The Final Nail in the Coffin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
The Final Nail in the Coffin
5
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:40pm
Lets face it....the coffin is so full of nails by now that no crowbar will ever get it open....ever........H and I agreed that he could take kids tonight since he was too busy working last night.....I was out running errands and he called to I guess talk about picking them up....I offered to drop them off at his shop since he was there working...oldest was at karate and I was out anyway....He insists no that he will pick them up at my house.......I literally hang up the phone and my 4 year old starts screaming there is daddys hummer....the town I live in is pretty small........I look over at CVS and there it is........he is at work........I know he has some girl driving his car around town.........so I admit I wanted to see her,of course she is not cute........what the hell is wrong with him.......I went ahead and ran my other errands and then thought what the heck I am just going to drop off my 4 year old there......and she is just pulling up when we pull in the parking lot.......He has had affairs and I have just become numb to it.......but we discussed not having men/women around the kids before he even moved out.......why would he do that?.....and the kicker is he picked her up today and brought her out to his work, He knew the kids would be around this chic.....Anyway, I went back to karate to watch the rest of 6 year olds class and he says I will pick him up after class...........I had to watch him put my kids in the car while this girl, ugly girl, was sitting in the passenger seat.........I just wanted to die right there.......It was the most pain I have ever felt in my life........how could he be like this.........what in the hell is wrong with him.....Any love I had for him is gone....we arent even divorced yet.......since then I have just been crying, to me, this is the most hurtful, cold thing he could have ever done to me......I hope he feels at least half of the pain that I feel someday when the tables are turned.....frankly, I am still going to be civil to him around the children, but it is going to be a struggle........a big struggle.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:55pm

I sooo understand what you mean! My STBX also has some skanky ho girlfriend. I've told him that if he has them around her, I will go for full custody and could get it based on his DUI's and arrest record. I don't know if I actually could based on that, but he thinks so, and that's all that really matters ;o)


The kids are already going through such a trying time with the divorce. To let them meet some new girlfriend who they may really like and develop a relationship is wrong b/c what happens when they break-up? It's one thing if it's a serious relationship. I'd have to be dating a guy at least six months before I'd let him have a relationship with my boys. They've already lost their dad, they don't need to lose a new friend too.


Don't worry. His day will come. Wait until he knows that you have a boyfriend, or that you are getting married and the kids will be around a new step-dad and will be doing things as a family with him. If he has a heart at all, it'll kill him. *hugs*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:29am

I might be hung for this... but here goes...


You can't keep your kids away from anyone your STBX's want to be with. It isn't legal. I tried, I know. In my case, OW has borderline personality disorder, I have written threats and I STILL couldn't do anything to keep her away from the kids.


I know it hurts, believe me I know.... but you can't do anything about it. It sucks...


Hugs to you both..... Hang in there, the Karma bus will come around....


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:08am
I would never ever do anything to keep my kids from seeing their dad even if he thinks he needs to date during....they only get to stay with him one weeknight every week and even then he only gets them after 6pm and then drops them off at home at 8 am the next morning...not much time.....other than that he just bombards with phone calls and half hour visits...I just am so heartbroken...I am still crying today.....to me this is the ultimate betrayal.....it is bad enough that he feels like he can just go do whatever with whoever, but it is like a knife thru the heart that he would want to do it in front of my kids....He has always shown blatant disregard for my feelings, but this is just way too much for me...Especially since I thought that we agreed not to bring people around the kids....but with everything else so far, he lied.....He lies to me about everything now...It must be so exhausting being him and trying to keep up with all of the lies...I am just not sure if I will be able to recover from this one....I have tried to be kind, but he will never be happy until I hate him....and I hate to admit it, but I do now....This really should not surprise me, he has never been able to do anything by himself.....He now just has another slave to do all of his work for him,that is all that he wants, some one to do everything for him and feed his ego, like it needs to be fed anymore.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:40am

Oh honey, do I know exactly how you feel. My ex has/had I dont even know anymore if they are still together a 21yr old new gf. She made me sick. She giggled all the time, if he came to the house to see the baby she would call 4,5,6 times, and when she did call she wanted him to "address her properly" when he answered the phone by saying hi, honey, or baby or whatever. It was like she had him jumping through hoops and it killed me b/c he never did that stuff for me.

There were so many times that he said, did things to please her that disrespected me or at least I felt that it did. Me being the mother of his first born and taking care of him for over five years I feel I earned a certain level of respect that should always be in order no matter what "new" person came into his life. HE didnt see it that way. Alot of times I found myself HEARTBROKEN, so upset, and hurt over what he wouldnt do for me out of respect. I did alot of reading and realized that I was giving him control over me, my feelings. I had to STOP that. I stopped having contact with him, b/c he is a USER and only thinks about himself and what he can get from someone. He made it that much easier when he disowned our son 2 mths ago and said he would make another one. What kind of a man does that. He already has twins with the other woman he cheated on me with, and he left her for the little tart he has now. She just doesnt know what she's in for with him.

I know your pain. Right now it seems unbearable. When I cried about these things, the great women on this board told me it would get easier and it didnt seem at all possible. Honey they were right. With time it does get easier. I still feel the pain a little at times but it is way more MANAGEABLE. When I cry sometimes what used to be hours and hours of crying is now down to a couple minutes if even that long. Hallelujah! I read a book, well its really like daily, spiritual devotions by Iyanla Vanzant, it was wonderful. I still use it today. I didnt know how to let go of him and all the dreams I had for us. It was killing me little by little and he was living his life. I finally got the courage, you will to. Hold on girl, just remember:

As long as you are holding on to what you HAD, what you DESIRE has no way of reaching you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:56am

I understand completely.


For me, I had to hate him before I began healing. I am at the point now where I really do hate my XH. It doesn't affect the kids at all because even though I can't stand him I am always nice and happy around him when he picks up the children.


Maybe this is your step to healing? Remember everything happens for a reason sweetie. I know it hurts..... this too shall pass :)