Protection from STBX
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| Fri, 09-02-2005 - 4:50pm |
My live-in BF recently (last month) separated from his wife of many years. She is, understandably, furious. BF (who could easily win a prize for 'nicest guy on the planet') has spent many hours answering all her questions, talking with her about what went wrong in the marriage, and generally trying to keep her from flying completely off the handle. He still cares about her, and knowing that he's really hurt her by leaving, he wants to do everything he can to help her get through it all. He's made it perfectly clear to her that he's not looking to screw her over -- he has no intention of draining their joint accounts, he doesn't want her to have to leave the house they own, etc.
In spite of his efforts and the efforts of her friends and family, she's still so angry that she's only sleeping about 2 hours a night and has lost 20 pounds. She apparently spends much of her time going through all his stuff, especially files and papers, looking for 'clues' about all the affairs she's convinced he's had over the years. She's called a bunch of people whose names and numbers she's found in his stuff and accused them of sleeping with her husband. Only problem is... he's never even met some of the people she's called. The point of all this being that she's obsessing over things and rapidly losing touch with reality.
The real problem, and the reason for the post, is that her anger looks to be turning to violence. Two days ago she threw things at BF. "Just some small stuff, soda can and whatnot" according to BF, who was remarkably blase about the whole thing. Yesterday she confronted him in the parking lot of the gym they both attend and actually slapped him. I got pretty upset when I heard this, but BF said "It's ok - she just hit my arm and not very hard."
Whuh??? If the situation were reversed and it was a women getting slapped "just a little" by her estranged husband, BF would be the first guy screaming about how the woman should get a restraining order, or do whatever else she needed to to protect herself. When I suggested to him that he call his lawyer and tell him about all this, BF sat there and told me all the things his wife could do to screw up his life worse than it is now if he were to anger her further.
I'm sorry, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that this behavior pattern is remarkably similar to what happense in many abusive relationships. According to BF, wife very much likes to be in control and gets really, really unhappy when she's not in control. So over the course of their marriage, he's become the one who tries to be nice and give her whatever she wants to keep her from getting mad at him.
The problem is that now her anger is turning violent and I'm really worried about what she might do to him. Although I really don't like her and think she's a complete bitch, even I have to admit that she's not herself. She's not rational and as a result I'm not sure she even knows what she's doing. Ordinarily I doubt very much that she'd hurt BF, but we're way past ordinary here.
I know I can't make BF do anything, but I'm trying really hard to get him to at least talk to his lawyer. I'm not sure what, if anything, can be done legally to keep her away from him, but I figure he needs to at least explore his options. I think he understands that this is a serious situation, but he seems reluctant to take any kind of action to protect himself.
Any thoughts on how I can get him to cover his a** a little better???

Of course she's angry. Her husband just left her for another woman. My husband's ex-wife ran out to his car when he was getting some of his things from their house and took everything out of his trunk (his things). They both proceeded to fight over a turkey. Unfortunately, the turkey slipped from its bag (because they were both tugging on it) and rolled down the driveway. When I think of this now, its kindof funny.... BUT at the time, she was only reacting the only way she knew how. She WAS losing control of the situation.
As time went on, Se got over it. But it does take time. I don't think that her behavior is any different than your own would be in a similar situation. She is just REACTING. She will get over it too. Besides, that's his deal. Don't get involved. YOu will only make it worse.
Her life as she knows it has been destroyed. How people react when their life has been forever changed varies. As far as the weight loss - we call that the D-Day (Discovery day) diet, where every time one tries to eat something, they vomit because life was not what it seemed.
She probably thought she was going to live her remaining days with her H and now she has been horribly affected.
Please have some empathy and let your BF take care of things himself.
Well, first of all, kudos to you for understanding that domestic violence can go both ways. And for someone who thinks stbx is a big itch, you seem to be balancing concern for her and concern for bf with the fact that it's out of your hands.
It sounds like she's on the fence between a strong reaction and dv. No doubt she's in terrible pain right now, humiliated and angry. Hitting and throwing things are not acceptable, they're abusive behaviours, but she may yet get hold of herself. Your bf needs to draw the line, but as the other party, he is the best judge of the danger level. If he's experiencing these assaults as non-threatening, that's a good sign. DV tends to scare us.
If you'd like to read a bit about supporting a person who may be abused, what abuse includes and looks like, hop over to Dealing With Domestic Abuse and check out the website.
It's a very difficult time. Best wishes to all of you.
I don't know how to post to "ALL." My thought is that yes, db needs to stay back from this situation out of respect for the dead or dying marriage. Yes, she is an OW. And yet, she is here for support related to a divorce. This is a support board. Given the number of posters here, it's likely a few have been an OW or OM at some time. Even more have had affairs before the divorce was final. We're none of us perfect, but we've all been hurt.
Really, I don't know how I would react in the stbx's place. My ex cheated and worse and I never hit him. Never threw things at him. I know reactions are individual, but a line has to be drawn somewhere. We don't know the circumstances or the man involved, but he does need to calmly say "Stop."
As for db, I'm picking up an undercurrent of fear. You need to take care of yourself, and the best way is to stay out of stbx's way. I think it's too much to ask either of you to respect the other in the near future. Let bf handle his interactions with her. Avoid even the appearance of a three-way divorce. You're in the picture, but it's so important to all of you that they work out their goodbye on their own. Can you trust him to handle it? Best of luck to each of you.
I am sure there are many former or current OW perusing this board also. However, with all due respect - DB has indicated a total disdain for the W (she has indicated that by using the B* word). When she says the marriage was many years - I am assuming 20 or so. A lot of years and memories for the W to throw in the scrap heap.
When my now-ex left me and my young child, I did not throw things either. However I wish my ex-H had asked for a divorce, instead of making a fool of me, as perhaps the W feels like now. It doesn't feel very good to know your H and OW are laughing as you dance around like some macabre puppet on a string.
It's too late now, the cat's out of the bag, so 3 lives have been disrupted, 2 knew what was going on and 1 got blindsided. I would suggest that DB make herself as inconspicuous as possible while her BF (Mr. Nice Guy), straightens things out.
I agree with ivbeenaroundthebl 100%