to think about, he'll be thinking about what we had and what he threw away and then maybe he might call. It's just really hard when there's no concrete reason for why this happened.
I don't if it would have been any easier if it HAD been another woman or a more solid reason for wanting out, but not knowing the truth is kind of hard too. It keeps my mind racing constantly, grasping for anything that makes sense. Of course, I told my son, that things just didn't work out, so that's simple for him to understand because he surely doesn't need to know any details and he has his cousins to relate with because their parents are getting divorced as well. So he has a lot emotional support between me and my family.
Thank you all for you support as well :)