How do I survive??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
How do I survive??
10
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:36pm

Hi there
I am new here and hope to find some support! My wife and I have been married 6 years. About 3 years ago two incidents happened, one where she we had a bad miscommunication and another with a disagreement over discipline. In her words those killed any feelings she had for me and has been felt full of resentment, dislike, no trust towards me since then. She basically says she can not get past those things that happened. Where we are now is she wants out. The only thing keeping her with me at the moment is her fear of how it will affect our 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter. Not a good reason to stay together at all. In all talks we have had she has never even considered a possibility of being able to get past her hurts. Obviosly there is a lot to the story and this is just a short summary.

I still deeply love her. But I also understand if I love her and want her to be happy, i have to accept that for her to be happy may mean for her not to be with me. The thought of not being with my kids every day is tearing me up! They are my life!

How do I survive this, how do I even think about carrying on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 3:00pm

Welcome.


I guess not knowing the entire situation, make it tough to say. Certainly not knowing how your relationship has been the past three years (since these instances occurred) make it even more difficult.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 3:25pm

Okay. First issue was when we were pregnant with our second. My DW was having a very hard preganancy, especially since she was still home with our first, he was only 4 months old when we got preganant. I saw how hard she was having it and besides helping however I could, I tried not to burden her with my problems etc. She saw this as me pulling away and said so. I didnt realize that was what she was refering to and told her I wasnt pulling away. So due to this continued miscommunication, she felt I abandoned her when my intentions were just to help her. Yes I should have better communicated what and why I was doing what I was doing, I realize that now.
Then the discipline problem. When our daughter was about 9 months old our son kept pushing her etc and landing up hurting her. I know he never meant it maliciously but she landed up hurt most of the time. It was a long night of this when I responded to her crying to find he had literally slammed her face into the wood floor. I smacked him on top of the head. Yes the head was wrong and I shoudnt have done that. What my wife saw was me abusing him, she says she saw me hitting him across the face. I am not lying to you, I have no reason to. At that point she shut down to me and never opened up again. I am now seeing a physocologist and have been since the incident.

Obviously there are other little things here and there that have happened, but since then, in her words, she has had so much resentment towards me for what I did that she has no tolerance or patience for me, making it a difficult time for us all.

I was away on business last week and got an email from her saying when I got back she wanted to talk about how we should split up. When I got back she said nothing till I asked her about it a few days later. Her response was she can not get over what I did to her and my son, and she doesnt want to try to get past it. I told her I have never asked her to forget what happened, but to deal with it with me, together, she refuses. She says her choices are either to accept this is her life and live with it or leave.

So right now we live together while she makes up her mind. I have moved out of the bedroom to give her space etc. I love my family immensly! My job is just to bring in a paycheck, my focus has always been my wife and kids. I know for her to be happy she probably has to leave me, but that doesnt make it any easier to accept. Just the thought of not seeing my kids each and every night, not kissing them goodnight, not caring for them when they are sick, not hearing about their days is destroying me!

Please feel free to ask whatever you want and say whatever you feel. I just need to talk to someone since my best friend aka my wife, is no longer there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:04pm

Well, we are always here to listen!


Here's my two cents. Take it for what it's worth.


Have the two of you sought out any joint counseling? I commend you for talking to a pro about the incidents you described, but in all honesty, it sounds like she needs to talk to someone as well. I trust that you were telling the truth, and not being a mother myself, I do not fully understand the parent/child bond, but it just seems to me that she is overreacting. Not being a psychologist, it just sounds like she has a hard time letting go and moving past things. I'm not saying she shouldn't have said anything over her dissatisfaction with the two given situations, but perhaps she could have expressed her concern, made a pact with you that it wouldn't happen again, and given you a chance to show her it wouldn't. Then she could move on. Is it possible there are other issues she isn't telling you, or that she is using

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:24pm

Thanks for the responses.
I have tried to get her to talk to someone, either on her own or together, she refuses. We went once and that is exactly what she was told, you need to move on, move past it. That was when she stopped going. As to going again, she said she doesnt need anyone to tell her to get over it. She said she would deal with it herself and when she was ready go and talk to someone.

She has said to me here is your chance to prove to me it wont happen again. I have never hit either of the kids in any other way than a slap on the hand since then and not nearly as badly as she has. The problem he inability to get over the incidents, has clouded her view on everything I do, nothign I do is right!

I accept that there may be no way to reach her, that in her mind too much damage has been done. I can not force her to work on the marriage if she doesnt want to, which is what it looks like is the case. I know the marriage is probably over....

But to be honest I dont know how to cope with it, how to go 'home' everyday and be civil to her, to try and appear happy so she has less reason to complain and how to extinguish the small flame of hope flickering in the darkness that she may change her mind. I cant imagine a future with any happiness in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:34pm
Have you considered moving out? Give her some time to stew on her own. I'm sure she'll throw that back in your face too, and it's easy for me to say, being removed from the situation. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that sometimes we just have to accept the fact that the other person isn't going to put forth the same effort that we are, because their mind is made up. She sounds very stubborn, and if she's decided that she doesn't need to seek help and she wants to go through with this divorce, then I don't want to see you beating yourself up over something you have essentially no control over. My heart goes out to you, but as you said, if it's the only way she will be happy and there is no changing her mind, what can you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 5:04pm

While I totally understand the sentiment of suggesting he move out, it could be detrimental to him if they do end up getting divorced. It's considered homestead abandonment and it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 7:07pm
Lon, Have you thought about counseling for the two of you? I think if my ex had been willing we could have worked things out with some counseling. If this doesn't work you will survive. It is really tough in the beginging. I basically lived for my children. I was so devestated, still am some days. I love him more today than the day I married him. I don't know what I am going to do without him. I also go by the reasoning that I love him enough thatI want him to be happy and if that means without me then so be it. I truely hope he finds what he is looking for. I just wish it had been me. It will be hard on your children, but easier on them now than later. You have to make a point to be in their lives. It takes a lot of work, but is well worth it. You survive by taking it one day at a time. After 5 months I can tell you it does get better. I am still waiting for it to be great. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 10:03pm
On very good call. I apologize. I don't have children and didn't have all of that to consider when divorcing. I appreciate you piping in. I think in a lot of ways it's a bad idea for him to move out. Way to many ways for it to backfire!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lon13
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 11:40pm

Hey Aimee, No need to apologize! If I hadn't just been through it and been watching my BF go through it I wouldn't have even considered that it could look really bad in court and be hard on the kids. Believe me, my BF would love to just get out of the house that he's still sharing with stbx, but he has four kids that he just cannot leave behind. See ya around!


Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
In reply to: lon13
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 8:30am
Wow.
Sanguine