Telling the children, how to do it?

Avatar for melsdone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Telling the children, how to do it?
6
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 2:40pm

How to do it without blaming it all on STBX? I'll try to give a little background...I've been married for 12 years, STBX is an alcoholic and started physically abusing me around 6 years ago. We have 2 boys, 10 and 7. STBX was arrested and removed from the home April 8th and he has been under probation and a restraining order since then. We have not spoken since that night either. I have custody of the boys and the house, he's living in his grandparent's house which his father inherited last year. He has supervised visitation, every Wed overnight and every other weekend. I am going to file for divorce, but haven't really told the boys that this is where all this is going yet. Their father was (still?) feeding them "I really want to come home...Your mom can stop all this anytime...I love her so much...blah, blah, blah." I think they sort of figured out that because he is still not coming home, that things are going to be different, but nothing has been official yet so they still have hope that everything will go back to "normal".

How do I tell them that I want a divorce without blaming it all on him and his abuse and drinking? He's no longer drinking, getting all sort of counseling and I guess, trying to get his life back together, which is great, but I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. The boys are always saying how much daddy wants to come home, how he's promised not to yell or drink anymore...so they think that all the problems are over and so now he's free to come back! When I think about explaining the divorce to them, all I can come up with is all the things he did to me (and them!) and bringing that up as the reason for the divorce. Now everything I've read about explaining divorce to kids says that you shouldn't blame the other party. That isn't really my intention (even though I am the one seeking the divorce, he still wants to be together), but I feel like I need to explain the reasons why I can't be with their father anymore. Am I way off base to think that needs explaining? I suppose part of me doesn't want to be "the bad guy" who is breaking up the family so if I use the drinking and abuse as my reason, then I can't be the bad guy.

It is so hard to come up with the right words to tell them. What about the right setting? Do you recommend doing it at home alone, with their counselor in her office? I'm leaning toward being at home, even though their counselor offered to do it in her office.

As you can tell, I'm really having a hard time with this. I don't want to break my kids hearts.

Thanks for any suggestions, Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:18pm

I would do it at home.

Photobucket

Avatar for melsdone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:10am

Thank you for your post, you made it all so clear to me. I'm going to print it out so I can refer to it whenever I feel like I need to justify myself to my kids!

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:15am
I'm glad it was helpful.

Photobucket

Avatar for melsdone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:29am

LOL! I would never get reassurance from my kids that I'm doing the right thing, because they most definitely DO NOT think I'm doing the right thing! They want us back together as much as he does. So yes, it is easy for me to question that I'm doing the right thing, but I don't go to them to confirm it. It's very hard when I hear from them that "he's promised" not to drink, get mad... and how he's getting DV counseling, Alcohol counseling, and even Parenting classes. Part of me wants to think that maybe, if I just wait a little longer, he'll really get his act together and we can put our lives back together. I do KNOW though, that there are things that I will never be able to forgive him for or forget. There was a huge trust breached when he started thrashing me around that can never be put back together. I'm not sure it can be put back with any man now, but that's a long way off!

Again, thank you for your insight, I always enjoy reading your posts.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:36am
It's hard to imagine how hard it must be to leave an alcoholic, especially when they have convinced themselves they can stop and you know they very well might drink again and because it might be a long time before the children really understand the whole situation.

Photobucket

Avatar for melsdone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:41am

Well, it wasn't only the drinking. He was/is a really MEAN drunk, but he didn't have to be drunk to be mean. He took great joy in shoving me around, punching holes in the walls next to my head, ripping my clothes, cuffing me in the head, throwing things at me...on and on. Never mind all the nasty names he called me! So No, it's not hard to justify leaving him, hard to stay away when he's supposedly getting all this help, especially when I think about "what might have been". But realistically, he's just not a nice person and he has a lot of problems that he needs to figure out before he can really be whole enough to be a good husband.

Mel