How long does it last??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
How long does it last??
5
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 12:06am

Hi all,
I have been separated since April 1st form my 11-year M ( our 11th anniversary is Aug 27th :( ) Anyway we are in the process of a D now. I am reealing from it all as I try to define a new role for myself in this life. We do not have any children. But I was a caretaker to him and we were both very dependent on one another...so even though I chose to leave the M I am still going through trauma, grief and loss. I sitll love him though I do not want to be his W.

My question is: how long does this grief/trauma stage last? When will I start to feel normal again? I feel like I am walking in the land of the dead among the living. I am so freaked out and traumatized. My role an dpurpose in life (his W) no longer exists and I am struggling to find a sense of wholeness and identitiy on my own., I am depressed and scared.

How long till I start to feel normal again?

xo
Loves

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 12:48am

Loves,

Not to be harsh, but you haven't been his wife for a long time - I have read your story on another board. Individual Counseling would probably be a good start. I understand you have ended your affair with the MM? If so, it's probably a good time to find out what YOU really want in life and be able to live alone and assess where you want to go from here.....

My H left me and my young son, I was reeling from the blow for a good year. Even now, over 2 years later, I still have my moments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 4:01pm
Hello and welcome!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:54am

whether you're the divorce initiator or not, and for whatever reason you are divorcing, you can still experience grief and sadness because the dreams you once had for a happy life together are over.

the "normal" amount of time you spend grieving varies from person to person. Over the first year or so, the bad days happen less and less. But there still may be things that trigger you even though you've felt good for a long time. that's where a journal or therapy helps - to point out that being sad is normal, even if you are recovering.

btw, i wanted to address the previous poster's comment and say there are plenty of memories and hopes and expectations that come with marriage, whether you've been married 2 years or 20 years. it's not fair to judge someone and say "you haven't been married that long." they don't know how YOU feel. truth is, no one knows exactly how YOU feel and that is why you need to go through the grieving process on your own time and at your own pace.

i HIGHLY recommend the book "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford. it describes a lot of the feelings you may be experiencing, and how to deal with them. it has gotten me through many lonely nights already and i'm sure it will in the future...i am almost a year separated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:08am

I've only been seperated 3wks and man it is soo hard. My h and I were married 5yrs together for almost 7yrs. We don't have children either, but I think that just makes it a little easier, it is still hard. Knowing that you were a wife for soo long and now all of a sudden your single, that's what I'm having a hard time with is adjusting to the new life style. I'm so used to a certain way and doing things a certain way, now I don't have anything that certain I need to do. It's totally different, and I think it sucks. Hopefully when I get my own place I'll be a little more satisfied, but living at home with my parents sucks. I have good days and bad, the good days come a little more, but a bad moment does stick it's nose in there often.
Try to stay busy, and don't stop to think, that's the only way I keep myself from breaking down. I hope that helped a little bit.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:51am

I assume I am the previous poster regarding this.

"btw, i wanted to address the previous poster's comment and say there are plenty of memories and hopes and expectations that come with marriage, whether you've been married 2 years or 20 years."

You are correct being in a marriage 2 years or 20 years makes no difference in how you feel - but you have to be IN the marriage not participating in relationships outside the marriage in my opinion.