What to do? Thoughts? Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
What to do? Thoughts? Advice?
8
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 12:26pm
I haven't dated since I separated from my ex almost 3 years ago. Divorce should be final any day now, so that's not an issue. Issue - I think I just somehow agreed to go on a date with a guy who works for my company Friday. That we work for the same company is a minor consideration, but he works outside the office, so not a major concern. I know he's older, divorced, has teen kids. He's fairly attractive, we've always gotten along well and have had some good chats and it seems like we have similar values. But I don't know if I think of him that way and I just looked and he's actually 20 years older than me. I totally didn't expect him to ask me out and I found myself saying 'ok' before my brain really caught up to what was going on. But I don't know whether I want to go, or whether I just said yes to avoid awkwardness. Part of me thinks that well worst case scenario we have dinner and chat and I get to know a casual acquaintance a little better. But I'm embarrassed to tell my best friend about it, which makes me think I shouldn't be doing something if I have an urge to hide it from people I tell everything. So any thoughts/opinions? Would you gracefully (aka cowardly) back out of it by saying you had something going on you forgot about? (Eeek - actually I just remembered I do have an eyebrow appt at 4:30 Friday, which I would have to cancel to go on the date, and I'd have to tell my best friend something since I'm supposed to be going with her). Or would you go? OK, I'm going to go hyperventilate now, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:25pm
OK, crisis averted. Once I gave my brain a few minutes to get back into thinking mode and my stomach a few minutes to stop churning, I realized I already knew what the answer was. He's a great guy and I enjoy chatting with him, but not someone I want to date. If I hadn't been caught off guard like that I would have immediately declined, but it's been so long since anyone's asked me out that I was out of practice. So I cancelled and didn't have to lie since I did already have an appointment with my friend. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings, but once I made the call I suddenly felt calm again, so I think I made the right choice. Hopefully it won't be another 3 years before I find another guy to ask me out. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:55pm
Im curious, What were you so ashamed of. Was it his age that you didnt want to tell your friends about it. Funny because a few months ago I was in that very similar situation. I actually went out on the date, it wasnt bad. He's been to my house a couple of times to watch a baseball game but I havent gone with him again. He's nice and all but I think the age gap is a bit too much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 2:44pm
I think his age is outside of my personal comfort zone - he is old enough to be my father and I'm only 10 or 11 years older than his oldest child. And I think also that I didn't feel an attraction to him, so I would have been going out with him just because he asked, and the last time I did that I ended up marrying the jerk (if only I'd stuck to my first impression of my ex and not gone on that date, lol). If he had been a little closer to my age (say 10 or 12 years older) or if I'd felt a real attraction to him despite the age difference, I think I would have felt a little excitement and would have wanted to give it a chance. But I wasn't excited, I was just freaked out, so I think that probably means it wasn't meant to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 4:11pm

No way! Not another 3 years.... good for you for making the decision YOU want to make, without feeling like you HAVE to go out with this guy.


Hugs,


Glad everything worked out :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:25pm
Good for you! Way to stand up for yourself and trust your instincts - your gut was telling you it didn't like the scenario and you listened! It doesn't matter if it was the age difference, or the color tie he was wearing, or that you think he walks funny. It was as simple as this - you didn't want to.
Good one! And no, it won't be three years. I think as your "final" date nears, you will be discovering more and more opportunites, as you begin to feel more free. Good luck,
L
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:44pm
Same thing happened to me at work, but in my case he was younger, course the age thing really didnt matter to me. I guess for me I just was not attracted to this person. I went out a couple of times and I tried to be, but it just wasnt there. I know we get lonely and sometimes need the company, but I felt bad for him and finally had to tell him that I wasnt ready to move on w/just being divorced and all. I guess its true, youll know when your ready to move on. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 7:26am

Remember... not all "dates" should be considered for long term serious commitment value.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 8:22am

Thanks for your input, everyone. =) I don't know whether I'm quite ready to date or not - I think part of me has been waiting for things to be totally final with my ex so I don't have to communicate with him anymore and I can just focus on my life and my future. I do think I'm nearly there, though.

I don't think this was a case of me being too selective about who I'd date - I'm pretty flexible about looks, income, being divorced, having children, etc., and I don't believe you have to feel an instant attraction for something to develop. I also don't expect that the next guy I date is going to turn out to be Mr. Right (although a girl can dream, lol).

I think this was more about my bad habit of agreeing to things I don't want to do to avoid conflict. I've been a lot better about saying no in the last few years, but when put in an unexpected situation my first instinct is to fall back on that bad habit and then regret not taking the time to think about it before I agree to it. Guess I need to work on that one some more.