Should I Keep Kids From STBX?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Should I Keep Kids From STBX?
3
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:38am

I'm really not sure how to deal with this situation. STBX has refused to spend time with our two sons ever since he received my child support petition three weeks ago. Even though he only lives two blocks away, he has only seen 6-year-old DS twice and 3-year-old DS once, for less than five mintutes each. He calls them every night, but has outright refused to spend any time with them until a visitation order is issued. I haven't even filed for divorce yet so that may take several months! At first I wasn't mad, but I'm starting to see how much this is affecting older DS. Over the past two years he has gotten accustomed to his scheduled visits with his dad. STBX has a small dog that he bought for the kids, and they always look forward to seeing him (the dog that is!) For the past few days older DS has been asking to call his dad a lot to see the dog. He knows the number and calls to ask when he can visit, but STBX always gives him some BS story and then tries to blast me for 'putting the kids up to calling'. On Friday, he told DS that he couldn't come over and that the dog couldn't visit either. DS started crying so I told STBX what an a#$ he was being and that it was really hurting the kids. I told him, as I have on numerous occassions, that I will not cover for him and make excuses to the kids as to why he won't see them.

Later that night STBX offers to take the kids to the park on Sunday if I would go along with them. I told him that I would not, but that he was free to take the kids. When DS called him on Saturday to confirm, STBX didn't answer the phone and DS was frantic. When he finally called back, he asked if I was going to the park, too. When I told him no, he refused to get the kids at all and DS was heartbroken and crying again. It was then that I realized that STBX is doing this to the kids to try to manipulate me. He figured that if I'm stuck with them every day then I won't have any free time to myself. So on Sunday I asked my aunt to babysit and I went to the beach for the day. When STBX called and offered to drop the dog off, I told him no because my aunt was allergic and shouldn't have to babysit two kids AND a dog. Once he realized that I didn't need him to have some freedom, he offered to keep only older DS tonight to explain to him why he won't be staying with him for a while. I'm really upset about this and I am considering not letting him go. I don't know what agenda STBX has or what he will tell my child, and it will be up to me to pick up the pieces. I don't want him to hurt DS's feelings because there is no was to sugar-coat this, and I also don't want younger DS to feel rejected by his dad. Last night he said that he wants to talk to both of them together. I am really confused and unsure how to handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 12:01pm

Well, it's always best to let them go... BUT what you should do is.... explain to the kids as best as you can that you and their dad are trying to work out some major adult stuff... and that things are a little tense right now, but assure them that you are working hard to be sure that they get time with their dad.... remind them that you always let them call and are agreeable to visits... they KNOW this and SEE this themselves and they don't need anyone to sway them otherwise... remind them to remember WHAT THEY KNOW is true about calling and visiting dad... and hope for the best.


One thing that I've learned is that unless there is abuse or neglect, denying reasonable visits is a huge no-no in the eyes of the court... so don't do that.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:29pm
DO NOT keep them from him. Not only will it look bad in court, but they'll only end up resenting you in the end. It's hard, but you can't protect them from him and the
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:48am
Thanks so much, Karen and Samantha, for the great advice. I know that it would not be right for me to keep the kids from their dad. I told him before that I would never stand in the way of him spending time with them, but I never thought that I would be in this situation either. After he had promised older DS to spend time with him yesterday, he changed his mind an hour before he was supposed to pick him up. DS was really disappointed and kept calling his dad from my cell phone to find out why he couldn't visit. His father is some piece of work because he showed no concern or compassion - kind of like he used to treat me when he was having his A. DS got really upset and said that his dad kept tricking him because he was always promising to see him and changing his mind. This is a 6-year-old child, but I see that he is already forming his opinions. I just told him to always tell his dad exactly how he is feeling, and that he did nothing wrong to explain why he couldn't visit. I think that this whole situation is really helping to soften my heart toward DS who tends to act out at home and school and is usually quite a handful. I see how STBX's selfish attitude is affecting him and how important it is for me to be understanding of his feelings. I won't keep the kids from their dad, but I will try to listen to them and comfort them as they go through this period. Thanks again.