Back to Square One.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Back to Square One.........
12
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 7:42pm
Just when I think that things are going fine and I am getting on with my life, it seems like I go straight back to square one....I miss him, I can not make myself stop loving him.....Today has been so terrible, I can not stop crying and I just keep on thinking what if he is right and everything is me......I just hurt so much and keep on thinking of all the things that I sacrificed, worked out, forgave and put up with during our marriage....I even took him back after the affair with my last pregnancy....and he is the one that just abandoned me.......I would have walked thru fire for him and he just threw our life away like it was nothing......replaced me before he even moved out......How do you do that?.........I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and have my life back to normal......but I can not ......It is all gone....my life is just gone.....The only thing that I have are my boys and when I am done raising them, he is just going to take them from me too.......I have no life, friends and he has everything........I gave up everything the last 8 years and now I feel so lost, afraid,lonely and heartbroken....I am at home crying my eyes out and where is he?..........oh, he took a long weekend to go to a nascar race with friends and I am sure the new gf.....he doesnt even care that he moved out.....he doesnt miss me.....he never loved me.......I was just something he was stuck with.........now I am stuck with him for the rest of my life........watching him moving on happily like life is just a big party............sorry to go on like this, I am just so miserable..........

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 7:50pm

(((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 11:56pm
Oh Hannah honey I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know exactly how you feel. I hate the roller coaster ride of emotions. Like you I gave up everything for my ex. He used me and threw me away like yesterday's newspaper. I know what you are going through is really tough, but you will survive and so will I. We have to, for our boys. They are the reason I get out of bed every morning and don't go shoot myself in the head. I still love my ex. I guess I always will. He gave me the most important thing in my life, my boys so I would never change the fact that I met him. I tried to be all that he wanted, to the point of losing me. Now we embark on a new adventure, to find out who we are and what we want. When you get down so low know you are not alone. I am in the hole beside you and look up, you can see the sunshine. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 10:17am

Like you I gave up everything for my ex. He used me and threw me away like yesterday's newspaper.


If I may, I'd like to talk about this for a moment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 12:00pm
Hi Jennie,
I hope no one read that and felt worse about themselves. I have been seperated
from STBX for quite a while. I remember saying he dumped me like a bag of trash. It was so cliche the mid life crisis, he fit the bill. But on the other hand he was away at time of the affair sending me lingerie, a ring, saying he loved me , sending me cute Mother's day card, Yeah I thought we were in love with a pretty good marriage. Despite any weaknesses I had or faults..It was his weakness, faults or issues that made him act on the affair. And never try to come home. He chose not to go to therapy or work on our marriage of 25 years. He owed that to himself, me and our children.
I cry and sit here today thinking , wishing things were different still. I feel rather stupid. I do know that he should be honest with me and is not. That is still painful even if we are getting a divorce. I do not take antidepressants any more or go to therapy. I remember my therapist saying it was mental cruelty some of the things my H did. Did I let that happen. Hmmn... I think I was crumbling befor I could stop it.
Yeah I think our life was pretty much about him and especially when I did not know it. He did not like getting caught .
rambling and tired...I guess I blew it! one way or another....lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 12:09pm

Well one thing is for sure, even if you do your part to make a relationship a healthy one, the other person can royally screw it up leaving you dumbfounded and devastated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 1:17pm

In a healthy, balanced relationship you would never give up everything for the other person.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 1:22pm
Don't ever apologize for feeling down. It's one of the hardest things you will ever face. Be honest with your feelings. Keep a journal and you may find that as time goes on, the happy entries will outnumber the sad ones. If you ever want to talk, or just vent, shoot me an email or look me up on AIM (aimeeannie)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 1:47pm
AMEN!!!!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 2:37pm
You ARE being helpful Jennie. When we stop and ask our self the right questions or someone else does it can be beneficial. The support you give to others is so appreciated. That is one reason I still come here(and BSSG) for support from people who are experiencing some of the same things.
We all need to have our own identity. Learning balance in life is always important.
You are right. When we give too much of ourselves or make the same mistakes it is likely to take us in that same direction again. I have read how people get into relationships and repeat it all again. The cycle continues.
My H father left him as a child and I thought he would never leave his children.
The OW in my situation said I was Co-Dependent. She pretty much thought she knew everything. She was assertive alright. A big change from me. She did a good job to help my H ruin his career. He got to do so many things with her he never got to with me. Live out the sex fantasies /threesomes/voyeurism. He had so much freedom in his life w/ wife and kids out of the picture.
I sound a little hostile with reason and I know his issues go deeper than just the OW or me.
She wrote me emails talking about how he watches her sleep at night and how they have so many things and a child. I do believe some fabrication there!( no child whatsoever) In the long run seems as though she was very insecure and needy. She fabricates what rank he is, looks toward him as an acomplishnent. Something that makes her more important. And a father figure.
Okay I am rambling again. My mind is much too ocuppied by thoughts about them right now.
I do wonder why they act the way they do if they have such a wonderful loving relationship. I thought H would have reached the day he could tell me how happy he was and want the same for me. But he can not do that. He lies to me, moves without giving address changes and lies to his children . As if something wrong is going on?? ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 2:52pm

Your ex's behavior is bizarre to say the least, and very sad.

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