Fed up, so I snapped
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| Sun, 08-21-2005 - 2:01pm |
Well, today I snapped. It's been building up all week. Between STBX's stunts with the ER and #1 DS, STBX and his/OUR lawyer, STBX's playing nasty, and #1 DS having an antagonistic attitude all summer long (AND reading my private notes that were in my bedroom), and #2 DS destroying his toys, dumping his toys all over my room, and the living areas, including the living room, dining room and kitchen, I snapped. Yesterday DSs and I went grocery shopping. I'd asked #1 DS to help me with the shopping all week (His finger is ok, so he can help push the carriage), and his attitude was, "Dad's right, you just want everyone else to do YOUR work." Which is untrue, I believe that the kids should help their parents with household chores-- he eats the food, and uses the soap and shampoo, so why shouldn't he help get the food and soap?
ANyway, we're at Stop & Shop, and #2 DS brought a pair of shoes that were too small, and he's in the parking lot, trying to squeeze his feet into the shoe. They'd been bickering at Burger King just before (they're 18 and 9), and I'd had it. I told #2 DS that he could walk around the store lopsided, because I'd had it with his BS. His father had given him some money to buy a couple of cars, so I told him, "If you take the cars out of their packages in the car, you need to pcik up the trash afterward, and not leave it in the car all over the place. Evidently he didn't do it last night, so when we got in the car this morning to go get the papers, I saw the car wrappers all over the back seat area, along with his BK drink, other wrappers, etc. He was crashing some boxes around, and I'd just HAD IT. I yelled at him, and said, "You are NOT GOING TO DESTROY ANOTHER OBJECT, whether you like it or not." We had a long discussion in the parking lot of the 7-11, and I said, "You know, I've been trying like crazy to be the nice person here, and I am getting @#$% on. I'm trying to be nice and not say mean things about people, and your dad has been acting very mean to me all week, AND to your brother. I know you love him, and I'm not saying dad is a bad guy, but he has a serious problem with alcohol that amkes him act mean... I've asked you NICELY to stop destroying the boxes/egg cartons/plants/furniture/etc. IT IS STOPPING. NOW." On the way home, he started in with the crashing a box into the window, and I stopped the car in the middle of the road. I said, "YOU WILL GET OUT AND WALK HOME UNLESS YOU STOP WITH THE BOX RIGHT NOW." He stopped, and when we got home, he was whining about how he was hot, and he couldn't pick up the trash. I told him he wasn't allowed in the house until it was picked up. End of story.
I hate that I yelled at him, but he's been on my last nerve ALL FRIGGING DAY. This morning, #2 DS DEMANDED breakfast. I said, "You ask nicely. I JUST asked you what you'd like for breakfast." He got 2 bagels and put them in the toaster oven, then saw that I was making myself an egg, and got 2 eggs out. I said, "That's an awful lot of food." He was also going to put cottage cheese on the bagels. He has NOT been speaking in a normal tone of voice, either, and every other sentence out of him has been a high-pitched, shrill scream, or demanding tone. He was totally crowding me, and I'd asked him nicely to give me some room. He was freaking out, and I got pissed, and slammed the egg on the counter. He FLUNG himself across the room, and started cowering. I know my kid, and he was putting on an act, like he'd done when he was asked to clean his room and he flung himself on the floor and made his hands shake.
I will be SO happy when school starts on the 31st. #2 DS has a counseling appointment tomorrow, and we're going to get to the bottom of this. His father wants to be the hero to the kids, and buys them things, gives them money, gives #1 DS car parts, and then when I ask them to help with stuff, I'm the bad, evil mom. Both kids have said, "Dad says you're blah blah blah", whether it's a bitch, demanding, mean, lazy, whatever. I wish he was out of our lives permanently.
Edited 8/21/2005 2:06 pm ET ET by susieyippin

Are you seeing a counselor too?
I'm seeing a counselor as well, and more often since things have started to go to court. #1 DS was seeing one, but he stopped when he turned 18. I cannot force him to go.
I will DEFINITELY talk to #2 DSs counselor about the comments STBX is making. In MA, it is mandatory for divorcing couples with kids to take parenting classes. I signed up for mine the day after court this past week. I'm trying to do the best I can, but STBX and his holier-than-thou, arrogant attitude is making it next to impossible. I WILL NOT make STBX to be a saint to the kids. I won't tear him down, to them, but I will not allow this behavior to continue-- from HIM, or THEM. It's just been especially bad the past week, because STBX was acting nice in the week before court, asking to reconcile, and claiming that he was going to go to counseling, and because of that I should want to take him back. Nope, no way, it is finished. He's just angry because he didn't get his way, so he's manipulating the kids.
First of all.... being 18 isn't a license to do... or not do... anything.... especially if he's still living in your home.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the advice. I was just emailing my aunt that STBX has had me so isolated, -- maybe more like me not listening to my GUT about things because I'm used to STBX always saying I'm wrong about things... You're right. If I sit down with the kids, and talk with them calmly, they'll be more helpful.
This weekend, I went through my check registers, and sorted through what checks were written for what, and the majority of my income went to household items, business items, clothing for the kids and I, bills, school items, health items not covered by insurance, and my own business expenses. I think if I showed #1 DS these figures, it might change his tune a bit. I'm so used to being on the defensive with STBX, it might help to show #1 DS the facts and figures. He listens to his jerk father, and his father says, "Mom just goes on the computer". Where I have my desk, you can't see what is on the screen from where STBX or #1 DS would see me when they see I'm on the computer. This week, I spent a HUGE amount of time on the computer, yes, but I was doing a rate change in our storage software, and it changed the wrong units, and I had to go in and change each one indvidually. Not all the units printed out notices, so I did them in Word, which took some time, with checking back and forth with the database and whatnot. I guess STBX and #1 DS think that the invoice fairy drops off the completed, correct, signed, highlighted invoices every month, folded and stamped with the previous month's receipts with each invoice, making sure each customer gets the correct receipt. This month I had to do that, PLUS put the correct rate change notices in with the right invoices, and everything needed to be signed. It took hours, and still needed to be corrected. And I do this without a paycheck.
Hi Susie....first I would like you to re-read your postings. I keep reading the same kind of reaction when your kids or your stbx says something negative about you....like helping out or computer time etc....you are on the defensive about your parenting and how you speak and how you spend your time. Instead of explaining to your children why they should help or why you were on the computer....you should DEMAND that they speak to you with respect. As soon as they begin that kind of complaining(or what "dad" said about you), then your first and only words are to stop that tone of voice and demand respectful words out of their mouths. Don't explain anything to them....trust your parenting...I fully agree that children need to help out and not receive compensation because when they grow up they will need to do chores and tasks that are undesirable. Now is the time to get them "used" to these frustrating moments when they don't feel like helping out.
Also, trust that what you do with your time is your business. DO NOT explain to the kids that you are working on the computer and making good use of your time. You need to put them in their place....they have no business(stbx has no right either) telling you how you should be productively spending your time. Your time is your time.
Showing your 18 yr old the bills and where money is spent is a very good idea! I just want those kids to only speak to you with kind words...as soon as a disrespectful word drops out of their mouths is when you jump on that opportunity to demand respect.
Oh, I tell ya!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
#2 DS and I went to his counselor's today. She suggested putting him back on the Adderall ASAP-- it may help with the behavioral problems, as the results from the post-surgery phych eval showed attention deficit was still an issue. Between that, and just sticking to the rules and sitting down with the kids and saying, "This is how we live our lives now."
Today I just found out that my health condition isn't as improved as I'd hoped it would be, so I have a lot of work to do on that. I'm sure the stress level will go down one the boys are back in school. Thanks goodness it starts for #2 DS in a week :-D